P.C.R. - Post Coital Remorse. It's a real, real, thing and most of us have suffered from it at least once after making a bad, bad decision! Again....I am speaking from a place I know!
You made the decision to share any info with XGF. I am not buying that she out of the blue made a sexual advance. Real life just doesn't work that way unless she has some kind of serious character flaw. It was an inappropriate offer at best.
Your answer should have been an emphatic "NO" and not some mamby pamby "Oh, if I did that it would be the end of my marriage" thing. Your answer, IMO, is sending her a message that you are interested and that if you could you would...
I think it might be best if you break off any contact with XGF.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
You made the decision to share any info with XGF. I am not buying that she out of the blue made a sexual advance. Real life just doesn't work that way unless she has some kind of serious character flaw. It was an inappropriate offer at best.
I'm not sure what to say to that... Everyone is free to believe what they want obviously...but I can't imagine what I would stand to gain by being dishonest about how it went down.
Originally Posted By: MrCAS
Your answer should have been an emphatic "NO" and not some mamby pamby "Oh, if I did that it would be the end of my marriage" thing. Your answer, IMO, is sending her a message that you are interested and that if you could you would...
I think it might be best if you break off any contact with XGF.
Well here at least is constructive criticism/advice that I don't necessarily disagree with. Feeling pretty bad in fact. My intent wasn't to leave the door open to the possibility of coming to visit, or send mixed messages or anything like that. Ex-gf contacted me having already heard some of my sitch from someone else, we caught up a bit and I filled her in a little more on what's been going on with W and I, and then she made her offer unsolicited (can't control whether anyone believes that or not), and then I said to her what I said. From the feedback I'm getting it obviously wasn't the best/most emphatic/appropriate choice of words on my part...but it perhaps reflected what the main issue was for me that I felt like I needed to examine here: the recognition that I had mixed emotions/feelings in response to her offer.
I'm only human. If this wasn't my most shining moment, DBing or otherwise, I don't think it was my worst either. I think it would be more disastrous to my sitch to not admit the mixed feelings I had... And I think Crimson's comment pretty accurately described what I was feeling.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I think the take-away here for me will be this: I'm finding out what it feels like to be in a relationship in which you give but don't necessarily receive. This must be what my W was feeling in our marriage. It would explain why she went looking for it elsewhere. That doesn't negate what she brought to the table... But it explains a lot. And now I know what it feels like.
For now, I'll just continue as I have been, focusing on me and the kids and GAL and 180s. It's been making life pleasant for all parties involved, and that alone is reason enough to hold steady on this course with appropriate corrections when necessary. While she still says her mind is made up, W has suggested she prefers to live here in the house together while she works on making the changes that she's acknowledged she needs to make. That gives us until the end of August (when the lease on the house is up) to see if our mutual efforts result in a change of heart on her part. If not, I will at least have made some much needed improvements to myself, and will have learned a ton about marriage. I hope those improvements don't end up having such a high cost... But to pay that price and not have anything good come of it at all would be a tragedy in and of itself.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Things have been continuing on per usual... what passes for "usual" these days.
A few days ago W went to Atlantic City for the night with 4 friends to celebrate one of the friend's birthdays. She texted me a few pics when they first arrived, and then she ended up texting me at about 3/3:30am to say she had just woken up and had come down with severe bronchitis (she has a history of this and has had to be hospitalized for it before). By the time she got home she was in pretty bad shape, so I've been playing Florence Nightingale since then (huge 180 for me...kind of ashamed to admit). W has remarked a couple of times how much she appreciates the care I'm giving and how much it means to her.
I did notice when W was showing me some pics of her trip that, in addition to wearing one of her sexiest outfits, she wasn't wearing her wedding ring. The outfit doesn't bother me a bit, but the lack of the ring does. Wish it didn't bother me, but it does. She often doesn't wear it at home, but has always made a point of putting it on when she goes out. Haven't seen it since she's been back either, which again doesn't surprise me since she's been home the whole time, but it hasn't reappeared on the stand where she usually keeps it even though she's unpacked her stuff.
Don't want to obsess about it...but it's definitely sort of a trigger for me. Thank god I kept my mouth shut about it when we were looking at the trip pics...but I'm worried if it doesn't reappear I'm not going to be able to keep from commenting/asking about it.
Last edited by stumps; 05/22/1405:27 PM.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
It's typical, man. Don't get too wrapped up in the ring....I think that happens to nearly all of us here. Don't worry until she comes home wearing one from someone else!
Until then, just know that the "shedding of the rings" is just part of the script. Doesn't make it feel any better.....but it is just part of it all.
It's typical, man. Don't get too wrapped up in the ring....I think that happens to nearly all of us here. Don't worry until she comes home wearing one from someone else!
Until then, just know that the "shedding of the rings" is just part of the script. Doesn't make it feel any better.....but it is just part of it all.
Yeah... I know. And I appreciate the reminder...
The back and forth just seems so weird to me...even though I know I shouldn't be focusing on it anyway. And I guess I should feel fortunate that it's "back and forth" instead of all "back". Sometimes it's hard not to puzzle over what the WAS does though... And in light of what seems like a lot of other positive movement (in particular our Wednesday date nights), the absence of the ring at this particular time seems weird to me.
Who knows...maybe she just wants to see if I'll notice and comment on it, since historically I always have remarked when she forgets to put it on (She often takes it off at night when at home because her fingers swell)... Maybe that should be the 180 here...continue to keep my mouth shut about it instead of giving in to the urge to ask her about it.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Just realized tomorrow will be two months since W dropped the bomb. Guess that's not long by DB standards...but it has got me thinking, how long could I keep this up? How long would I want to keep this up? Sometimes thing seem so promising... Sometimes there seems to be no movement at all.
And then there's this: as my changes become more effortless, more ingrained, I find myself wondering what I'm even doing here, with this woman who still professes to be done with me. What is she even still doing here?
I feel fortunate for having been given an opportunity to become a better man. I feel like I have risen to that challenge. But as I start to feel better about myself, I also have become more keenly aware of what was missing for me in my marriage. And what is missing for me right now. I'm not sure what to do with these feelings, or more to the point, I'm not sure how they fit in with DBing.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
stumps, Dealing with the exact same here. Stay strong and GAL. I have been on this road for 19 months and there are days I feel like giving up but I think if I do that it only justifies to W I didn't love her enough to stay. It would also release W from the guilt of the D. If they really want it - they should file. Time really is a gift - you will continue to become stronger but some days will really get you down. Try not to have any expectations from her right now and some of the things they say will make you wonder who's in there or if anybody's home. I see you have young ones too - spend your time with them and create the best life for them. Continue to be the man only a fool would leave. It either gets easier or we get stronger - probably both.
Don't leave the M home until you get legal advice, if thats the direction you decide. I'm close to that now. May need to let W see what it will really be like without me and maybe she will see that I'm not the sole source of her unhappiness.
Trying to stay hopeful with no expectations. Keep us posted.
Good luck brother!
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
