val, are you still dating? i remember that contact from X was a bit jarring for me after I started dating someone else... all sorts of stuff came up for me. could that be part of it??
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Val, I'm Not sure why this triggered so much for you either, b/c I thought you did want "some" type of r with her as long as you felt safe, and she did, too...
Sadly 25, You are mistaken. I did want a safe r with her. She just wanted to be able to reach out when and how she wanted without any expectation from me. She didn't want to work on rebuilding trust nor did she really want a friendship. In her eyes - I was kind of the equivalent to a member from a 12 step program. We can have the conversation, but not necessarily the connection.
My frustration was that I was clear about my boundary and she didn't respect it. But that's neither here or there... I felt what I needed to feel and moved on. I no longer get on the hamster wheel but I'm allowed to be upset about it. Her having contact with me in any way is a big deal for me... it's just what it is.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
val, are you still dating? i remember that contact from X was a bit jarring for me after I started dating someone else... all sorts of stuff came up for me. could that be part of it??
Yes I am still dating and although I'm aware that things are coming up for me... I'm not sure how the two are connected.
That part has been interesting. I should probably post more about it than I do, however I am just ready to live and not think so much.
Not sure if that's wise - but it sure is relaxing.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
well I've made some steps recently in the hopes of self-care and moving forward in this journey.
I have accepted that any contact with xw makes me uneasy and for over the past year - I have just been trying to be okay with whatever she does or however she does it.. and been failing. As much as I may think I'm ready to handle contact... I'm not.
I also realized that it was time for me to stop being mad at her for doing something that hurts me... because she has NO IDEA that it's hurtful to me.
So if at this time - I can't stop the hurtful feelings when she pokes the bear - I can at least for now - ask her to stop poking the bear.
That's what I did. I asked her to not contact me in any way and that If there was time when it would be less painful for me... I would let her know.
So that's that.....
On the dating front - the woman that I've been kinda seeing keeps pushing and pulling me emotionally. She tells me she's not ready, but then she's not strong enough to not be intimate with me... then freaks out because her being intimate with me is causing feelings that she's not ready for...... and we cycle through every couple of weeks.
She believes that she if we cut all romantic and physical stuff but remain emotionally intimate, she won't have these push and pull issues My feeling is that because our friendship deepining caused the romantic feelings... she will still push and pull when anything, even at a friendship level, causes romantic feelings she can't handle.
I keep wanting to pull away - she keeps insisting that we can work through it. She keeps thinking I'm trying to predict the future, I keep telling her that I'm going off of our present..and I'm acting based off that.
It's ugly guys. I feel a little lost and confused. Asking myself why I am accepting such behavior.. but feeling bad that I can't separate my heart and just be friends with the girl.
Am I being triggered? or are they red flags?
I feel I'm ready for a relationship.. just not one that looks like this.
*sigh*
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It sounds to me like you are being yanked around and it's a rollercoaster relationship you don't need. It seems very frustrating and unhealthy. If I were you I'd cut ties with her and say that it's for both of your benefit.
What I was telling her was that I like to be emotional vulnerable and intimate with others. I have surrounded myself with friends and family who I have created a safe environment in order to do this with. Because being this way is when I feel most like myself. It's when I'm most happy.
I can't be those things with her because her being vulnerable in a way that seems romantic triggers her to pull away. I don't expect perfection, but I do need to adjust to where she is at. I can't be loving to her if I am mad at her for not meeting my expectations.
But for me - that means I'm not close with those people. Sure I talk to them and we can still be friends. But I'm not down in the trenches with them of my daily life. I take a step back to where I can not feel "at risk" and still be supportive of her growth.
In short - I guard my heart.. and adjust the relationship. And this upsets her because she is all for adjusting the physical part of it, but in no way wants to adjust the emotional part of it.
In the end - what do I want.
I want to spend my life with people that I love and love me deeply. Who will be scared with me, Who will grow with me. People I choose to love EVEN when I don't want to. And people who choose to love me EVEN when it's hard.
Right now - she is not that person. She says she wants to be. But she's not moving in that direction... or only at the direction she is comfortable with.
And that's fine. I'm not saying that's not understandable... it's just not what I want in my life.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
My D20 and I were watching a movie that oddly punctuated a very emotional conversation we had earlier in the day about being in an intimate R with potential for becoming long term. The person was confused about who to choose, and the person giving the advice said:
"Choose the person who makes you want to be a better woman/man"
You're saying that she doesn't do things that make you feel good about yourself. So... why *would* you stick around?
So what are you going to do?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
That's a good question and one I don't have an exact answer for. I'm sure it's lots of things.
I just want space and time to clear my head. Not make any decisions...just live.
The issue with that - is that she sees that as a decision.
Good news is that I'm going home in a week to Pennsylvania. My parents live in the country with no internet of cellphone service. So for 10 days I can take the space that I need and the time that I want.. without the pressure and guilt that comes with her feeling like I am pulling away.
I've always believed that I should make a decision when the head and heart matches. I think I am getting there - but not quite yet.
Maybe I will journal some more on here... bear my soul a little bit.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
hi val, i think the trip is great timing.... gives you some space and time to think... post more now about the R so we can get more of a feel for how it is... with the push pull... do you think she is emotionally unavailable? is it temporary, related to something she is healing, or is it more of a longstanding pattern? ((((((((((((((val))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
We all can see that you're wrestling with some issues with this new woman post-D.
I am with Bets on being with the person who makes you want to be even a better person. Another thing to be aware is that the first date/GF/BF after D is always fraught with a bunch of triggers and trying to navigate through the dating minefield is challenging enough as it is.
It behooves us to be responsible for the red flags that come up in the new R. As I told NG in her thread that my first GF after Ms. Wonka brought up a host of issues, triggers, and she came into my life that allowed me to work through my chit. My XGF was not the calm in the storm...she was a storm all by her lonesome self! After two years of being emotionally unavailable and not being very supportive to me, I pulled the plug on the R. It did not lift me up...actually pulled me down more than up.
At that stage, I was feeling raw and vulnerable after Ms. Wonka left so I attracted this XGF to work through some weak points that I wasn't fully aware of myself. I am deeply appreciative of this experience for it awakened some aspects of me that I needed to work on and made me more aware of what I truly wanted in a long-term partnership.
Now? I wouldn't date this XGF or someone like her again. It is because I have gotten my strength and power back. For a long time, I ignored many red flags because I told myself that I "owed" myself to stick around and work things out with her. Ultimately, it was more stress and strive than it was really worth in the end.
Be really clear on what you want out of a R and you'll gain some clarity. Don't compromise yourself or settle for less.
