What I was telling her was that I like to be emotional vulnerable and intimate with others. I have surrounded myself with friends and family who I have created a safe environment in order to do this with. Because being this way is when I feel most like myself. It's when I'm most happy.
I can't be those things with her because her being vulnerable in a way that seems romantic triggers her to pull away. I don't expect perfection, but I do need to adjust to where she is at. I can't be loving to her if I am mad at her for not meeting my expectations.
But for me - that means I'm not close with those people. Sure I talk to them and we can still be friends. But I'm not down in the trenches with them of my daily life. I take a step back to where I can not feel "at risk" and still be supportive of her growth.
In short - I guard my heart.. and adjust the relationship. And this upsets her because she is all for adjusting the physical part of it, but in no way wants to adjust the emotional part of it.
In the end - what do I want.
I want to spend my life with people that I love and love me deeply. Who will be scared with me, Who will grow with me. People I choose to love EVEN when I don't want to. And people who choose to love me EVEN when it's hard.
Right now - she is not that person. She says she wants to be. But she's not moving in that direction... or only at the direction she is comfortable with.
And that's fine. I'm not saying that's not understandable... it's just not what I want in my life.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
