Help please

[Maybell]

He's signing a lease today. This was really hard for me.

Things to fear:
1. There is an OW in the wings and this is a first step out the door and I don't know it. Other kinds of lying. (Separate from the OW I know about that I choose to ignore)
2. We won't recover.

Things to be angry about:
1. The impact of this on the kids.
2. Why can't he find himself from home??
3. Why couldn't we have interacted more honestly throughout our relationship so we didn't get to this point?
4. How hard it is to put any trust in what he's saying now about trying to grow into a place of honesty in our dealings with one another.

Things to be happy about:
1. If real, the conversations between the two of us have been closer and more real than they had been in years.
2. Love and support from friends and family that I've never permitted myself to rely on.
3. Twenty pound weight loss!!
4. Television, books, and Candy Crush that can distract me from obsessing.
5. My own self, how social I've always been, the network I've built for myself, the resources I have that make GAL kind of a done thing.
6. My own self, that I am resourceful enough to make reasonable plans and understand how to bring them about.
7. That we are well enough off that I don't have to worry about the house at this time.
8. My beautiful, precious children. (God grant we pull together to help them weather the awful bomb we're about to drop on them)
9. The possibility of experiencing a first kiss again, the butterflies of dating someone who excites me, the idea of coming back to life after years of just being a SAHM whose fairytale was permanently in the "happily ever after stage." What a boring place that was. Now life can be fresh again, whether it's eventually with my husband or with someone else.
10. No matter what, he's in my life for forever. Mine or not, he's a great person (in spite of the pain of the last year-plus). I've grown because of him from when I was 23. I can choose to live in friendship with him or I can choose to live in enmity; whether or not we are married we can be peaceful with one another. That choice I get to make.

This year is going to happen no matter what. It's not going to be "my lost year." It's going to be "my found year." It's going to be intentional. I don't need to miss anything just because my husband doesn't want to live with me right now. I've got this.