well I've made some steps recently in the hopes of self-care and moving forward in this journey.
I have accepted that any contact with xw makes me uneasy and for over the past year - I have just been trying to be okay with whatever she does or however she does it.. and been failing. As much as I may think I'm ready to handle contact... I'm not.
I also realized that it was time for me to stop being mad at her for doing something that hurts me... because she has NO IDEA that it's hurtful to me.
So if at this time - I can't stop the hurtful feelings when she pokes the bear - I can at least for now - ask her to stop poking the bear.
That's what I did. I asked her to not contact me in any way and that If there was time when it would be less painful for me... I would let her know.
So that's that.....
On the dating front - the woman that I've been kinda seeing keeps pushing and pulling me emotionally. She tells me she's not ready, but then she's not strong enough to not be intimate with me... then freaks out because her being intimate with me is causing feelings that she's not ready for...... and we cycle through every couple of weeks.
She believes that she if we cut all romantic and physical stuff but remain emotionally intimate, she won't have these push and pull issues My feeling is that because our friendship deepining caused the romantic feelings... she will still push and pull when anything, even at a friendship level, causes romantic feelings she can't handle.
I keep wanting to pull away - she keeps insisting that we can work through it. She keeps thinking I'm trying to predict the future, I keep telling her that I'm going off of our present..and I'm acting based off that.
It's ugly guys. I feel a little lost and confused. Asking myself why I am accepting such behavior.. but feeling bad that I can't separate my heart and just be friends with the girl.
Am I being triggered? or are they red flags?
I feel I'm ready for a relationship.. just not one that looks like this.
*sigh*
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
