Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

Ok. Sandi. Wow!!! Sat night I invited her to join me at the jazz club. I was there with my 2 sons and my MIL. She arrived during the last set and was surprised to see her mum there with me. We all had a great time. Then she took her mum back to the RH but then she came home to me. She stayed the night. We were very intimate and it was the first time we were so intimate in over a year. In the morning she made breakfast for me & my 2 sons who had stayed overnight. The boys left on a canoe trip for the day and my W and I spent the day gardening and talking about the future and then last night she had to do the night shift at the RH so I spent the night with her there. No intimacy but a lot of holding and cuddling. She is still saying, "believe in the process" and be patient while she finds her way and works on herself. But she has said she loves me. We spent the day today gardening at the RH and then went to her D's for dinner. D and MIL noticed a positive difference, in my private conversations with them. I am hopeful that we've finally turned a major corner. W will go see our MC. One step at a time. I need to be patient and loving, and continue on my path of self-improvement. I am totally ecstatic!!! This has been the best weekend for me in over a year! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sandi2 for your help. I don't know what I would have done without your advice. You're a gem!

[sandi2]

Oh, no thanks necessary, Peter. It is good to hear the joy in your post. I still want to caution you to take it slowly. When you say she tells you to trust the process, it sounds like an answer she's giving when you push a little. Also, remember Michele's story about feeding the squirrel.

I know it will do no good to tell you to detach, but you still need to give her plenty of space. If she starts to feel smothered, she will pull away again. The LBH tends to feel very anxious (with good reason) until he has 100 % commitment. There is a reason she is telling you to trust the process. I'm not sure what she is referring to as "the process", but she isn't quite "there" yet.

Just keep remembering the squirrel.

It's great to hear you so uplifted!

[PeterV2]

Yes, I'd like to know when the last contact with OM was and if the A is definitely over. I'm wondering if I should pick a "safe" time when we're relaxed and in a good mood to ask this. I could just approach it as I need to know so that I can feel safe in our relationship. Is that chasing the squirrel away?

[sandi2]

If you are having doubts about the A, and if she has not volunteered anything to make you feel better, then I suggest you not paint yourself into a corner before getting it settled.

You have already slept with her and was so excited over last weekend, but the status of the A is unknown. If you allow her, she will ease her way back into the house with no further discussion about it. If it were me, I would probably need some assurances. I mean, if she can be so bold as to say she wants a week's vacation with you to see how she feels......you should be able to tell her that you need to know....before taking the vacation.....some answers to your questions regarding the A. If she gets angry about it or refuses to tell you, then accept it as a very bad sign.

I do not think it would be wise for her to return to the house or to take a trip until she gives you some basic information. That is the very least she could do. But the longer you let it ride, the tougher it will be to find a time to bring it up. You either are either looking for a better mood, or you are having a great time and don't want to spoil it.

Scaring away the squirrel is when you smother her too quickly in your attempts to get her home. The LBH often will take the first move she makes as being the green signal that everything is going to be okay. However, she may still be dealing with her issues and needs more time and space......and take it slower than the man wants to go. But I would put giving you an honest answer about her A as being in this category of scaring away the squirrel.

You don't want to be deceived until she gets back....and then she goes back into her distant & cold ways again. That is why I was encouraging you to take things slowly and get those biggest issues resolved before she comes back. People look at having sex differently. If it is needed in order to heal and work through your problems, I guess that is up to the two of you. It just might be a little tricky to know exactly where she stands if she's not talking. Know what I mean? It may make it harder to bring up unpleasant topic.........or not, IDK. You have to decide that part for yourself.

[PeterV2]

Thanks Sandi. There's a lot of things up in the air right now. Her mum leaving. Finding a live-in staff to do the nights at the RH (the candidate we had backed out). So her return home is still a ways off until we get those logistics worked out. In the meantime I do need reassurance that the A is over. I will ask her at an appropriate time in the next few days. I'll approach it lovingly, quietly, gently and at peer level, saying I need to feel safe in our R and in order to do that I need to know this info.
Hopefully she can appreciate my need and respond lovingly as well.
I believe she is still trying to figure out what she did and coming to terms with it. Her earlier admission that she's dishonored herself can be interpreted as remorse or at least a precursor to remorse. I agree that I need to still give her time and space. We haven't slept together for the past 2 nights and probably won't for a few nights more. She did say last night when we had dinner together that she was a little sore from our ML session on Saturday so she is being candid and open with me and comfortable enough. She's also going to book a session with our MC for the near future. She also told me last night that she loved me. She stayed at a girlfriends place the night before last and my imagination was going wild that she was with OM but I think that's just my vivid imagination and my past pain getting the better of me.

[sandi2]

She stayed at a girlfriends place the night before last and my imagination was going wild that she was with OM but I think that's just my vivid imagination and my past pain getting the better of me.

Your anxious feelings are justified, and that's why you need to at least hear her say the A with OM has ended. You want to be able to trust her and not worry every time she goes somewhere. I hope the MC will point out that she has to be willing to help you trust again.

[PeterV2]

0She wasn't feeling too well today, so I brought her supper after work and we ate together and watched some TV. She did reach over and kiss my head at one point - that's a first. Later I asked her a question. She had said at one point a month or so ago that she just wants to be taken care of. I brought that up and she said she was feeling weak at the time. I asked her what would make her feel like I was taking care of her: what actions, behaviors and words would I be using that she would interpret as me taking care of her. She skirted around the question and brought up past examples of me not putting her first. I tried a couple of times to direct her back to answering the question but to no avail. I think she doesn't really know what that looks like - at least she can't verbalize it.
Then I said I need to feel safe in our relationship. Then I asked if the A was over. She said yes. Then I asked when the last contact with OM was. She got mad, saying "I was wondering when the other shoe would drop - always the same. You're prying. I don't like being grilled" or something to that effect. It took a lot of apologizing to calm her down but eventually she did. She then said that she is too overwhelmed by the RH business and her mum's imminent departure that she doesn't have time to sort things out in her own head. Once here mum's gone then I think there will be a great weight lifted. Still I think I spooked the squirrel tonight. She just wants to spend time with me without any relationship talk. I can do that. Things are better now than
they have been in a long time. I just need to be patient and let the process unfold - what she means when she says "believe in the process".
Yes our MC has already told me that W will need to formulate a plan to rebuild trust. Our MC does have some SBT training and is willing to work with us using that approach. She is familiar with MWD and her techniques. In fact she is amazed at what I've done to get to where I am today with W seeming to be considering R. One day at a time.

[sandi2]

I don't know that I would have apologized. You were certainly within your rights to know. One has to wonder why she would fly off the handle......if she is serious about reconciliation. I can understand her not desiring to have a long conversation about OM, but my gosh, does she not feel the least she can do is give you a few answers?

The part that bothers me is her accusing you of "prying". That is how a WAW talks when she is trying to hide things from her H. I guarantee you if you accused her of something like that, she would be totally PO.

Makes me wonder if she will cooperate with a transparency plan. She has to be honest, open, and willing......or it won't work.

I know you are trying so hard to do all the right things with her. But she should not have flown off the handle that way. Unless you use to be bad about drilling her on every little thing.....her actions were not a good sign. But that's just me. Some WAW's in an A are resistant to what is necessary for the LBH to heal, which I believe is another sign of unremorse.

You can stop apologizing for every little thing that sets her off. And the fact you had to keep on doing it.....to calm her down, is not good. Is this a common picture of how things use to be between you? If so, you need to change it now, before she moves back. Some women use their short tempers as a way to control the man. Then she makes him practically get on his knees and beg her not to be mad at him. If that sounds familiar, stop it dead in the tracks!

Next time, tell her you don't want to upset her, but there are some things you need to know in order to heal. If you've done nothing wrong......do not apologize.

She had said at one point a month or so ago that she just wants to be taken care of. I brought that up and she said she was feeling weak at the time. I

It's not uncommon for women to feel this, especially when they are worn out or stressed. She was probably getting a taste of how she messed up her life. I just hope she's not trying to return home out of that need for someone to take care of her. And I know you want to take care of her......but be careful that you don't look like the guy who is jumping through hoops to please her. It doesn't work well on a WAW.

Remember to stand tall and don't back down from your stipulations. She may throw a fit or two, but if she sees it doesn't turn you into a pile of mush.....she will respect you more.

[PeterV2]

Yeah I hear you. I also thought that her flying off the handle like that was suspicious as if she's still in contact with OM. Then again maybe she's just going though A withdrawals right now and any mention of the A gets her upset.
She dropped by tonight and cooked me dinner. She's all lovey dovey. Tomorrow night she's coming to see me and my rock band play a gig. She may have a staff member stay the night at the RH so by the time I get home she may be there. Not sure of her plans at this point. Still, we are spending a lot of time together and that's good for filling the love bucket. I just need to stay strong and be patient. I must remember this is a marathon. There's positive progress and that's a good sign. I just have to keep doing what works.

[PeterV2]

She came to the gig tonight with our SIL. She stay for a couple of sets but then left. When I got home at 3:45am she wasn't here. She stayed at the RH. I guess she just wanted to get some sleep. It's a late night for me. But she was happy to see me tonight. At one point between sets when we were walking outside to go for a smoke she reached out and held my hand - first time she's done that in years. She gave me some very passionate kisses as well. I have to be patient. No spooking the squirrel.