congrats on making it through the one year mark! look how strong you are! look how far you've come!!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Thanks, I'm usually more up but the business part of divorcing is really bringing me down. I'm still making lists to stay focused and not lose hope.
I noticed your signature. I'm shocked that you got the bomb in Jan. and the divorce was final in April! WOW! That was so fast. Usually MLC-ers take forever due to confusion.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Yeah I guess I got lucky? I questioned MLC vs WAS and after reading loads and loads of materials... discovered it didn't really matter either way but he was doing so many script MLC things. It was uncontested, we have no children, all it took was him paying the L 900 bucks and me signing it. 60 day waiting period in my state and it was done. I had taken the little MLC characteristics "quiz" and he was 72% of the things listed so I'm fairly certain he is. Then there was the anger, the seemingly overnight change from ILY to I want a d NOW. the drinking, the EA, he cashed out his 401k to furnish his new apt, blamed me for everything. faked an entire Christmas, says he wasn't happy for 6 months... then he said it was a year or more...yet the entire time he never let on. It has been a whirlwind but it feels like an eternity. I hope your D doesn't bring you down too much, you really seem to making very good progress in your life.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
OMG I just finished reading an email my husband wrote to my attorney, completely distorting and if I didn't know better, lied about our marriage!
I know everyone has their own perspective but this was waaay over the top! Please tell me they all do this? Please tell me he doesn't actually believe what he wrote her? I am so absolutely disgusted and saddened by his character assassination.
Do they all do this to justify their behavior? I feel so dirty. What is so passive aggressive is the fact that I'm being copied on all of these emails. He is spewing and getting ugly. How in the world do I get this over with? I don't want any contact with this stranger.
I wanted to counter everything he said, but I know it will just create more issues and cost more money. Do I just sit back and watch him spew? I haven't engaged, I've just been reading all of his crap and zipping it!
This is SO SO mean and nasty!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Well, I am so sorry that your stbx is doing this stuff, but it is totally par for the course.
As to WHY they do it, well, this is just mo, but they want to control reality. They want to be the good guy in all of this, and the only way they can do it is to vilify us. Copying us has the dual role of hurting us (they are hurting and want everyone else to) and informing us of their reality, to try and make it more 'real'.
My xh is STILL doing this. He has become a cruel manipulative lying stranger. Horrible to experience, and very very sad. Even divorce doesn't have to be this way.
But each party needs to take responsbility for what has happened, and this the MLCer will not do. Everything is always someone else's fault. It is the voice of abuse - Their feeling and your actions. Someone else 'made' them to do it.
When they know they have got to you they have 'won' in their minds, but a victory is never enough. They batter on and on. We have to learn to let is wash over us.
Do you need to have a sight of these emails? If not I would block them if they distress you.
Be is absolutely correct and they do wear rose colored glasses and believe what they are saying because it's their perception of how things were and continue to be at this time. It's called rewriting history to validate and justify why they walked out and are doing the things things are doing. As Bea stated, it's par for the course.
When they see that you are not reacting and/or defending your position, some will try a different tactic to get to you. But, again, it all depends upon the MLCer. It will get worse before it gets better, because it's coming down to the wire on money and we all know how mlcers are about their money and sharing it w/the spouses and children.
He's copying you on the emails so that it rocks your boat and makes you doubt yourself. They know us very well and will use our "weak" spots to get to us. Learn to allow this stuff to wash over you and come to realize it's not about you at all, but about him and I would venture to say that 95-99% of what he's saying is pure projection and he's actually referring to himself and not you. Sad, but true, and that's why you can't allow this stuff to get you down. They need to have a scapegoat so that they don't look bad to the world, but eventually all will be revealed in due time.
If the emails are upsetting you, don't open them. File them away in the spam folder or block him and even better, just delete them unread. All he's trying to do is justify why he left. It's difficult not to take this stuff personally, but you've got to find a way to let it go. Yes, it hurts, but consider the sick soul that is spewing is looking at life via tunnel vision.
Now, go and exercise your frustrations away. It's a new day and you know what type of relationship you had and who did what and when. You are remembering the "live" thoughts and he's revisiting the "Memorex" version. Projection at it's finest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He went through the paragraphs one at a time and when it came to the " good and dutiful wife ", he just had to get nasty. I'm trying very hard to keep myself distracted and be positive. This stuff is just crushing to read.
Hopefully my attorney has seen this all before and won't bat an eye or respond. I'm just sickened by the ugliness and it is costing every time HE contacts her!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Why is he responding to your lawyer? Do you know if he's being represented by a lawyer? Yes, it costs each and every time your lawyer has to look at something or respond to something concerning your case. Lawyers see this kind of stuff all of the time and if the lawyer is a good one, they can pick up on what's going on very quickly and get to the heart of the matter and do the proper fighting for the client.
It's going to get ugly because he's not going to take on his share of the debt, nor is he going to want you to have anything more than what he was willing to give you a while ago. You are going to have to stand firm and do not negotiate any deals w/him w/o your lawyer reviewing them first. In fact, it's better if the lawyer handles everything and then you aren't subjected to the nasty and ugly behavior that your h is displaying right now.
It's going to be a tough ride, so strap yourself in and be prepared to stand your ground.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
