KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[KGirl]

We had agreed to start going through who gets what today, and despite telling myself I was not going to lose it... I lost it. As soon as he said "I will be keeping the mattress because I bought that with my own money" I called him selfish, told him it wasn't fair that I didn't want this but am the one moving and losing the cat and that I think it's cr*p that I have to split half of our things with him, etc. I sobbed for a while. He just sat there and said "I'm not being selfish. It's what's fair." Nothing he says makes any sense. He says this separation is needed for him to clear his head and figure out what he wants...
Me: but you're 99% sure you want a D. That doesn't leave much room to figure anything out.
H: Well, it will help me with that 1% - either confirm it, or swing it the other way.
Me: 1% doesn't seem like it will be enough to swing it the other way.
H: Yeah, that's true.
Nothing he says makes any sense to me and seems very contradictory. He says this will be relatively easy for him because things stay the same, just I'm not there. But, that he likes having me around to talk to and joke with and whatnot. Re: things staying the same, I said "well your financial situation is going to change pretty drastically." He says "how?" Umm... you're paying double of what you were paying for housing. I said I still don't understand why this is happening.. he says he's explained it to me over and over. I say all I'm hearing is that you're just not in love with me anymore. He says yes. So that's all there is to it? I just don't understand how you can just be "not in love" with someone like you have no control over it. He said it's not about me, it's about him... but then says that things I said and did in the past didn't help. I have lots of theories, like maybe he's so ashamed of his EA that he can't face a relationship with me... but who knows. I don't think he knows. And I know I shouldn't waste time trying to find answers to questions that don't have answers, instead of focusing on me. But how do you move on when there's no closure and no explanation? He said it's not like this just came out of nowhere, he's been thinking about it for a long time. Why didn't he say anything to me when he was first thinking about it?

I know I'm supposed to wish him the best and that he finds his happiness or whatever. But I honestly don't right now. I hope that all he has is the cat and fantasy sports and is lonely and depressed and can't find a GF. How do you get to a place where you can genuinely wish someone well that has been so hurtful?

It's a good thing I have IC tomorrow... probably will just be lots of venting and anger. I'm angry at H for being such a cr*ppy person. I'm angry at myself for choosing poorly and having poor judgment. I doubt my ability to pick a better H in the future - I mean, I dated this one for 6 years before we got engaged, I would have hoped I knew enough about him to make a good choice. How would I ever be able to trust someone else after only a couple of years? My brain is being pretty good at the "I hate my life, it s*cks" story this week.