Wife doesn't feel it... (Part 2)

[25yearsmlc]

At the end of this, I'll post some musings by a man who went thru a lot and articulated things well.

For now, let me dive in here...

25,

I try to keep everything in my posts as completely true as possible. If I say something that contradicts something previously it is because I learned something new. I'm not going out of my way to learn stuff, but her dad and sister don't like what she's doing so they call me and tell me everything even if I don't ask.

if it relates to your kids, listen and do what needs to be done. If it's about your wife, ask them to keep it to themselves. Usually, (not always but most of the time) getting a lot of the details makes reconciling harder.

Her sister confirmed to me today that she is actually living with the other guy now and the children are staying there as well.

Then the court order was done and that's all you can do. Let the cards fall where they fall with that issue. Be there for your kids and do NOT bad mouth their mom. More on that later...

Also, my wife told me that she let's him be around the kids because "it's just like being around a friend."

Do not ask her about him, at all. Let your L do the "talking" about the kids, for you. And if you feel pressed, you say "I'm doing what is best for the kids and I could not live with myself if I didn't. I hope you understand that down the road" and end the conversation. She needs time to reflect. I think her not seeing the kids much and being with OM, will give her some clarity that you hovering around her, would not provide. It may even speed things up. But stop expecting ANY significant improvement in the next 90 days. Seriously, take this ordeal in 90 days chunks.

I was extremely codependent and that's o email of the issues I'm addressing in counseling.

Counseling is fine. But what are you DOING to address/change this? That is why I only see "solution based" therapists b/c I will not spend my life navel gazing about my childhood issues or how I FEEL this day and how I might feel tomorrow, etc. Sure there are unresolved issues we can all work on, but when it comes to Divorce Busting, we DO, and we Do what works, i.e. what helps the r improve.

You must not repeat past behaviors that are Unhelpful...and predicting and demanding answers so fast from her, are not helpful.


I do try to stop thinking about her, I have completely surrendered this whole thing with her to God, but

when the word "But" is inserted into a sentence, it totally NEGATES the previous clause. So you can say you "do try" and that you have "Completely surrendered this whole thing with her to God..." And then you write "BUT"...and that means you took it back from God. Turn it over to him and don't take it back. Keep turning it over to Him if you need to, and you will.

I can't help the thoughts that pop up in my mind. I try to stop them, but when I can't I let them out here.

Venting here is fine if you feel better or if it helps you change. But if you only spiral negatively when you vent here, then don't let yourself. Imagine a STOP SIGN in your head and visualize it when thoughts of her come into your head. It's painful, and hard to do, I KNOW....do the Stop sign and then substitute a prayer or mantra or positive image, for the negative thoughts.

DO IT. I used to think the words "I turn my m/pain/anger over to you God" and then I'd say it and thinking it, saying it, hearing me say it, helped it sink in. But I was doing it MANY times a day in the shower (so the kids didn't think I was nuts) and it really did, eventually help me stay calm and let my h go. I released him to his "mission" which I never understood.

And there may be a time you will need to forgive her for her actions, even if you never understand them. It's not easy,

but then,

holding onto anger to hurt someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,

to get smoke in their eyes...


I am working hard on myself as outlined earlier, as for 180s it's kind of hard with her 5 hrs away

The 180s are FOR YOU, not her! Oh sure, They'll help when she interacts with you but to "wait" for her to see the 180s means they are "tactics" to get her back with, NOT true change within you. Please read the books that form the basis of this site.

so I'm just being happy and upbeat when we exchange the kids and I used to be very nosy I guess always asking her what she was doing etc. And I haven't done that at all for a while. I'm trying to respond friendly to her and everything.

^^ good. So, the good news is that your changes will be more noticeable with time between visits. Just harder to note the changes when you live in the same house and see them every day. My h was 300 miles north of us for a year, off and on (every other weekend he'd come by) and then he moved to Alaska...so I know there are downsides, but there are upsides too.

Like what I just mentioned, which means you make the most of each interaction and you view them as opportunities to present the new winning you...


As for GAL I am struggling. I go to the gym every morning before work, run 4 days a week after work. I meet up with my mentor twice a week. But I'm struggling to find a hobby because I don't have much money right now. I used to go to the bar and stuff when I was younger but I don't want to do that so I'm struggling to make friends other than my work buddies. Any advice would be appreciated.

See my GAL list below.

Also, she just called with my son and at the end of the convo asked me to bring her the baby gate and my son's summer clothes. I felt bad because I can't tell her that I filed for Temp custody yet. Was an awkward moment.

Do you know when she'll get the filing? Expect a response from her that will first make you feel "wrong". Be calm, always. It projects strength. You can be calmly passionate and firm and BRIEF about your goals, which are to "release her to her task/mission" of self discovery or blah blah blah

but you are their father and you want them in your lives more. Period.


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. Meeting new people is key, b/c they don't know your situation and won't bring it up.

And I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how 'busy' you are, or 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia & depression is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.
Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.
Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. (Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, I went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very different for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.