4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[Georgiabelle]

BK,

Actually , I was friendly with h a few years before we started dating as we were involved with others. Then we were both single and I always thought he was funny. He spoke very fondly of his parents and usually spent Sunday afternoons with them. H was always closer to his mom. As his Dad's condition progressed, h became more and more rude and disrespectful to his father. We discussed it a few times and he told me he didn't like seeing his dad decline. I understand that's difficult. However, he's taken it to an all new level the last few years. It's really sad. Of course, h treats our oldest son deplorably as well. Why? H says he can't stand being around him because he reminds him so much of himself.

You asked something interesting BK. What insecurities did I have? I had an ED starting when I was around 7 - I was ahead of my time. Binge eater. Binge exerciser. Purger. Brief battle with anorexia. I was primarily bulimic. I was with someone for 7 years prior to h. He was a good guy and very good looking- he modeled for a time. I'm kind of granola. Sometimes x bf would try to *change * my look and I felt very insecure. Very insecure. Some days I thought I was the ugliest girl in the world. He actually always told me how attracted he was to me, but I thought I was the ugliest girl in the world.

By the time I was single at 29, I felt much more confident and at ease. This is very difficult to admit and I'm going to do it. When h and I started dating, I immediately liked his family. I think subconsciously I thought I was a better catch than h. I did not think I was better than him- I don't think about people in that context . Rather, I had my caca together and he did not. I think I've always carried that with me in our m. However, he was always very devoted to me do it never entered my mind that he would leave. It literally came out of nowhere. Looking back I do see little changes over the year leading up to this.

[2BHappy]

GB,

I quickly read thru this thread, and I want to ask you one question.

Have you forgiven yourself? Can you work on forgiving your H.

A couple of months ago, I decided to forgive myself for all the wrong I did in my M, and to forgive my H. Now I feel mostly sorry for him and how very sad and confused and unhappy he is.
That forgiveness really released me from guilt and anger.
I did not like to read that your M is ending and that your H is still in such a place that he can not be a good friend to you and a great father to his kids.
Even if my H does decide to not come back to our R and make a better M and R. I do pray that he continues to be a good father to our son, and hope he can be a better friend to me.

Working daily on letting go of the anger and pain, and true forgiveness for both me and my H.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks for your comment 2B. I have had a case if the sads these last couple of days. I actually cried in the shower today and briefly on a walk at work. Part if it is PMS and the other is that I'm wondering what happened?

Have I forgiven myself? No. I'm working on it. It's a process. I feel like I picked someone who I don't even recognize now. H speaks like he's 16 and honestly, acts that way as well. It's bizarre. I was not a great wife in the intimacy and affection areas. My marriage was not my top priority. My kids were number 1 and they still are. I was a great friend and business partner. That doesn't sound very romantic does it?

Have I forgiven him? No. I'm not sure where I am in that process. When I see him, I have to remind myself that we were best friends for 12 years. I don't initiate any kind of chat but will greet him or say have a nice day. He talks only to s4. He said he gives him what he needs. He knows the kids are my top priority so he has not checked in since he left.

I know h is a mess. I do. I cannot imagine being him or wanting to swap places with him. Some days I do feel sorry for him. How horrible it must be to hate everything and think that a new love will "fix" him. However, as a mother I feel terrible for my kids. To hear them say derogatory remarks about the man I chose makes me sad for them. At almost 41, does it feel weird to hang out with only people in their 20s?

I'm just thinking out loud. It's so strange to imagine what kind of r I will have with h. As Job always says, I know the answers have not been revealed yet. I don't think of this often as it is a complete unknown. However, it's so strange to think this man knows me better than anyone and yet I cannot say or tell him anything. He isn't interested and I have not reached out. I know it's not true but the father of my kids told them I ruined his life? How? By taking care of him for 12 years and paying the bills ? By telling him I loved him and having 3 amazing kids with him? He wanted the infatuation and new love feeling. I was just keeping the laundry going and cleaning up poop.

I'm sorry to be a downer tonight. I'll wrap up the pity party soon. I promise.

[BklynMom]

You are right your H is insane in his logic and justifications. Their juvenile behavior is senseless and kind of pathetic.

For many months I felt sorry for my kids (and I can still go there). The thing that takes me out that is how I am a better mom now.

I am more confident, stronger and have a clearer set of priorities. I tried so long to be super mom and it made me insane and our lives insane. Now I am grateful for everyday and grateful I can show my girls how to live with gratiitude for what we have today.

[LongRoad06]

GB, I know what it's like to not be able to forgive. I have a really hard time with forgiving people and an even harder time forgiving myself. I'd also rather throw pity parties and do the woe is me thing while eating ice cream for dinner versus taking a good hard look inside at myself. It's scary, and I'm having to face some demons now that I've never really dealt with before. Being downright mean when I get hurt is one of them. I turn into very bad person during those times. I am embarrassed and ashamed of that person.

It's not easy. I can sympathize with you. I have found that self talk is helping me heal some. Laurie, my DB coach, has told me that I need to do more of it. It seems really corny, but I stare at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I'm sorry for what I've done, and I forgive myself for doing those things that hurt me and hurt others.

I haven't forgiven his mother for being a royal b, and the scum of the earth yet. I have a feeling that is going to take years and a lot of therapy. She hasn't seen my daughter yet because of this. I'm holding on to a huge grudge. Not that she probably doesn't deserve it, but it's energy wasted on things that have happened in the past that I cannot change. It makes me a worse person for dwelling on it, yet I cannot seem to let go.

I guess what I am saying is - I understand what you are going through. I know what it feels like when you get a case of the sads. It seems like your world is imploding. I have found that reading trashy novels or mindless young adult books (there's one about an english girl and her strange family, cat, and friends that is hilarious) gets my mind occupied long enough to where I can do a little self talk later. The first book in that young adult series (there are ten books) is called Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging. It really is mindless slapstick comedy, but since you have kids, you'll probably find some humor in her thoughts as a teenager.

[2BHappy]

GB,

I totally understand a case of the sads, try not to dwell in that space, feel it accept it and move on.

Forcing myself to be happy, forcing myself to smile has now helped me to be happier and more peaceful, its becoming a habit, a true feeling not so force anymore. It took me a few months of being so down and upset and worried and angry and mad and hurt, I said I dont want to spend anymore of my life feeling like this.I also dealt with anger issues and meanness in the past towards everyone, I'm also working on that. Dont want to me quick to anger or upset all the time anymore.

Working on forgiving yourself and your H will help you, it has truly helped me. When I think about my old M, and start to get mad or sad, I thing about forgiving myself and my H and moving on.

[Georgiabelle]

I feel much better today. Just cycling thru feelings of anger and embarrassment. Anger is an emotion I struggle with as I am generally rather happy. However, I know I must feel it, accept it and work through it. Embarrassment? Meh. More on that shortly.

Few things....I spoke with the older kids's therapist yesterday after 5 weeks of her meeting with them only. She said both kids says the exact same thing in different ways about their dad. S11 of course loves his dad and has essentially written him off. D 9 is extremely angry at her dad and understandably so as he treats them poorly. She said some of the things D9 said are so heartbreaking and distressing that she would need her permission to tell me. I said I want her to be in a safe place so please don't ask her unless absolutely necessary. She said the reason why D9 won't tell me certain things is that " she doesn't want to make me feel bad about the person I married" and that she doesn't say stuff to her Nana "because she doesn't want to disrespect Nana by talking badly about her son." S11 seems to be doing well and hopefully D9 is working through some of her feelings.
She said the kids tell her he never laughs or smiles. I did smile and say, " Yes, he told us he's on the path to happiness." She also said what idiot tells his kids once he's happy, they will be happy too. I just smiled and nodded. She asked if it was that obvious that h only interacts with s4. Yes. It's very obvious as that relationship requires less work. The therapist also told me that my kids have such love and admiration for me. That made me cry too. Tears of gratitude. I am so lucky and fortunate to have them.


I did check Twitter last night. I think the universe wanted me to see something. H's gf tweeted that she thinks her bf is having a midlife crisis. Several people chimed in with " that's been obvious for months." H did not chime in because last time they said that he said they were wrong. He did however say he had thrown his life away and was finally taking it back. Then the commenters laughed about his behavior. Sorry. I know it's funny to a bunch of 20 something's who have never been married but on this side of the fence I have 3 kids who aren't laughing at him. I have laughed sometimes , if only for the absurdity of things. Overall, this bomb in our lives has been anything but funny. I then promptly deleted my account. I need to see no more. Happy to do that.

S11 has a severe learning disability. He received his first ever academic achievement award yesterday. I was so thrilled for him that I cried. When he told h this am he won, h said "uh huh."

So, yes. I struggle with embarrassment. My own daughter doesn't want me to feel bad about my choosing their dad. I felt horrible for s11 this morning as his dad totally dismissed his achievement. I'm not surprised.

Lawn guy told me last night that S11 was such a polite and helpful young man. He helped him with some of the yard work. I think I'm doing a good job with these little peeps. They are such a joy to watch.

We have a bird' a nest in a trellis in our yard. We were looking in the nest at the babies and eggs. A simple delight for all. Walked around in the yard barefoot yesterday and talked to the elderly man across the street walking his dog. He , too, told me that I had 3 funny, polite kids. Think God and or the universe is talking to me again.

S11 is going with his Uncle to the beach this weekend. I'm hanging with the other 2 and we will go to a couple of museums. Getting there. I am.

[TL72*]

GB you're just amazing. good for you on deleting the twitter account, no need to see that cr*p. Your sons achievement is simply wonderful and I'm sure you are so proud. H is the one missing out. His loss. It's great that you are seeing the good things. You have a lot to be thankful for. Also so good that the kids are in counseling. You truly are a good mom. You are handling things with such grace and you should be proud of yourself.

[kml]

H's gf tweeted that she thinks her bf is having a midlife crisis.

ROFL! I love it! Aren't you glad to know even she can see there's something wrong with him?

And as for all your talk about your shortcomings in the marriage - yes, it's important to learn from that, and not let a future relationship become sex-starved. But on the other hand, let me be perfectly clear - that was NOT the cause of your breakup!

A sane man expresses his need, asks you to go to counseling with him to work on the marriage, takes you away for a romantic weekend without the kids, etc.

And a man who leaves his wife only because he feels unloved by her, doesn't abandon his children in the process. A sane man would be putting extra effort into his kids at this point.

This is MLC, probably compounded on top of chronic mental health issues he has. His irregular work history, struggles with anxiety, etc - you have been compensating for him for a long long time.

Take care of your kids, get legal advice to protect your self financially, stick to the high road, and get out and enjoy your life. I know that last part sounds strange, but once this is all over, regardless of which way it turns out, you will regret wasting too much of your life's energy on the sad stuff. Get out and do fun things with the kids and with friends, pursue a dream, live BIG.

[2BHappy]

WOW if the GF is tweeting about his MLC. WOW

And her friends are LOL at this situation, when your H comes to his senses,,,WOW

So sad, reading about all these stories very sad.