Wife doesn't feel it... (Part 2)

[Thornton]

Im sorry buddy. Have you looked into therapy to help you process your feelings?

[Corbean]

I am in counseling, I go tomorrow actually. I just don't know.

[25yearsmlc]

So if my wife completely moves in with this guy is there really a chance of her wanting to make things work if she's a codependent person?

Of course there is a chance. Co-dependent (which you may also be, btw) does not mean you are insane or blind. His conduct will contrast sharply with yours, won't it? No mother enjoys seeing her children put at risk, so if she is not blind, she'll protect them.

I have to wonder a few things. First, I make these comments operating on the assumption that your facts are accurate

BUT YOU you said at one point, you did NOT know if your kids are exposed to the allegedly druggie boyfriend. So let's stop saying that it is happening if you don't know it's happening. Are they at her parents when she's with OM, or what?

Secondly, moving in with him is a lot different than spending the night there. If she spends time with him and you somehow do not compare well, that's a problem.

But don't blame her co-dependence for that, let alone so fast, for a few reasons. First, it keeps you focussed on HER CHOICES (or what you imagine them being) instead of your own. You have no control over her choices and your mind reading does not seem helpful at all, besides being inaccurate it's just time consuming.

What should you be doing instead?

Stay in your sandbox and work on yourself.

Stop staring at her and mind reading and negatively projecting.

You have work to do in your own sandbox. How is that going? And what are your 180s and GAL? 'I want to hear more about that.

[Corbean]

So am I wrong to be upset that I feel even more certain in getting the kids because her sister told me that they are living at his house?

[25yearsmlc]

Yeah today is just really bad emotionally for me. I keep asking myself why she gets to be happy. She is living her normal happy life and literally just replaced me with this guy.

I don't believe that at all. I think she felt small around you, and she feels needed and attended to, from him. It's often the case the the WAS finds OM/OW who seems "less than" the spouse they left. But to the WAS, it feels good to be the "winner" or the good catch, in the r, instead of feeling as if your partner looks down at you or is always working on "fixing" your many flaws...

Plus, again, you are mind reading. It's not healthy.


Yet I'm sitting here all alone,


Sigh....speaking of co-dependent....this is YOUR comment, & it suggests that 1) SHE is responsible for your loneliness, and 2) that her supposed happiness somehow negates yours.

It is not related to your happiness. IF it were, then every time she has a flat tire, you'll win a new car? If she has a good day at work, you'll get fired? See, it's just silly to connect her CLAIMED happiness with yours.

You are and always have been, responsible for your own happiness. Bring something to the table, other than your needs. Til now, her role was caring for the kids whether you were around or not, and cooking for them and you, (no break for her b/c hey, you earned the money and so you were "THE Provider" and she got no credit for a darn thing...and if this guy needs her like an alcoholic would, but says he loves/needs her, then for now that makes her feel useful and perhaps even adored.

You need to focus only on what YOU CAN DO, which is to start speaking in HER love languages. Have you read the Five Love Languages? She may need some compliments and some acts of service from you. Help her feel your love in her love language, not just more of the same old words.



I have associates, and some friends, but I miss that deep loving connection I though we had. It just doesn't make sense, but I guess it's not supposed to.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. You continue to treat this as if she'll "wake up" in a few days...or weeks. You have not been here more than some weeks.

Look at my time line in my signature. Get more realistic about your timeline and stop predicting things that are simply NOT predictable now. We lack important information.

And btw, the comments about your MIL's home disturb me. My gut says you are too biased to be fair/accurate.

But If your w did the housework in your home, and you said she did, then she'll clean up there, or it's not as bad as you make it.

Did you ever visit MIL with your kids before? I'm betting you did, so you cannot say that NOW it's "too dirty" for your kids, when it was fine to take them there before, b/c she was not with OM.

Don't let your wounded ego color your vision too much. And stay focussed on the one person you do control, you.

How's YOUR personal work going? I read what you want to be like, but how are you getting there? And your GAL?

BTW, I think you did the right thing by filing for temporary custody orders. But now step back, and become a man only a fool would leave.

[25yearsmlc]

So am I wrong to be upset that I feel even more certain in getting the kids because her sister told me that they are living at his house?

I don't even understand this^^ comment. Explain please

[Corbean]

25,

I try to keep everything in my posts as completely true as possible. If I say something that contradicts something previously it is because I learned something new. I'm not going out of my way to learn stuff, but her dad and sister don't like what she's doing so they call me and tell me everything even if I don't ask.

Her sister confirmed to me today that she is actually living with the other guy now and the children are staying there as well.

Also, my wife told me that she let's him be around the kids because "it's just like being around a friend."

I was extremely codependent and that's o email of the issues I'm addressing in counseling.

I do try to stop thinking about her, I have completely surrendered this whole thing with her to God, but I can't help the thoughts that pop up in my mind. I try to stop them, but when I can't I let them out here.

I am working hard on myself as outlined earlier, as for 180s it's kind of hard with her 5 hrs away so I'm just being happy and upbeat when we exchange the kids and I used to be very nosy I guess always asking her what she was doing etc. And I haven't done that at all for a while. I'm trying to respond friendly to her and everything.

As for GAL I am struggling. I go to the gym every morning before work, run 4 days a week after work. I meet up with my mentor twice a week. But I'm struggling to find a hobby because I don't have much money right now. I used to go to the bar and stuff when I was younger but I don't want to do that so I'm struggling to make friends other than my work buddies. Any advice would be appreciated.

Also, she just called with my son and at the end of the convo asked me to bring her the baby gate and my son's summer clothes. I felt bad because I can't tell her that I filed for Temp custody yet. Was an awkward moment.

[25yearsmlc]

if you mean that somehow the court filing you did today, which I assume your w does not yet know about, will lead you to having the kids all the time, I'd say you are again predicting too much.

You are "futurizing" instead of being in the moment and taking this a day at a time. I mean you even asked at what point you do the DB thing versus what is best for the kids

as if they conflict, but after how long? You have been DBing...for a month?
BE MORE PATIENT, like the most patient you have even been, and then when you feel that you are being very very patient,

multiply it by 1830 times...it's just absurd to be expecting answers at this point. Your wife is confused!

Meanwhile, here are the DB rules (guidelines, based on MWD's teachings and btw, have you actually read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books?


If not, DO THAT ASAP so you don't need so much reassurance, when it's impossible to give you that.

The "Rules" below do not all apply to all marriages, but it's a great thing to refer to when you have a question.

I reduced the list, laminated it and carried it in my pocket...take a look and reflect and give this TIME.

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. ***Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.***

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake but it helps the r too.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.

39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.

40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day and “from this day forward,” like the vows say. Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, but it is so freeing.

[Corbean]

And to explain that comment, her sister confirmed that she and kids are living with the OM, so it makes me feel more justified in filing for Temp custody because I completely disagree with that.

25 you actually nailed her love languages on the head. I am trying to show her love and kindness, but my head is caught up on this other guy. I hate it.

I'm not sure how she is going to react when she discovers that I actually want the kids to be in the local area around me so that I can be involved in their daily lives and make sure they are well taken care of.

Her MILs house has always been this way. We always complained about it, but we only ever stayed temporarily. I don't approve of it for a permanent place.

I honestly try not to be based in my posts. I try to just say what I know, but sometimes feelings come out.

[Corbean]

Also, I have read both books.

Maybe I need to reread them. I really do need to be patient in this, but it is hard.