The thing is I am completely fine with letting God handle her and work in her, my goal isn't reconciliation, for my marriage I have patience and I am ok with this taking as long as it needs. However, what I not ok with is my children's living conditions and the care they are receiving, or in my daughter's case not receiving. As long as my children are in the local area where I can be in their every day lives and can have my equal share of time with them I am fine with her doing whatever she wants for herself. I am not ok, being a part time dad every other weekend. This is a right that I have that I will enforce. I am not attempting to force her into reconciliation, I am simply doing it to be the father my children need.
As I stated above, my hobbies typically took my time away from her, not the kids. I was just a passive dad that didn't take as active a role as I should have.
I agree completely about your assesment of how she is probably feeling and how I made her feel. I think you actually hit the nail on the head, and I learned a lot about myself through this time so far and am commited to true change. Not change for her, but for myself to be someone I am happy with, and for my children so they have the father they deserve.
I outlined above what I'm doing to make things different now. As I said before she had no clue I was still looking at porn, but I am honestly making strides to change into a better man for myself.
It does make sense and I hope that I have given you enough details to have a more clear picture of our situation. I am commited to true core change in myself, and to step up and being a great dad, not just "better than my dad" which is the approach I took. I understand now that just because she was a sahm that doesn't mean she is solely responsible for task related to the kids. I understand now that making my wife my priority should trump and every hobby or activity that I want to do.
It's sad that it took getting to this point for me to have the wake up call I needed, but it's something that I am not going to take lightly. I am simply going to be patient with her and let her take whatever journey she is on and leave that be. I won't stand by and watch my kids be torn apart by this though and live in substandard conditions.
Thanks again for your bluntness and I await your reply.
Me-33,W-26 M-4 yrs, T-5 years S- 2 D- 4 (Special needs, undiagnosed) Apr 2014 B date End of April 2014 Moved in with parent's
I am coming from the divorce/custody angle, not the relationship angle, but I think you need to get moving and start asserting your rights immediately. 9/10ths of the time, custody is ordered as a continuation of the status quo. Right now you are letting her dictate the status quo. She has every right to go and take the kids to another state, live with her mom or her druggy boyfriend. You have every right to go get them and bring them home. And if you are unwilling or too afraid to do this, then you need to go ahead and file and get a custody order. She left you, took your kids and is living with and exposing your kids to a drug addict. I dont think you need to worry about her feelings about the relationship right now, because right now I dont think she is thinking about anyone's feelings but her own.
Alright so I finally have some peace about this situation.
I just left the lawyer's office, and the girl I was talking to about everything had something to day so I had another L talking to me. I told her I didn't feel right filing for D because it starts the train toward's it, and that train doesn't stop unless we BOTH agree to stop it.
I then told her I wanted to do the minimum necessary to get my kids here where they will be taken care of. She then said that they can in fact do just a petition for temporary custody that would keep them here in my state until the hearing date, and then I could ensure they stay in this state at the hearing. I feel MUCH better about this option because it shows here that it isn't about me and her, but about the kids well being and it allows her to go her own path without judgement or interference from me.
Me-33,W-26 M-4 yrs, T-5 years S- 2 D- 4 (Special needs, undiagnosed) Apr 2014 B date End of April 2014 Moved in with parent's
Corbean, you often make me look at how I am. You keep looking at your sitch trying to 'fix' it. You don't and can't know what tomorrow will bring. Just let her take her journey and work on who you are and want to be.
Btw, I think you made the right call not filing and just protecting your custody rights. I was really close to filing too and decided not to for now.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I know, and its never as simple as just making the decision. You have to remind yourself, keep yourself in check, and dedicate to keeping things about you every day. I do it too. But thats part of why we post. I've started setting a reminder on my phone that goes off twice a day with a message to remind me what I need to focus on.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Yeah today is just really bad emotionally for me. I keep asking myself why she gets to be happy. She is living her normal happy life and literally just replaced me with this guy. Yet I'm sitting here all alone, I have associates, and some friends, but I miss that deep loving connection I though we had. It just doesn't make sense, but I guess it's not supposed to.
Me-33,W-26 M-4 yrs, T-5 years S- 2 D- 4 (Special needs, undiagnosed) Apr 2014 B date End of April 2014 Moved in with parent's
It's seriously so hard not to text her and say, "You know you're seriously screwing up. I am really working hard on change here and we could be great together."
Me-33,W-26 M-4 yrs, T-5 years S- 2 D- 4 (Special needs, undiagnosed) Apr 2014 B date End of April 2014 Moved in with parent's
