It ain't over until the last signature on the D papers are signed. My W has been saying D, D, D, for months now and guess what? She hasn't left the house yet and I've started Sandi's 37 rules and LRT and I am seeing some positive results so far.
For now, focus on YOU. Focus on things you enjoy and love your life. If you're attractive, independent, confident she is more likely to come back. The grass is RARELY greener on the other side, she will more than likely learn this too late. Don't wait for her, make her come crawling back on broken glass before you take her back.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
You are right Riley. Trying very hard to focus on my journey and allow her to go through hers. I need a break from our home right now with so many reminders of the life we had planned. Planning to visit my B and his I wife for a few days to get away.
I am beginning to wonder if she is going through a MLC. She had applied but didn't get into an MBA prog. which she is taking very hard. This had been on her must do list. This was right after our major falling out and during the period of Going dark these past couple of months. Her self esteem took a major hit (her words).
She got support from EA and friends which I think reinforced for her we are not meant to be together. She talked about taking time away for rest of this year to travel, work part time, live with a younger female friend (27) who is in school to experience life, including seeing other people. I may be reaching here but at times,some of the words and phrases she used to describe her plans felt like she was rehashing what her new friends my be advising her to do.
I can't stop her but I'm really hoping she does not go through with a PA. Working on detaching and GAL.
We are talking tomorrow about the D logistics. I don't want a D but feel that saying no would only make her more determined to do it.
M:36 W:34 T:9,M:4 Me,WAH:7/2011 My apology:12/2012 Her,WAW:01/2013 ILYBINILWY:4/2013 W's EA:5/2013 Sep:9/2013 2nd EA signs:03/2014
A lot of good reflection today. One of my fixings is to be a lot more assertive in our relationship and being a leader.
A constant complaint was that she felt she was doing everything on her own. She said wanted a partnership.
I thought I was doing everything to help her with chores and what not. Turns out in hindsight, it was that I was very passive with decision making and almost too laid back. At the time we both felt it was more than just the chores but couldn't get past that as an issue even with MC. It just becomes a blame game. Whatever she decided was fine by me which drove her nuts and made me very confused.
Regardless of what happens between us, I really need to work on this.
Can anyone point me to success stories here where the LBH had to deal with this?
And,
How do I provide leadership with the D discussion tomorrow without pursuing while at the same time not burning any chances?
I have been mulling it over but not sure how to proceed.
M:36 W:34 T:9,M:4 Me,WAH:7/2011 My apology:12/2012 Her,WAW:01/2013 ILYBINILWY:4/2013 W's EA:5/2013 Sep:9/2013 2nd EA signs:03/2014
Update: W and I were to talk yesterday about the D discussion but it didn't happen. I didn't call nor did she.
I am not certain what this means. We have both been conflict averse. My thought was that if she wants the D, then she should take the lead on any discussions and actions on that. However, does this bring up the issue of my not taking initiative, when in this case I do not want the D?
Her parents are with her now. I don't know what she has told them but do wonder if they, eager to have her move on from her pain, would help her with the D process and even accelerate it. An unfortunate pattern has been them stepping in to help her out with various things, including finances, even as an adult.
This was a recurring issue I brought up in the past. In this case, I don't know how to handle it if true.
Do I approach her parents first and let them know I haven't given up yet and that we need space and time?
OR
Do I just wait it out and see what she does, with or without her parents?
M:36 W:34 T:9,M:4 Me,WAH:7/2011 My apology:12/2012 Her,WAW:01/2013 ILYBINILWY:4/2013 W's EA:5/2013 Sep:9/2013 2nd EA signs:03/2014
Update: W and I were to talk yesterday about the D discussion but it didn't happen. I didn't call nor did she.
I am not certain what this means. We have both been conflict averse. My thought was that if she wants the D, then she should take the lead on any discussions and actions on that. However, does this bring up the issue of my not taking initiative, when in this case I do not want the D?
Her parents are with her now. I don't know what she has told them but do wonder if they, eager to have her move on from her pain, would help her with the D process and even accelerate it. An unfortunate pattern has been them stepping in to help her out with various things, including finances, even as an adult.
This was a recurring issue I brought up in the past. In this case, I don't know how to handle it if true.
Do I approach her parents first and let them know I haven't given up yet and that we need space and time?
OR
Do I just wait it out and see what she does, with or without her parents?
FYI, my H filed...the fired his attorney. Now keeps saying he's going to "work on the paperwork" but something else always comes up.
Just drop that as a topic of conversation for the time being. Don't bring it up nor ask about it. If she does, tell her you need to think about things before having that talk.
Leave her family out of it. This is an issue between the two of you. I have since cut his family off for the time being, as not a single one has reached out to see how I'm doing, ask if I need help with the baby, ask to see the baby etc.
They have never been very involved since the beginning, so this isn't a surprise.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Some early movement. W texted asking if I wanted to talk over the phone.
She apologized for her upbeat tone of voice during our last call. She wanted me to know it was not an easy decision for her but felt that it came across as if she was thrilled with the choice.
And though it is a tough decision for her, she is pretty certain it is done. She said even though there are moments where she feels one way and then switches back, she is certain she is done. This back and forth drove me crazy this past year and a half as I didn't understand the flip flop. However, reading similar WAS patterns here has really helped me to see why this happens.
She wanted to clarify whether I thought we just had an argument (when I asked for a D), or if I meant that we were done. She wanted to know if I truly believed that or if it was something I simply said to MIL when we talked about what has been happening to brush her off. I said we had an argument where I said things I regret and that I did not mean we were done.
She made it clear that she was really convinced we were done and made a point of making sure I really heard her on this. That she thought we were done.
My mind reading started to ring in sensing there was something behind this.
But I resisted the urge to probe and told her 'I can understand where you are coming from'.
She also wanted it to be clear that she was not having an affair when we had the argument but she got the sense that I still thought so. I let her know I appreciated her letting me know but my level of trust with her is very low right now. It could be rebuilt but right now it is very low. I explained that her way of being evasive with questions in the recent past had led to this for me.
I didn't tell her this but I think she has begun a R with someone else.
She seemed to be reading from notes checking off points to cover while we talked. Overall, we were both calm as we talked. She asked if I had any questions. I said the floor was hers and I was here to listen to what she had to say. And that when she was ready, I wanted to hear about how her work celebration went and the visit from her parents.
She jumped right into it which surprised me as she mentioned earlier she had wanted to talk about the D logistics.
Amicable enough of a conversation hearing her excitedly describe it all. She sounded happy to tell me about it. I asked a few follow up questions here and there but for the most part, let her talk. However,after chatting for about half an hour, I had to leave and let her know we had to wrap up the call.I let her know I wanted to hear the rest of the story the next time we talked.
She said she was going on a road trip for a week beginning Saturday. I didn't ask where or with whom. She suggested we talk tomorrow night or when she gets back. We agreed to talk next weekend.
Detaching really helped me even though there were points I really wanted to say what was on my mind. I tried to validate as much as I could.
Trying hard not to over analyze the whole conversation or where this is all going. Taking it one step at a time.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. (Lao-tzu)
M:36 W:34 T:9,M:4 Me,WAH:7/2011 My apology:12/2012 Her,WAW:01/2013 ILYBINILWY:4/2013 W's EA:5/2013 Sep:9/2013 2nd EA signs:03/2014
