Looking up at the mountain ahead

[Train]

Hey, y'all!

I'm still here. Checking in daily, but not posting. Fact is: I don't know what to post most days. I'm still as confused as ever. My mind goes back and forth a million times ... and in a million different directions ... many times a day.

The same stresses are still here: OW is outright rejecting the no-contact letter now, but she isn't being *obsessive* (though I guess that's relative). While she said she would "absolutely" honor H's request for no-contact - and told H and our family to stay away from her, even the grocery store at which she works - she's now started blocking her number and calling him every-other-day or so. At first, H just assumed it was her; but an assumption, for me, wasn't pressing enough to have his number changed (at aNOTHER hefty cost to us). I finally told him to answer one of the blocked calls so we would know for sure; I *didn't*, however, tell him what to say/do if he discovered that it was, in fact, her calling. He got his chance the day before yesterday. And sure enough, she was on the other end: "Are you alone?" she asked. H hung up on her. She tried calling back. He didn't answer. And now he's insisting on changing his number, no matter the cost. We plan to go check into that this afternoon.

He has now officially blown through our entire tax-refund; every penny was spent on what he wanted during the affair/our physical separation ... and now on getting out from under OW.

It makes me irate. But I keep reminding myself to keep my eyes on the prize.

And then, I think: Prize? Am I SURE there's a prize here?

I'm just being brutally honest.

I am paralyzed at times with fear and hesitation and confusion. H senses it. He told me the other day he's scared sh!tless. He doesn't feel 100 percent commitment from me. And I *know* there's a reason for that. I mean, even as early as my very first post here after BD, I was questioning whether he was a quality person ... whether maybe I should just cut my losses and move on. As a friend says: "The only thing harder than moving past your H's betrayal ... is moving past ANOTHER one."

I've never felt more torn and confused about anything in my entire life.

The motivating thought/fear behind my confusion is: He's going to do this again. It doesn't matter what I do. We will slip back into our old pattern. And he'll do this again.

I mean, our relationship before wasn't all THAT bad. We've identified what we believe was the breakdown (brace yourself because it's not like ANY other problem in ANY other relationship out there ... *note sarcasm): Lack of affection, intimacy and sex.

But is it really that easy? THAT simple?

I'm just so afraid that it won't matter. I don't trust him. I don't trust my own judgment right now. I just can't seem to make myself trust ANYTHING right now.

He told me the other day that he can see a huge difference in me this time compared to when he came back last time. But he keeps assuring me that HE feels differently partly BECAUSE of that. He LITERALLY said, "Last time, you worked with me and fixed everything. This time, you're making me handle my own mess." I've also told him, in no uncertain terms, that another affair is a deal-breaker for me. No questions asked. One more time, and I'm done.

I just don't remember the last time being this hard. All I wanted was HIM. That's it. But even then, our relationship was awesome for the first three or four years. Then everything went to he!l. Financial burdens mounted, H's income decreased. That's when he had to get a second job.

And we're stuck in that right now, for at least another year while we wait on D16 to graduate. BUT, H and I are working together on ways to balance everything. He says he can work his second-shift job four evenings a week (one or two of which I'll spend at the shop with him, which he LOVES for me to do now - it visibly lifts his spirits and motivates him for me to be there ... quite interesting to watch, actually). That will give him one evening a week at home with the kids and me. We will devote Saturdays to house/yard work and maintenance, which he hasn't had time to do in at least a year, and we'll wrap up Saturdays with date night for the two of us. And then, he'll take Sunday mornings to go ride his bike. And then we'll have a family evening on Sunday.

We're trying to work on "intimate conversation." It is SO foreign. We only ever talk about kids and work. Stressful things.

HS, you said the other day:
Trust takes a long to to rebuild. He must earn your trust little pieces, and sometimes big chunks, at a time.
I learned this first-hand the other day. Re: H hearing from his XGF, after I lost my cool about it, H didn't mention a thing about her for a few days. Then all a sudden, I got a text from H, saying: "I'm learning so much about how affairs start and literally wreck a family in four short months." He said I had been right: His XGF - who is engaged to be married - had continued messaging him, even while he ignored her, finally asking, "Just out of curiosity, why did you look me up and contact me?" And when he didn't respond to that, she sent three photos of the two of them from when they were together in the early 2000s. She told H that her DD had "just" found them in a closet.

That's all it took. H - without even telling me (until afterward) - sent her a message that said essentially: "I contacted you when I was away from my wife. You didn't respond until I was back home. I was wrong in replying to you last week and mentioning anything about my marriage or delving into the issues you and I had in the past. What's done is done. It was disrespectful to my wife and family, and I'm happily back with them now. I don't want us to communicate or have any sort of emotional connection. I wish you all the best."

I was quite floored. But I just thanked H and told him I expect that my trust in him (at least as much as possible) will be restored, little by little, over time. But I need him to be ALL mine ... and very consistent in his actions, as he was with his XGF.

I know he's trying very hard. I *see* it. Just the other day, H and I had a bonfire and burned all his bedding from the A because it hurt me to look at it. I'm also watching as he struggles with seeing me not being as enthusiastically willing to commit to HIM. Don't get me wrong: I'm definitely cleaning up my side of the street and taking steps toward him. But I'm always so "in my head," and my doubt and confusion can be read on my face sometimes.

H said the other day: "I'm willing to deal with any questions you have and answer them. I'm willing to deal with you lashing out right now. I know that's where you are right now, and I can handle it. But one day, I'm going to ask that you read every text and e-mail that you need to read and then delete it. I'm going to ask that you move forward with me."

Pretty much at that moment, I thought of what HS said about getting all the details about the A out in the open, dealing with it, quietly wrestling with it, then letting it go. And I decided I'm *just* about there. I'm trying to decide if H and I should have one BIG conversation about the A, instead of talking about it little-by-little, as we have been doing. At first, I thought that's how I *needed* to handle it: in small doses. I'm not a person who needs the details. But I'll think of things here and there that I'd like to know. That's when H and I will talk about it. And he's been VERY open ... sometimes TOO open.

But now, I'm almost ready to put it all behind me. So I think - and I've told H as much - we need to have a talk, one in which (as HS said) I don't get mad. I just ask questions and listen. And then, let it all go. I think I'm ready for that now.

Oh, and HS, H doesn't read. EVER. I mentioned downloading HNHN (if it's available on audiobook) on his iPod the other day so maybe he could listen to it at work. He said that would be perfectly fine, but he's concerned that he wouldn't be able to pay full attention to it. He asked how long the book is, so hopefully he'll make time to read/listen to it soon. In the meantime, I'm reading sections of it to him as I can.