Newbie - bf suddenly left after 9 years

[Italian]

Thank you so much guys. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me advice. Thank you so much for taking the time and making the effort to help me and the others, it's really wonderful of you and you're really doing us a world of good!

25yearsmlc I noticed you just passed 10'000 posts... I've been reading a lot of your posts in other people's threads and I have been digesting your advice. It's hard to untangle myself from the situation and detach, but I know I have to do it, hopefully one step at a time I will succeed.

- re: the guilt. The temptation to get angry and try to make him feel horrible about what he's done is so strong sometimes, but I'm resisting. It doesn't help anyone. I managed to hold back at the BD and the phone calls that followed, I was as level headed as I could and told him I just want him to be happy and that if it means I have to step back, or he's happier with OW, or whatever, then it's fine. And I left it at that. It's a good way to exit the scene, whether it's forever or for a while, so everytime I feel the need to get angry or guilt him, I pour it out here on the forum instead. I don't want him to see me like that, and I doubt it would make me feel better anyway. I think about it less and less, and I know I'll have relapses, but I'm determined to stay strong and move on!

- his family. Yes, we have reassured them there's no hard feelings between us, that they have nothing to be ashamed of - but I understand them, in their place I would probably feel the same. I was in touch with his dad and mom when it happened, but now I'm taking a break from them as well, because it's just too painful. Maybe when I've detached a bit more I'll be able to maintain a R with them more serenely, but at this point in time it wouldn't do me any good.

- I understand part of me wants to keep focusing on him because that way I don't have to focus on myself, because that's where the hard part lies! That needs to stop.

My issue is that I feel scared because now my future is once again all up in the air and I don't know what I want to do. I don't even know where I want to live. I was done with London and happy to be home settling down, and now that that's not an option anymore, I don't know if I can get back to wanting to go to London alone and focusing on my PhD and a potential teaching career. I had finally moved on to wanting what I thought he wanted all along, and now... I need to understand what future I want for myself. I'm having trouble seeing that at the moment. I'm trying to take it one day at a time without forcing myself to make big life-altering decisions while I'm so confused, hopefully I will gain some clarity with time.

My main GAL for the moment was coming to Wales to stay with this friend of mine and going around exploring the place, but right after I arrived his mother had that terrible accident, so now I'm mostly focusing on him and what I can do to help... which once again gives me an excuse not to work on myself, I guess. I think I might stay here a while longer and the both of us will GAL together, because he needs it too, now.

Right now, I have 10 days to finish a novel I need to hand in to my publisher, so that's my main focus and concert until June 1st.

I'm not sure I can make long term plans like a course in something because I have no clue where I will be in a month's time, but some small goals I'm setting for myself (some very small... one day at a time...) for this week are:

- sign up for the local gym to use the facilities but mostly the swimming pool
- related to that: purchase bathing suit, protection for hair, pamper myself a bit and wax. Also buy a nice nail varnish and have a manicure because YES!
- go visit the beaches nearby
- go visit Pembroke castle
- make an appointment with local GP to get a STD test, because I don't know what Ex did before asking for the break and I want to protect myself
- hang out with the lovely Breton lady that owns the café and bakery nearby. She has asked me if I would like a job there if I decide to stay for the summer, and if that's the case, I'd love to have them teach me how to bake bread
- keep taking care of the house to help my friend out - groceries, cleaning, laundry, making sure he eats properly
- buy clothes for a wedding where I'll be a bridesmaid at the end of June, and help organise the hen do for June 8th

Once I have decided where I will be over the summer, I want to sign up for some courses, some long-term activities. I need to check out what's available in the place, but I'd like to take singing lessons and a self-defense class.

And also, I had set aside a semester in Spain to stay in Italy with Ex, so now I'm in touch with my tutor to set that back up. I have several close friends in Madrid and it would be wonderful to spend a semester there improving my Spanish.