4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[Georgiabelle]

I feel much better today. Just cycling thru feelings of anger and embarrassment. Anger is an emotion I struggle with as I am generally rather happy. However, I know I must feel it, accept it and work through it. Embarrassment? Meh. More on that shortly.

Few things....I spoke with the older kids's therapist yesterday after 5 weeks of her meeting with them only. She said both kids says the exact same thing in different ways about their dad. S11 of course loves his dad and has essentially written him off. D 9 is extremely angry at her dad and understandably so as he treats them poorly. She said some of the things D9 said are so heartbreaking and distressing that she would need her permission to tell me. I said I want her to be in a safe place so please don't ask her unless absolutely necessary. She said the reason why D9 won't tell me certain things is that " she doesn't want to make me feel bad about the person I married" and that she doesn't say stuff to her Nana "because she doesn't want to disrespect Nana by talking badly about her son." S11 seems to be doing well and hopefully D9 is working through some of her feelings.
She said the kids tell her he never laughs or smiles. I did smile and say, " Yes, he told us he's on the path to happiness." She also said what idiot tells his kids once he's happy, they will be happy too. I just smiled and nodded. She asked if it was that obvious that h only interacts with s4. Yes. It's very obvious as that relationship requires less work. The therapist also told me that my kids have such love and admiration for me. That made me cry too. Tears of gratitude. I am so lucky and fortunate to have them.


I did check Twitter last night. I think the universe wanted me to see something. H's gf tweeted that she thinks her bf is having a midlife crisis. Several people chimed in with " that's been obvious for months." H did not chime in because last time they said that he said they were wrong. He did however say he had thrown his life away and was finally taking it back. Then the commenters laughed about his behavior. Sorry. I know it's funny to a bunch of 20 something's who have never been married but on this side of the fence I have 3 kids who aren't laughing at him. I have laughed sometimes , if only for the absurdity of things. Overall, this bomb in our lives has been anything but funny. I then promptly deleted my account. I need to see no more. Happy to do that.

S11 has a severe learning disability. He received his first ever academic achievement award yesterday. I was so thrilled for him that I cried. When he told h this am he won, h said "uh huh."

So, yes. I struggle with embarrassment. My own daughter doesn't want me to feel bad about my choosing their dad. I felt horrible for s11 this morning as his dad totally dismissed his achievement. I'm not surprised.

Lawn guy told me last night that S11 was such a polite and helpful young man. He helped him with some of the yard work. I think I'm doing a good job with these little peeps. They are such a joy to watch.

We have a bird' a nest in a trellis in our yard. We were looking in the nest at the babies and eggs. A simple delight for all. Walked around in the yard barefoot yesterday and talked to the elderly man across the street walking his dog. He , too, told me that I had 3 funny, polite kids. Think God and or the universe is talking to me again.

S11 is going with his Uncle to the beach this weekend. I'm hanging with the other 2 and we will go to a couple of museums. Getting there. I am.