Face your fears man! Don't build them into big fears, eventually they will come true. All you need to behave strong and act on strengths of your relationship. Your strength is SHE SAYS SHE LOVES YOU. It needs lots of patience to nurture it. Love fights with you, abandons you sometimes, comes back to you, goes away from you. The only thing which stays strong is YOU. Most important thing is , in suggesting counselling to her you may end up seeking counselling for yourself. Just stick to your routine. Do all the things you love doing. I know its hard. But be strong. If it's true, love will always find its way.
Personally I don't really see where MCing is going to be fruitful in your wife's current wayward state.
Very true, and the key word here is "wayward". You might bust the A, but a wayward W is a harder to nut to crack.
Zew, these single women who have been M & D a couple of times seem to be the role model your W has chosen. Instead of focusing on being a W and mother, she wants to acts single. When they are out for drinks, I'm sure flirting is encouraged. They feed off each other.
Not that a WAW doesn't generate enough of her own wayward fuel, but this posse of hers seems to be like poison to working things out anytime soon.
Well, you certainly have a big problem. She's not in a great love affair with the OM, b/c she's too quick to replace him with the possibility of a new man. That spells out things pretty plain. She just wants to kick up her heels. And if she has a history of taking no responsibility for her actions, then trying to force her to do it now...may be a losing battle.
Without some serious loss, or some type of crises in her life, it may go on like this for a long time.
I agree with Starsky about MC not helping at this point. If her attitude was different and she wasn't already back out there looking for a new affair partner, it could be at least hopeful. I was hoping you had left out a lot of conversation from that Friday, and maybe she had a change of heart....but it sure doesn't sound like that's what happened.
How did things end over the bedroom battle? Last I heard, you two were having a race over shifting clothes around.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - I did leave out a bunch of the bedroom battle. That's a story for another day. Net bottom line is the commitment to go to MC, and an agreement to be civil to each other.
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Well, you certainly have a big problem. She's not in a great love affair with the OM, b/c she's too quick to replace him with the possibility of a new man. That spells out things pretty plain. She just wants to kick up her heels. And if she has a history of taking no responsibility for her actions, then trying to force her to do it now...may be a losing battle.
Good point... her willingness to move on so quickly does make these A's sound pretty superficial.
One of our common friends told me that W told her that the A wasn't about the sex, it was about having someone listen to her. Hard for me to address that, since W doesn't want to spend any time with me. I have reached out, went to sit with her one evening as she was hiding out in bedroom. We watched some TV together, said virtually nothing until she fell asleep a few minutes later. (at 7PM)
Again, this is a complaint of W's - that we never go out and have fun. Easily remedied, I think, but she won't have anything to do with me. Something I think that MC might achieve is to have her face this paradox. Someone other than me has to point out the circular logic and break the cycle. Until then, the posse goes out and whoops it up.
I had really hoped that ending A would have cleared her mind some, but she has these friends that keep pushing her on to the next situation. And if she delves into this OM2, she'll be right back in the fog. (She is already.)
She certainly has a history of financial irresponsibility.
She's had some pro-M friends, my MIL, SIL really weigh in with her over the last two weeks since the A-outing. But it looks like the local A-pushers are winning.
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Zew, these single women who have been M & D a couple of times seem to be the role model your W has chosen.
Yup, they keep telling her it's OK. You'll get the house. The kids will be fine. He'll have them on weekends, so you can come and hang out with us. Of course they have careers to pay for things, and W is just starting and hasn't made dime one.
Man this is hideous. So hard to watch someone you love just self destruct and take the whole family with them. W's sister is bipolar and is convinced W needs to see a real doctor, not her T. W used to talk to her S for at least a half hour a day; now, not at all.
The MC is kind of my last hope at anything maybe getting to her. I realize the risk of going to MC. I'm not entirely sure that she won't listen to MC. She has offered twice now, and I don't think her offer is totally bogus. Granted, it's a weak offer, not an all in offer. I'd like to think that she has doubts about MC/me, but she's had so many people she trusts tell her in the last 2 weeks to try MC that she may genuinely listen. And she has been going to T for last year, and that has helped her some, so she has some faith in the whole therapy thing.
I guess I'm saying that I really don't think she's going just to get someone to agree with her that M can't be reconciled. Could be just my wishful thinking that she's actually looking for a rescue, and getting her to a place where she can dump it all out with a moderator to keep us in line might do that for her.
That says it all. You don't need to say or do anything to confirm you know about text. Start practicing Sandi's list. Your wife is being rebellious in your R & M. Totally acting out for attention. Did I miss something that is missing in your R that would drive her to this behavior? She hasn't left yet, so why? Maybe do a 180 and tell her you no longer want to do MC. (It won't work if she's being deceptive searching for an OM). Get a DBing coach asap. Obviously, she doesn't want to stop her search for some OM. My xH carried on an EA & PA for 1/2 year while we had MC. It did help me in the long run though, so maybe you need it for yourself.
Because she knows what child support $ is, and she can't afford to leave. She has no source of income other than me. And she's been coached enough never to leave the house. She wants to stick around until she can afford to be a single mom.
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something that is missing in your R that would drive her to this behavior?
I spend too much time on computer. (Fixed that. spend all time with kids now.) I'm too serious. (I'm the responsible one who keeps cleaning up her messes and financing her overspending.) We don't go out enough. (Can't 180 that now.) Not enough romance. (Can't 180 that now.) I do my own laundry, vacuum the house, load/unload dishwasher, cook on weekends, but I don't dust. (dead serious) I treat her like a child and won't give her access to my bank account. (what's to be said)
