So last night was actually fairly pleasant. He got in from his trip and was dropped off at his car, which was at the office, and it was dead. So he had to call and ask me to come get him, which I did.
He kissed the kids good night and then I offered him a beer. He was glad to take it and sat down and seemed to (fractionally) relax. So we just spent some time talking about how the week had gone, books we'd been reading, shows we were watching. This was pleasant and he relaxed a fraction more.
There was almost no relationship talk. He started to and I stopped and asked him if it was important to him that we talk about that and he said no. I said I was burnt out on trying to process through everything that had happened, that it was not productive at this time, and that really we needed to just be in a place where we could speak pleasantly to each other since at a minimum we were going to have to co-parent for the next 15 years. He relaxed another fraction and agreed.
There were a few serious things we had to communicate to each other.
Apartments in town are almost all 1-year leases. He seemed apologetic about that (this isn't mind-reading, I just know him well). In a text a couple of days ago he was worried about the expense of a 2BR vs. a 3BR, because "this is our money." We have three kids, so I don't know what his thoughts are about this.
He doesn't want to plunder the house for furniture at all, but seems to have no clue how he's going to furnish it. He has only thought of 1 bed, for himself; but as I say, we have THREE kids. This should be interesting. I do not intend to help him at all.
He was anxious that I not spend a ton of money on lawyers. This seems insane to me. He is an executive, we are fairly well off, though we've moved so frequently that our finances are relatively simple all things considered. In some ways it's like this is all so unreal to him that he can't fathom that lawyers are even called for. (Is someone going to call me out for mind-reading?) He says he's not ready to consider divorce yet, which is why I'm working hard to just make our interactions for the time being pleasant and light. Anymore weight will just break him in two; nor will it help my state of mind.
I've decided to ignore the "friendship" with the OW. She's in another country and he won't be going back there for the foreseeable future. She can't come here because of her daughter. She is in no position to provide him with anything more than conversation, and apparently she turned him down for sex the last time he was there. This won't go away by my pitching a fit about it. I don't think this is feeding him cake, but if anyone has other views I certainly welcome them.
I told him I wasn't going to leave the house this weekend. I said there was no way I was going to drop a bomb like that on the kids and then disappear for the weekend. He is not happy about it -- objected to staying in the guest room on the grounds that it would be confusing for them. I held my position.
I think my guy has lost his mind. He's working WAY too hard, he's trying to keep a lot of plates up in the air and has been adding to them by planning a new household for himself, and he's ADD (not treated). He's losing his hair and has been worrying about that a lot, almost every day. I am worried about him.
OK, so worrying about him is not detaching. Today I feel OK. I feel like I have a handle on what the next year is going to be like (though I don't know the outcome, but I am managing my responsibilities all right and I know whatever comes is within my range of abilities), so I feel like for today I can worry about him coming to pieces without feeling like it's making me come to pieces. I couldn't do that a week ago.
How do you all write such short posts? I feel like I'm writing novels every time I show up here. But thanks for providing this space and some feedback, it really helps.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
