Wife doesn't feel it... (Part 2)

[Corbean]

25, No I need and appreciate the bluntness, I'm going to attempt to respond to everything above honestly and accurately.

I have seen a lawyer, and according to her, in the state of IL they cannot file a temporary custody agreement without also filing for dissolution. That's the course I am taking, because I do not want my children in that environment anymore. This was filed yesterday and I go back today to sign everything and develop a plan.

She has let me see the kids, only every other weekend. The problem is that she moved 5 hours away across state lines and decided to stay against our agreement that she would return after two weeks. She hasn't stopped me from having them every other weekend, but she wanted me to take our D so that she wouldn't have to take care of her and could in her own words, "get a break." I never did agree to her staying there and keeping both the children. I asked her to return and she absolutely refused. I was never a bad father, it was more in expecting her to take care of things, I.E. cooking dinner for them, and stuff. I always helped changing diapers, giving baths. Her main issue with me as a dad was that when I came home from work and they were excited to see me that I would want to "unwind" and get on my IPad for an hour or so. I always played with my children and even taught my son his ABC's and he only recently turned 2. I read them bedtime stories every night and always showered them with love. Where she got frustrated was that when the kids would take a nap I would want to get on my PC and play video games, and after they were in bed I would do the same. I admit this is a huge fault and I'll get to what I'm doing to improve myself a bit later. Her biggest issue with me was always that would either be reading on my IPad or doing something else when the kids were up and about, and having way to high expectations of her because she was a stay at home mom. A very skewed perception I had was that the stay at home mom takes care of the homefront bc I'm the provider. She complained that I simply did not help her very much at all around the house, which is a true statement. And another of her major complaints about me is that she said that I wanted her to put me before the kids. Which isn't true, but I was feeling very unloved and gave her that perception I guess.

My mentor is not a lawyer, he is an older man from my church. He is there a my spiritual counselor and guide in my growth in learning the Word and God's will. Our conversations are mainly when I have unrest at heart about an issue and I'm not sure what God's will is in my decision making. I'll be honest with the moral issue's I was having that I consulted him on. I asked him at what point does trusting God's plan turn to passivity. He broke it down for me very clearly, and I'm still very new in my walk with God and have insecurities in if I'm trusting God's will or forcing my will. He has been a very solid counselor in that aspect and has kept me on track.

Also, he is helping me learn how to be an authentic man. My mother left my family when I was 2 years old, and I have never met her. My dad was an alcoholic, and drug abuser who wasn't active in my life. I never had clear direction in my life on how to treat a wife or how to be a man. He is walking me through a wonderful program on "How to be an Authentic Man." It is based in scripture and is being very helpful. So far I have learn the definition, but I am still unpacking old baggage. If anyone is interested the definition of an authentic man according to God's word is:

- Rejects passivity
- Accepts responsibility
- Leads courageously
- Invests eternally

This is helping me immensly and though it is a year long walk, the goal isn't to just fix my issues, it's to get me to the point that I can in turn mentor someone myself.

As stated above, I did consult a lawyer and in order to get my children back in the local area I did have to file.

I do think she needs reality therapy, but she's not receiving any from anyone. None of her family approves of her actions, but in their own words, they are too afraid to say anything because she might get mad and not talk to them. My goal isn't to punish her or bring her to her senses, my goal is to ensure that I can be there for my children and make sure they are taken care of despite what she's doing.

I know for a fact that she is in a full relationship with the OM. I know this because she has admitted it, they have posted pictures on facebook together, and he called me to tell that she was his now and I needed to get over her. I learned what I know of this guy from her sister and dad. I also, know that she does stay at his house because she admitted as much to me, however, I do not know if she is taking the children there.

As for personal changes, in addition to the above; I am also getting IC once a week to address my insecurities and understand why I sometimes behave the way I do and what I can do to correct them.

I have quit playing video games completely, and porn also. As for the porn thing, she doesn't know that I was looking at it still after she left. It was something that I hid. I am not proud of it, and have come to realize how wrong it was. To ensure I stay the course with my changes here, I have friends that I am accountable to, as well as my mentor. I have sold my home PC, and my gaming consoles. If I develop hobbies in the future they will be constructive hobbies that I can control.

I am doing right by my kids, the only thing holding me back was that I had to file something in order to do that.

I did let her control my feelings for a very long time and in the process lost all of my confidence and ability to stand up for myself. Every time something didn't go her way she would threaten me with leaving or divorcing me. So I always caved because I didn't want to lose her. This is the same thing she does to her family, by refusing to talk to them if they don't let her do what she wants. It's not my job to fix her, but this did affect me very strongly.

On to post #2