Wife doesn't feel it... (Part 2)

[Corbean]

And honestly, when she left it was for two weeks to figure out what she wanted then we had agreed she would come home so we could figure stuff out. We'll she met the OM and said yeah I'm not coming back, I'll give you the kids every other weekend. So she basically did it to me.

[Corbean]

And honestly let me tell you the moral dilemma I'm having.

At what point does DB'ing take priority over my children? To me they are more important at this point.

Currently, they are sleeping in play pens, my daughter isn't receiving care or therapy, my wife is staying at her boyfriends house almost every night and leaving the kids at her mom's house. Unless she has moved them to his house which I don't know. They are spending 80% of their time around this guy per my wife's admission and she doesn't see an issue with it, her sister confirmed that he smokes pot, smokes cigarettes, and drinks so much that my wife wants him to go to AA. The house they are staying at, if her mom's house, is very old and not very clean.

To me, ensuring they have a stable healthy living environment and that my daughter is getting her medical care takes priority to me over walking on eggshells for my wife in hopes of winning her back. I think my only hope for ever getting her back now is that after all the rage subsides, she admires me for being a stand up father and wanting to take responsibility for my children. Because I want to be involved in a major part of their lives, not just a minor role.

[Corbean]

Not to mention her staying with her mom was supposed to be temporary until she came back after two weeks to figure out situation out, and the only reason I even semi agreed to let her have more time was because she said that she would make every effort to get a job, a car, and an apartment. Which as discussed earlier she has zero motivation to do, because she is a "procrastinator."

[Corbean]

I guess I have to admit that having a PA/EA may have been more unforgivable to me than I could originally admit to myself.

[25yearsmlc]

And honestly let me tell you the moral dilemma I'm having.

At what point does DB'ing take priority over my children? To me they are more important at this point.

It's not a contest between the two. Having children is a huge reason FOR DBing... they are not exclusive of each other. What is stopping you from doing what is best for your kids? Isn't a reconciliation the best thing?

OR.... What? What is the moral dilemma to which you refer?

Currently, they are sleeping in play pens, my daughter isn't receiving care or therapy, my wife is staying at her boyfriends house almost every night and leaving the kids at her mom's house.

What are YOU doing about your kids care? Not what you are saying, but what are you doing, for them?


Unless she has moved them to his house which I don't know. They are spending 80% of their time around this guy per my wife's admission and she doesn't see an issue with it, her sister confirmed that he smokes pot, smokes cigarettes, and drinks so much that my wife wants him to go to AA. The house they are staying at, if her mom's house, is very old and not very clean.

is this all what your SIL is telling you or that you "know"? And if you believe he is a danger to your kids welfare, then DO something about it. Start by talking to your w about their welfare without making your w "wrong", and see if you two can agree on some changes....or boundaries.

And if she cannot or will not, then do what needs to be done.


To me, ensuring they have a stable healthy living environment and that my daughter is getting her medical care takes priority to me over walking on eggshells for my wife in hopes of winning her back.

False choice, imo. You being the best father and man you can be, is the best thing for your daughter AND your marriage. You may only help one of those, but you still have the same course of action.

What exactly is your dilemma? What would you DO differently? What specifically, is stopping you?



I think my only hope for ever getting her back now is that after all the rage subsides, she admires me for being a stand up father and wanting to take responsibility for my children.

Take responsibility for your kids b/c they ARE your responsibility. NO more talking about it or 'wanting' to take responsibility for it. Do it. Show up. Be there.
What does the idea of PA/EA with OM have to do with your concerns about your kids? I mean, if he were a "great guy", would that change anything?
If so, what?


Because I want to be involved in a major part of their lives, not just a minor role.

It's your job to be a major part of their lives. It's not a grand or heroic trait, it's just a reality. So what or who is stopping you from being a major part of their lives?

[Corbean]

Well currently she is. I've asked her if I could take the kids for a while so she could get established there and then we could work something out and she refuses. She says I can have our special needs D but I can't have our son.

I called my mentor and really hashed out all of my issues and he gave me some great unbiased advice and I now have peace that I am doing the right thing by my children. To me that is what matters.

Thank you for telling me like it is.

[Ggrass]

Me , If what you have said re drugs and how she's looking a after the kids, I would go in all guns blazing. Do what they need, blow her if she's exposing them to drugs to me that is a deal breaker. I won't tolerate it no way no how my choice, due to being put at risk by a drug taking bf when I was 19!

Kids cannot make their own choices, you need to Instill morals on drugs etc.

[25yearsmlc]

Well currently she is. I've asked her if I could take the kids


If these kids are both yours, see a lawyer and stop "asking IF" you can see your own children. She has no legal or moral right to keep them from you and really whatever you believe you are "gaining" by not stepping up to the plate for them, is lost by putting them at risk...and frankly, SHE is not the goal. Being the best man is your goal, correct?

Good men don't let their kids be put at risk so they can keep the peace with their wives...but this assumes your take on things, is accurate & fair.

for a while so she could get established there and then we could work something out and she refuses. She says I can have our special needs D but I can't have our son.

"she says"....uh, so what? Kind of strange sounding to me. I mean, she's not rushing home to you, so what you are doing, has not worked anyhow. I don't care if she's in an EA or a PA (if they are living together, it's a PA. Period. Don't fool yourself and btw, I do NOT consider it an automatic deal breaker. I'm just being real. So don't misinterpret that comment...but I don't see what difference that makes, compared to the risk you claim your children are put at AND EVEN IF that is not true OR IS

what the heck is the reason you don't see BOTH your kids? That's weird sounding. What kind of dad were you? I'm being extra blunt b/c I have NEVER before seen a parent willing to part with one of the kids but not the other, let alone allowing you to care for the special needs one, but not the healthier, possibly easier one...

Why would you agree to that?

I called my mentor and really hashed out all of my issues and he gave me some great unbiased advice and I now have peace that I am doing the right thing by my children. To me that is what matters.

Thank you for telling me like it is.

I'm very direct but I hope it's not too blunt. Then again, I'm in a bit of a rush and this is LONG....

So, is your mentor a lawyer? Have you at least consulted one? Some couples divorce and remarry their exes, (I have 2 family members who did and I believe about 15% of couples do that).

Consulting a lawyer does not require you to file, or DO anything, or even to tell your wife. (But frankly, I cannot see how her knowing that would hurt you.)

If you are telling us the whole story, she needs some reality therapy...Not from you, but from her own L or someone who knows how many rights you actually have. Right now you are giving her the illusion that a divorce or sep means she can do whatever she wants. That's not realistic. I am NOT suggesting you be the messenger of doom or ever get punitive.

It's not your job to show the consequences of divorce to her b/c life does that. (And it is almost always a punitive action even if you don't believe it it)

but it's also Not your job to enable her to pretend that there are no consequences, and it's NOT your job to let her determine IF you see WHICH of YOUR kids,

and or to allow her to live with OM and expose the kids to whatever...

but I'm still not clear on what facts you "know" and what you fear. Be clear with that.

What would your wife's main complaints be, if SHE were here talking...? And what of those flaws she claims, would you like to work on? What are you doing about those changes?

Also, do right by your kids. That's got to be THE Goal for you. You do right by them, and behave with strength and honor towards her and them, and know that ultimately you will have far fewer regrets.

Sometimes having few regrets b/c we "did right by our kids", is all we (LBSers) can do and hope for. And sometimes, it has to be enough.

Before you exclaim "but its 's unfair!",

know that the peace you gain by truly doing right by the kids, & never being vindictive to your wife, is something you'll always have to treasure. I doubt your w will have that...

but of course, HER reactions/thoughts/feelings are NOT an index for yours.

If she "seems so happy", that does not equate to you "being so miserable"

just as if the car she is driving gets a flat tire, it does not generate a new car for you, and so too, your happiness is NOT related to hers. (And It never was)...there is NO connection between her happiness or misery, being the cause of yours...we are responsible for our own happiness and in truth we always were. We blame others but that's wrong and it's so common...it's probably part of what your w is doing, (blaming you for her unhappiness).

Be in charge of your life and that includes being the father your children deserve.

FWIW< as a woman/mom, I can say one thing for sure.

No woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of a father with their children...for many of us it is an emotional turn on. And for some, that itself is enough to keep a woman in a marriage.

Give them/her your best self, your best fathering, being genuine about it, and then,

turn it all over to God, let HIM handle things, let the cards fall where they fall,

and hold your head high, at peace.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

I read your earlier posts. I have 2 competing thoughts...

FIRST, you are moving WAY TOO FAST to expect any change in this situation soon. You have not even been at this one month! Good grief...

WTH? Are you this impatient in your real life? My h was gone off and on, (mostly off,) for TWO YEARS...So, you need to readjust your time frame so it's realistic...sheesh.

Second,

Sounds from your own hints, (b/c you are not detailed when it comes to your flaws one the time for DIGGING DEEPER is flying by...) that you abdicated parenting to her so you could do your hobbies...which is self centered at best.

You have two kids -one who has special needs but you said "Undiagnosed"???

and I believe you have a sahm wife, who cannot work full time and feel okay as a mother, (I speak from experience and I'm a L with an interesting career but our younger has some issues now, and I'm HOME b/c I need to be)

...and if my h had a problem with that, or made financial comments like HE was "doing all the work", I'd be resentful AND OR I"d feel pretty lousy about my life...

So she did not feel like your priority and from your own words, she wasn't...YOU also had a warning when she left you before after you were watching porn (that is adding insult to injury when a woman is bearing the brunt of childcare and then haws a husband who has "hobbies" that are more interesting than she is, or her life or the kids and does not arrive home to give her a break with the kids or making dinner, but still makes it all about him ....the porn would have been a real slap in the face to me.

So, What's different now? No more porn? That's not enough, as you know.


See, the thing is, NO WAS returns to the marriage,

unless they believe that

the marriage can be better/different than before.


So what are you DOING that shows change in YOU? (not her, YOU).

All I hear from you is about her and what "She lets" you do and a OM or a PA, and her misdeeds...but she left home b/c she felt neglected and ignored and felt like a single parent partly b/c of your hobbies....

. I hear very little about your personal work, which you have got to do. I bet a big reason she determines when you see which child, is b/c you have NO history of being a great involved dad...and that's on you, not her. Do the "math".

consistent change + sufficient time = change SHE can believe in.

Make sense?

[Corbean]

25, No I need and appreciate the bluntness, I'm going to attempt to respond to everything above honestly and accurately.

I have seen a lawyer, and according to her, in the state of IL they cannot file a temporary custody agreement without also filing for dissolution. That's the course I am taking, because I do not want my children in that environment anymore. This was filed yesterday and I go back today to sign everything and develop a plan.

She has let me see the kids, only every other weekend. The problem is that she moved 5 hours away across state lines and decided to stay against our agreement that she would return after two weeks. She hasn't stopped me from having them every other weekend, but she wanted me to take our D so that she wouldn't have to take care of her and could in her own words, "get a break." I never did agree to her staying there and keeping both the children. I asked her to return and she absolutely refused. I was never a bad father, it was more in expecting her to take care of things, I.E. cooking dinner for them, and stuff. I always helped changing diapers, giving baths. Her main issue with me as a dad was that when I came home from work and they were excited to see me that I would want to "unwind" and get on my IPad for an hour or so. I always played with my children and even taught my son his ABC's and he only recently turned 2. I read them bedtime stories every night and always showered them with love. Where she got frustrated was that when the kids would take a nap I would want to get on my PC and play video games, and after they were in bed I would do the same. I admit this is a huge fault and I'll get to what I'm doing to improve myself a bit later. Her biggest issue with me was always that would either be reading on my IPad or doing something else when the kids were up and about, and having way to high expectations of her because she was a stay at home mom. A very skewed perception I had was that the stay at home mom takes care of the homefront bc I'm the provider. She complained that I simply did not help her very much at all around the house, which is a true statement. And another of her major complaints about me is that she said that I wanted her to put me before the kids. Which isn't true, but I was feeling very unloved and gave her that perception I guess.

My mentor is not a lawyer, he is an older man from my church. He is there a my spiritual counselor and guide in my growth in learning the Word and God's will. Our conversations are mainly when I have unrest at heart about an issue and I'm not sure what God's will is in my decision making. I'll be honest with the moral issue's I was having that I consulted him on. I asked him at what point does trusting God's plan turn to passivity. He broke it down for me very clearly, and I'm still very new in my walk with God and have insecurities in if I'm trusting God's will or forcing my will. He has been a very solid counselor in that aspect and has kept me on track.

Also, he is helping me learn how to be an authentic man. My mother left my family when I was 2 years old, and I have never met her. My dad was an alcoholic, and drug abuser who wasn't active in my life. I never had clear direction in my life on how to treat a wife or how to be a man. He is walking me through a wonderful program on "How to be an Authentic Man." It is based in scripture and is being very helpful. So far I have learn the definition, but I am still unpacking old baggage. If anyone is interested the definition of an authentic man according to God's word is:

- Rejects passivity
- Accepts responsibility
- Leads courageously
- Invests eternally

This is helping me immensly and though it is a year long walk, the goal isn't to just fix my issues, it's to get me to the point that I can in turn mentor someone myself.

As stated above, I did consult a lawyer and in order to get my children back in the local area I did have to file.

I do think she needs reality therapy, but she's not receiving any from anyone. None of her family approves of her actions, but in their own words, they are too afraid to say anything because she might get mad and not talk to them. My goal isn't to punish her or bring her to her senses, my goal is to ensure that I can be there for my children and make sure they are taken care of despite what she's doing.

I know for a fact that she is in a full relationship with the OM. I know this because she has admitted it, they have posted pictures on facebook together, and he called me to tell that she was his now and I needed to get over her. I learned what I know of this guy from her sister and dad. I also, know that she does stay at his house because she admitted as much to me, however, I do not know if she is taking the children there.

As for personal changes, in addition to the above; I am also getting IC once a week to address my insecurities and understand why I sometimes behave the way I do and what I can do to correct them.

I have quit playing video games completely, and porn also. As for the porn thing, she doesn't know that I was looking at it still after she left. It was something that I hid. I am not proud of it, and have come to realize how wrong it was. To ensure I stay the course with my changes here, I have friends that I am accountable to, as well as my mentor. I have sold my home PC, and my gaming consoles. If I develop hobbies in the future they will be constructive hobbies that I can control.

I am doing right by my kids, the only thing holding me back was that I had to file something in order to do that.

I did let her control my feelings for a very long time and in the process lost all of my confidence and ability to stand up for myself. Every time something didn't go her way she would threaten me with leaving or divorcing me. So I always caved because I didn't want to lose her. This is the same thing she does to her family, by refusing to talk to them if they don't let her do what she wants. It's not my job to fix her, but this did affect me very strongly.

On to post #2