Keep on asking questions...that is the first step in the right direction.
Originally Posted By: Matt165
I keep hearing I should detach and to me detach means just that, not getting pulled into allowing her to stop me from living my own life because she won't do her part (like my having to not go out and work out after work because she "can't" make it home in time to get either daughter or feed them). It means not allowing what she says or does get under my skin. Up until now, when she texts asking me to do that kind of thing, I have always done it. I have dropped my plans and gone and taken care of whatever it was she needed from me.
Detachment is unhitching your wagon from W. Detachment means this:
W is ornery, Matt's happy W is sad, Matt's happy W is spewing, Matt's calm W is crazymaking, Matt's happy W is happy, Matt's happy
Detachment does not mean uncaring. Detachment means one is not affected by the other person's words/actions/behaviors. You can act like a friendly neighbor to W.
Originally Posted By: Matt165
I have tried to be there for her when she needed my help with her family, again something I would normally do for my wife, not so much for a "friend". I have made calls for her when she has problems with her health insurance or to the airline when she went to vacation without me (even though I asked her to delay her trip by just a couple days and she said she would but changed her mind after I had made arrangements for meetings at work thinking she wasn't leaving yet. Later she said that her dad told her it was that day or never but she didn't tell me that at the time). You know, the kind of things one does for a S.
What does Matt really want here? W is not your wife for the moment. She's on Planet X right now. You don't have to fall all over the place to do things for W. Do some and allow W to handle stuff herself as she's an adult. As FY suggested, lean back a bit more and not do everything for her.
(well, if you want to go back 40 years, maybe if she had had a better childhood, she wouldn't have had a MLC lol)
It is not always the case that all MLCers have had a horrible childhood. My childhood was very good. My issue was my parents' divorce and I had to work through my own acceptance when MLC hit me. Some go through horrible, horrible chit in their childhood and they don't experience MLC at all. Goes to show you that MLC is an equal opportunity mind killer!
What I was asking was if I should keep pretending all was well.
I like what FY said earlier. It is not pretending, but rather doing what is the right thing for you and the family. Eventually people will see through W and come to their conclusions. You don't have to say a word about all of this. And as for "resisting"...just because I don't like what she is doing and complain about it doesn't mean I'm resisting.
You are. Go back and re-read your posts. I've read where you've argued or tried to talk your W into seeing your POV. That invalidates W feelings and thoughts. How you do this is: "Yes, I can see how you would view this", "I am sorry that you are feeling frustrated", "Are you saying...is that right?"
If you disagree, state your position and leave it at that. One piece of advice I would recommend is to leave out "I" statements for the MLCer will spew and blame you for your opinion. Just state the facts by stating the subject matter. No "I feel" or "I think" statements.
Do you see where I am going here? I think you are just starting to see that YOU do have an effect on the dynamics by removing yourself from W's mood swings. The how part is something you need to grasp by listening and learning what people do in their threads.
This whole process isn't easy at all! We all get that. With time and practice, you'll eventually get there like all the male LBS with a female MLCer.
