I'm Just About Ready For The Fork

[tadpole1025]

Forgive me. I really just need to journal.

S23 works overnight at a local grocery store here. He got me hired onto the cleaning crew. It is only about 20 hours a week and not my job of choice, but it is something for now. It'll give me a little cash and hopefully keep my mind of off things. I start tomorrow.

I've had a pretty emotional two or three days. Not sure why. The anxiety about my rats seems to be getting bad again. Knowing that they are the only two left out of a litter of 14 has been playing on my mind a lot. I'm sure you think I'm foolish because they are just rats, but they are part of my family and I love them. I feel a little embarrassed just sitting here writing about them. I have been very lucky though. Rats have very short lives and are really prone to respiratory disease and tumors. My girls, even though they are old, are still pretty healthy. I've taken really good care of them, give them plenty of attention and make sure that they eat very well. It still plays on my mind though. I worry about it a lot. It is almost like a foreboding feeling. I've been on the verge of tears off and on since yesterday.

I've never handled death very well. (Not that anyone does.) Mom was rough and my little brother was rough, but when I was 33, my grandmother died and it was really rough. My mom wanted to get some counseling for me then, but I never went and eventually I got better and actually found God. I was never really taught about death or God growing up. I think it was extra hard because it was the first time that I had lost anybody really close. Maybe that is why I'm having a hard time with the MLC thing and XW. She was my first true love and it was also the only time I've ever been dumped. I don't know.....just thinking out loud. My grandmother used to tell me all the time that I was too sentimental. Maybe she was right.

I still have pain over all that has happened. I'm sometimes surprised by the amount of pain that I do have. I wish it would just go away and sometimes wonder if it ever will. The pain itself isn't as bad as it once was, but the dips like I'm having now are still pretty bad.

When my brother killed himself at the end of 2008, I was really upset with him. I was mad at him for a very long time. Right after it happened a friend of mine who had contemplated it before told me:

"Don't be mad at him. You don't know the pain he was feeling. You can't understand how low he was unless you've been that low yourself. Nobody can."

I now understand what my friend was trying to say. I'm not saying that I would do that, but I think I can now understand how someone could be that low because I've been there. I'm not at that point now, but I have been off and on. It was mostly at the beginning of this mess.

For the past couple of weeks, I have actually been forcing myself to post atleast one thing on FB everyday. I've been doing it because I think I need it and because I got an email a few weeks ago from a former listener of mine who had heard that I had actually died a few years back. Wow. I guess that just goes to show how much I really did isolate myself.

Yesterday, I posted a video of me on the radio on my FB page. It was just an old video that I found and decided to post it because I thought that it was funny and because a lot of my FB friends are former listeners.

Today, S21 says to me:

Him: "Didn't you post an old video from a few years back on your FB yesterday?"

Me: "Yeah."

Him: "Mother posted an old video on her page today."

Me: "Huh?"

Him: "Yeah, pretty big coincidence huh?"

WTF? Is it a coincidence? If not, what is the deal with that? Would she do something like that because I did? How would she even know? She has blocked me and we are both invisible to each other on FB. She can't see what I do and I can't see what she does.

I'm sorry. I really needed to vent again. I post things here because I don't want to burden my sons.

It is 4:45 AM. I've got a throbbing headache and I need to try to sleep.

Tad