Barrybran - New Thread

[Ggrass]

It could be way worse Barry, nothing nada zip for me since 2may, everything has been just replies to my initiating. Any good contacts give the chance for change and building on the last one.

Ow is adding family on fb thick and fast. Well to them she's slowly appeared from the wood work. They won't know she was on the scene first.

[Lostforwords]

B,

It was a nice taste....But keep on working on yourself. It seems you are doing that....but keep the focus on you.

[Barrybran]

Thanks LFW. "This is nice" is about as much as I felt about the situation so I feel I'm heading in the right direction. My wife has shared a little more with me over the past couple of days. In general I'm doing my own thing though: whatever housework I feel like doing when I feel like doing it, playing games in my room, I even drove an hour out of town (and an hour back) for lunch on the weekend just for something to do.

Over the past few days I've made inquiries about going back to uni and I am setting up my application. My son's school's P&C group put a notice on Facebook last night asking for members so I've asked about that too. Money is still tight so GAL activities are free or non-existant. I've rehashed my budget in a big way and I can see where I'm overcomitted financially. I feel I have a bit of a roadmap for where I want to go however it's still a work in progress.

[Lostforwords]

Volunteering your time is a great activity....very good for the soul.

What about soccer for the your oldest? He is just about the right age to start. Just saying....I great opportunity for him to play and you to coach

[Barrybran]

He was signed up to play each of his first two school years. He wasn't very interested in it and other family members were pushing him into it. I got on the front foot this year and asked him several times if he wanted to play well before sign ups and he wasn't interested. I didn't play sport until I was nine years old and wound up playing at the elite level so I feel he'll let me know when the time is right. Unfortunately the only choices of sports here during winter is soccer and rugby and I don't even know what's on offer through summer.

I'd love to start up a tee-ball team and see if my son would get into that. Being such a small town it, like soccer, would be the same group of kids playing with/against each other each week and heading out of town to play some games against other towns every few weeks. That would be a summer school-term thing though, starting in October if I did do it.

[Ggrass]

My sympathy on the soccer, we did soccer one winter. Child was desperate to play at the end of the season I wanted him to do it again next year, but the stress on me getting there when often I worked sat was too much. He changed school and practice was to far to be easy for me, then he would miss the team in our closet town due to traveling to the other school.

He's sorta normal, so now he's about to get a job I'm not worried.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I've had a fairly eventful uneventful day today. I've worked the last five days and I was looking forward to having a day off to unwind. I was so tired from starting at 6am the past two days that I went to bed at 9:30pm last night and didn't wake until 8am this morning.

The kids weren't at home and my wife was still asleep so I tidied up some dishes before heading to the gym. I got home and my wife was in a bit of a mood. I went on with my morning, showered and went back into town. I had some breakfast at a cafe in town, bought a couple of things I needed for home and I was just about to head home when my wife sent me a text message I wasn't expecting:

W: I just had a thought. This is about the time that you would consider dating someone else, so I'll get on the front foot. If you are, I think there should be ground rules/boundaries when it comes to introducing them to the kids.
1: They are never to stay under this roof while the kids are here or whilst I am;
2: Give me the courtesy heads up so I don't get blind sided like last time from someone asking me who you're kissing;
3: Actually they will NEVER come to this house while we are living under the same roof;
4: Do not introduce them to the kids unless it's a serious relationship.
If you have any issues with this feel free to talk to me.

I was surprised mostly because I know she's been talking quite a bit with potential OM and I still don't know what their relationship is. I was expecting this conversation to come up if/when she wanted to date again. I wasn't expecting her to think I would be sneaking around again. I replied as follows:

Me: They're very well thought out rules. I am not and won't be dating anyone. Whilst my past actions and our current situation suggest otherwise, I am committed to this marriage.

W: Well talking of past actions I've noticed you've removed yourself from the other living room a fair bit more now. I'm not sure you realise this is how it started last time. You retreated away from the kids and myself at the time and poured yourself into the disgusting circumstances that lead to this separation. You're doing it again so that serves well to show that's probably what you're up to. I'm just trying to get on the front foot so I'm not gobsmacked when it turns out you're seeing someone whilst under the same roof again.

W: Pointing it out if you can't see it.

W: Kids notice it too btw.

Me: Thank you for pointing it out. I can see how you would think that my withdrawal this time could result in another infidelity. You have access to my phone, computer and accounts any time you like.

I understand why she thought of this. I've spent a LOT of time in my bedroom lately. I make it a point to be in the secondary living area while the kids are around. They choose to be in the main living room with Mum rather than spending time with me. Once the kids are in bed, I retreat to my bedroom. This was to try and give my wife space without moving out and I feel that has been beneficial. A few days ago, my wife arrived home to find I wasn't there and I arrived from a walk a few minutes later. She queried this as I was wearing jeans. It was a cold day and a nice walk. Today, I wasn't around when she woke up and took off again after my shower. She's not used to me not being here.

While she was messaging me I decided to go to the park instead of going home. I needed time to think and it was such a lovely day. I am so glad I did. I really enjoyed my time at the park. After about an hour I went home and throughout the afternoon I played video games in between loads of clothes washing. My wife had the day off too so aside from briefly helping her clean out the freezer, I kept to myself despite the concerns she raised earlier.

She has just left for the evening to set up for a quiz night the daycare is hosting. I'll have the house to myself and I'll be watching my football team play. Surprisingly, my wife asked if i could give her and her friends a lift to the venue later so she didn't have to leave her car there. Lately she has been going out and leaving her car at her friend's place and figuring out logistics the next morning. Asking for my help, be it to check out lumps on her neck, wash hair dye off her neck, bring towels for the freezer or get a lift from me to go somewhere is all different behaviour from the "I hate Barrybran" I've received over the past couple of months.

I feel that telling her I'm not dating anyone and remaining committed to a marriage she isn't interested in may be showing my cards. I'm comfortable with telling her this as I felt for the first time that it came from my core in a "this is who I am and what I stand for" kind of way. I don't feel comfortable moving into the living area my wife spends time in as I feel it would be forcing the issue. My wife knows where I am and has increasingly called out to me if she needs or wants to know something.

I have thought about asking her out to dinner or to go for a walk recently purely as a "let's go do this. If you don't come, I'm going anyway" deal. Once I had this thought I put some more thought into it and I'm not really ready to do this yet. I want to be more comfortable doing my own things, particularly on my days off when my kids aren't around, and I still have some work to do on my finances, including owing my wife money. On that, I've asked her twice now to let me know what I owe her and she hasn't responded nor has she asked for it. I've paid her back what I know and I'll pay back the remainder when I know the amount.

So all in all, there's a fair bit of what appears to be softening from my wife's side. She can still be quite cold and distant and she's still very protective of her things: clothes, phone/computer, chores, car, etc. She has spoken to me more often, asked my opinion more often, expressed excitement to me more often and asking for my help with things is a big one. Where her head is at I don't know. I know that I'm in it for my family and I'm very happy with where I'm at despite the work I have left to do.

If you've stuck around until the end of this post, you've done well. I'll go and get you a drink!

[Ggrass]

Oh Barry, I'm quietly excited for you.

My sitch isn't changing at any pace. Small steps. Small steps.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

My wife didn't come home last night. I'm used to it now. I still feel uncomfortable about when she doesn't come home so I know I'm not as detached as I need to be. I spent my afternoon and night watching football, a movie and playing my games. She came home at 8:30am this morning and we had the following exchange:

W: I thought you worked this morning.
Me: Yep.
W: I thought it was 6(am).
Me: It was. (My boss and I swapped hours earlier in the week)

She stormed off saying "great conversation". At least she's making small talk. Even a conversation like this wouldn't have happened a month or two ago.

[claire7]

Perhaps she is feeling embarrassed or that you are judging her?. She thought you would be gone? (Then I'm confused-- I'm wondering who would be with the kids?)