Wife doesn't feel it... (Part 2)

[25yearsmlc]

Well currently she is. I've asked her if I could take the kids


If these kids are both yours, see a lawyer and stop "asking IF" you can see your own children. She has no legal or moral right to keep them from you and really whatever you believe you are "gaining" by not stepping up to the plate for them, is lost by putting them at risk...and frankly, SHE is not the goal. Being the best man is your goal, correct?

Good men don't let their kids be put at risk so they can keep the peace with their wives...but this assumes your take on things, is accurate & fair.

for a while so she could get established there and then we could work something out and she refuses. She says I can have our special needs D but I can't have our son.

"she says"....uh, so what? Kind of strange sounding to me. I mean, she's not rushing home to you, so what you are doing, has not worked anyhow. I don't care if she's in an EA or a PA (if they are living together, it's a PA. Period. Don't fool yourself and btw, I do NOT consider it an automatic deal breaker. I'm just being real. So don't misinterpret that comment...but I don't see what difference that makes, compared to the risk you claim your children are put at AND EVEN IF that is not true OR IS

what the heck is the reason you don't see BOTH your kids? That's weird sounding. What kind of dad were you? I'm being extra blunt b/c I have NEVER before seen a parent willing to part with one of the kids but not the other, let alone allowing you to care for the special needs one, but not the healthier, possibly easier one...

Why would you agree to that?

I called my mentor and really hashed out all of my issues and he gave me some great unbiased advice and I now have peace that I am doing the right thing by my children. To me that is what matters.

Thank you for telling me like it is.

I'm very direct but I hope it's not too blunt. Then again, I'm in a bit of a rush and this is LONG....

So, is your mentor a lawyer? Have you at least consulted one? Some couples divorce and remarry their exes, (I have 2 family members who did and I believe about 15% of couples do that).

Consulting a lawyer does not require you to file, or DO anything, or even to tell your wife. (But frankly, I cannot see how her knowing that would hurt you.)

If you are telling us the whole story, she needs some reality therapy...Not from you, but from her own L or someone who knows how many rights you actually have. Right now you are giving her the illusion that a divorce or sep means she can do whatever she wants. That's not realistic. I am NOT suggesting you be the messenger of doom or ever get punitive.

It's not your job to show the consequences of divorce to her b/c life does that. (And it is almost always a punitive action even if you don't believe it it)

but it's also Not your job to enable her to pretend that there are no consequences, and it's NOT your job to let her determine IF you see WHICH of YOUR kids,

and or to allow her to live with OM and expose the kids to whatever...

but I'm still not clear on what facts you "know" and what you fear. Be clear with that.

What would your wife's main complaints be, if SHE were here talking...? And what of those flaws she claims, would you like to work on? What are you doing about those changes?

Also, do right by your kids. That's got to be THE Goal for you. You do right by them, and behave with strength and honor towards her and them, and know that ultimately you will have far fewer regrets.

Sometimes having few regrets b/c we "did right by our kids", is all we (LBSers) can do and hope for. And sometimes, it has to be enough.

Before you exclaim "but its 's unfair!",

know that the peace you gain by truly doing right by the kids, & never being vindictive to your wife, is something you'll always have to treasure. I doubt your w will have that...

but of course, HER reactions/thoughts/feelings are NOT an index for yours.

If she "seems so happy", that does not equate to you "being so miserable"

just as if the car she is driving gets a flat tire, it does not generate a new car for you, and so too, your happiness is NOT related to hers. (And It never was)...there is NO connection between her happiness or misery, being the cause of yours...we are responsible for our own happiness and in truth we always were. We blame others but that's wrong and it's so common...it's probably part of what your w is doing, (blaming you for her unhappiness).

Be in charge of your life and that includes being the father your children deserve.

FWIW< as a woman/mom, I can say one thing for sure.

No woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of a father with their children...for many of us it is an emotional turn on. And for some, that itself is enough to keep a woman in a marriage.

Give them/her your best self, your best fathering, being genuine about it, and then,

turn it all over to God, let HIM handle things, let the cards fall where they fall,

and hold your head high, at peace.