Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

I'm working on me FY- and you are right- whatever happens I will be more than ok.
He is noticing my changes and confidence quite a bit. He commented yesterday during that talk about those things as well.

Tonight he started another talk and I'm not so sure how I did....

He was talking about figuring out kids and finances etc. At one point talks about sharing house back and forth which only gets weird when one of us is dating or somebody moves in or gets remarried.
Then starts talking about getting help with budgeting and learning how to manage his finances. Maybe he will go back to school....
I finally say I think I'm done with this conversation for now and I'm holding back tears which he can see. I felt like he was still using me as his best friend/sounding board for the life he was about to separate from me and start over. I tried to listen but I couldn't take it anymore.
He said do you need space? I say no- he says on the flip side do you want a hug? And I say no. He seems hurt. I Say I need some water and to go to sleep. He asks " do you want me to get it for you? I say no" and get up.
When I come back he apologizes and gets really close next to me, holds my hand, says he's confused and all these thoughts are in his head and he understands the boundary of not discussing what ifs several years from now ( such as other relationships) and just dealing with what's in front of us.
Then says he's nuts because he's doing this b/c he can't give love the way he wants to yet he's sitting there wanting to ML and if I kissed him that would be it.
I said I can't do that right now- it's too difficult. He tries to console me, rubs my arm then asks me to lay on his chest. I do and then I have to get up b/c it's too hard. He says that felt good to hold me. I agree. Then he says he's going to run to his other house to put out trash cans and is it ok if he comes back? I say it's fine.
He says when he comes back he may be "in the moment" which means he will want ML. Says he just can't think beyond the right now. I say that I can think beyond, and I just can't do that right now.
He gets up and seems very confused, almost lost. Then says he will just come back in the morning.

I feel like I shouldn't have shown him the sadness or tears etc based on "keep in up the PMA". But I couldn't help it. And it seemed to soften him some, as did sticking to my boundary right now as I know it would be too emotionally hurtful for me. Maybe it wasn't all bad that I responded the way I did. Definitely got him thinking.