KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[KGirl]

Most of this is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. It still brings up some very angry and sad emotions though. It's more about what's behind it than the particular things themselves. I know I can get new things, but why should I have to do more work for this S that I don't want? My thoughts go something like "It's not fair. I'm the one that has to move and be inconvenienced by the process. He just gets to stay in the house, that I spent all the time setting up showings and realtor appointments for. He gets to keep the cat because I know it's what's best for her because she likes him more, the cat that I convinced him we should get because he thought pets were a waste of money and time. And NOW, he's the one that wants a D, and yet I'm supposed to split half this stuff with him, stuff the vast majority of which I spent time picking out and watching for good deals?" I feel angry that I put most of the work into these aspects of our life together and now he'll reap the rewards of it without having to do anything. As I type this out, this is probably codependency at its finest, huh? Doing things that I wasn't asked to do and am now resentful that I'm not getting out of it what I put in. He's so hung up on wanting things to be EXACTLY how they were before I leave compared to after I leave (like, replacing bookcases that we agreed I will take with the exact same ones so it will look the same in that room, even though he owns about 5 books). I'm angry that he's spending more time thinking about that then why we are even in this position in the first place. Maybe I need to think of ways to ask for help - he had already offered to help me move, but I don't want him there that day. Maybe asking him to help me with packing some boxes, or moving things around, would help me feel less like I have to do all the work. So far I haven't asked him for help so it's not really fair to be so angry at him for not being involved.

I started making a list of things that were really important to me (my dresser, the vaccum, the kitchenaid mixer) and things that would be nice but are more negotiable. Based on things H has said we are going to have a lot of the same things on the "really important to have" list. It's all replaceable but again, I'm stuck on all those thoughts above.

On the other hand, the more I can let go, the faster this will go and easier it will be to get it done with. I just don't want to feel like I got walked all over/taken advantage of and be resentful in the future. I worry that this process will not making reconciling, if that's even in the picture, any easier.

This, of course, is all mixed in with the realization that this is actually happening, which doesn't help. I haven't been to IC in about a month because I thought I was doing OK.. realized I am not and made an appointment for later in the week. I had lunch with a friend today and she asked if any of this is changing my mind at all about wanting things to work. I don't really know right now, but that's OK. She is in the process of getting divorced as well and said that there came a final straw where she just knew she'd never want to try to make things work again w/ her H no matter what he did, and that's when she pulled the trigger. I'm certainly not there yet.

On another note, for any newer people reading this - it's SO TRUE that you can't believe a lot of what they say, and that they won't remember saying it later. I had a few instances in the past few days where I said something to H about something he said or agreed to over the past 6 months and he responded with "I don't remember saying that... are you sure I said that?" or "That's not what I said, you must have misheard me." Which I suppose could be true, but I don't think I'd misunderstand something so simple as him telling me to pay for the newspaper out of my own account going forward because I'm the only one who reads it. I have very clear pictures in my mind of where we were each standing or sitting when certain things were discussed... he has no recollection of them happening! So bizarre.