Newbie - bf suddenly left after 9 years

[25yearsmlc]

I'm feeling very detached today, and I had a moment of clarity.

I would never want to trade places with him in this situation. I was griping and moaning about how unfair it is that I have to suffer because of his selfish actions, and that I don't deserve it, and that is still true.

Actually you do Not "have to suffer" any more. In the end it is up to YOU what you feel and do about others in your life. When you detach more, you'll see this and then feel it.

But you know what? I'm in pain, but at least I have the knowledge that I didn't betray his trust, didn't cheat on him, didn't lie to him, didn't act like a selfish, horrible person, didn't destroy my integrity as a person.

This must be enough for you^^^....you have no control over how HE feels or will feel or might feel AND you will Not know how he feels anyhow, (unless a very rare thing happens and he feels it AND tells you.)

So let your conscience be your pay off b/c it's all you control anyhow.


Unless he's a sociopath, I don't know how he can stand the guilt.

As I said earlier, chances are, he won't feel "guilt," per se. He might feel it, but it will convert into anger at you, for "causing" him discomfort or any form of loss. In fact, my x bil regretted leaving my sister, but then seemed to feel as if "it happened TO HIM", like he was thinking (I concede I'm interpreting his comments my own way) "Oh gee, I 'LOST' my family/wife/marriage...woe is me"...

even though he told my sister that HE "f'd up", he did NOT offer to change. He simply seemed to think a "cancer of sorts", had infected HIM and that HE suffered a loss...not that he damaged a lot of others but more about his own loss. I think lot of folks do that.

I have a friend who cheated on her h and they divorced. I rather politely asked her about all this, b/c I could not believe SHE would make those choices, plus I Liked her h.

She said, and I'm quoting, "Oh, I f'd up. I blew it. My h was a good man. I lost my h, my house and I almost lost my kids...Now, I'm dating OM"...

and while I appreciated how she took responsibility for it all, I also noted that she did not continue to ruminate about it. She had moved on and was very happily dating OM. No, it's not fair. But

What should her h do about that^^???? I submit he should live as happily as HE chooses, and move forward.

In the end, what choice do we have when someone else rejects us? 1) To let our wound fester and slowly kill us, or 2) to let ourselves heal, taking steps to insure it does?


I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. Honestly, I'm happy I'm not in his shoes, because I don't know how I could live with that burden.

So, you're saying you'd take your own life?

I didn't think so...I think you have to stop projecting yourself into his shoes

OR if you insist on doing it, then be more realistic. He is not you. He has rationalized and justified his actions. Most WAS's rationalize their behavior because it's very very rare for someone to say "I choose to be a selfish jerk".

The rationalizing is what happens...and though it sort of terrifies us, it also helps us to keep the focus on OUR choices.

B/c that is all we control.