Wife walking away

[LBSinTX]

My wife told me last Thursday that she wants a divorce. No trial separation, etc... We are still in the house together but sleeping in different rooms. I will be moving out with my two daughters from a previous marriage and she will be staying in the house with the two children we have together(7 and 8.) It's been pretty turbulent the past 3 to 4 years, and especially the last 2 years, since my teenage daughters came to live with me. I sensed it coming for a while. We went to counseling. I made some progress but still had some regressions. I became so focused on her feelings that I alienated the kids, and pushed her further away. She went on a weekend getaway with my 19 year old stepdaughter over the weekend and since she came back she has been texting someone non-stop. I believe it was someone she knew before via Facebook that also happened to be at the gathering. This person had been commenting on every Facebook and Instagram post of hers over the past few weeks. I showed my jealousy when I noticed and it came up in counseling that I was being jealous and making a big deal about nothing. I still want this relationship to work. I expressed that desire but I have not begged or pleaded or pursued anything as I know it will only push her further away. I am acting happy and I am relieved in a way because I don't believe that our marriage was going to be fixed in the current environment. She says she loves and cares about me and said maybe she wasn't "in love" but seemed unsure when she said that. I take a lot of responsibility for the problems in our relationship. It takes two to tango but it was 80 percent me and 20 percent her. However, she is unhappy with the house which is disrepair, her job, my kids, her weight. She was told by the counselor that we saw that she likely has clinical depression but I think she's blaming everything and everyone else for her unhappiness. She's riding a little wave of enthusiasm and happiness right now but is still worried about making it on her own. I told her if the relationship is going to end that I'd like it to be on friendly terms but there is an impenetrable wall up between us. It's funny. She makes small talk occasionally and we get along well and the next time we interact she won't even look me in the eye. Last night I went out to run some errands and she asked me where I was going? Why would she care? Has anyone gone through or is anyone currently going through a similar situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[owl777]

Please tell us why you think it's 80% you the problem and W 20% when you say she's clinically depressed? Have you been diagnosed with something other than jealousy of someone she's communicating on FB? I feel like a parrot. Stop FB. It ruins relationships. If she's having an EA that's a tough one. Most of us here DBing have experienced it and sometimes that's worse than a PA.

[Wonka]

TX,

Sorry to find you here.

Whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. If your W has a problem, SHE needs to be the one to move out of the house.

Keep on reading around the DB forum and post to other threads to drive traffic back to your thread.

[LongRoad06]

Ditto not moving out.

Go dim at the very least.

Detach, GAL. Buy The Divorce Remedy. Can you afford coaching? If so, sign up now. The coaches here are a bright light in a dark world.

[LBSinTX]

Owl. The FB jealousy was recent. I've always been a pretty possessive and jealous guy without real cause. I've also been a pretty big jerk at times. I know she is hurt and that she did try to make things work for years. She is staying in the house at my suggestion because of the kids. She said she wanted to get an apartment but school isn't out yet and I don't want them changing schools right now. The plan is to sell the house quickly if we can do it without losing money and possibly make a little money. I don't think it will be possible which the alternative was for me to keep the house and refinance in my name. I am GAL and I don't contact her or initiate conversations. I'm going out tonight and she, again(two nights in a row now) has asked where I was going. She at least seems curious about what's going on with me. We're very early on in the game. Like I said, the bomb was dropped 5 days ago. But it seems like her foot is on the gas. If I fight I will only push her away right now.

[LBSinTX]

Wonka,

I volunteered to move out because she will have my children with her and I want them to have some stability right now. School isn't out for another couple of weeks. At any rate, I feel like if I go back on that now I'll push her away completely and there will be no chance left to rebuild our marriage.

[sandi2]

I became so focused on her feelings that I alienated the kids,

How will the 7 & 8 yr old after you leave?

Tell us your ages and give us more of the story.

Yes, there are many people here who have similar experiences. Post often and you will get responses.

[LBSinTX]

It was mostly my teenage daughters that I alienated. I'm 44 and she's 35. I have a 14 and 16 year old from a previous marriage and she has a 19 year old from a previous relationship. We have a 7 and 8 year old together. We've been married for almost 9 years and together for almost 12. Our family didn't always blend very well, specifically with respect to my wife and my teenage daughters. I don't think she ever felt loved or respected by them. They came to live with us full time 2 years ago and we've had a lot of trouble, especially over the past year. My daughters were abandoned by their mom and my wife tried her best to be a mother to them but they never embraced her as such. We've been to counseling which really didn't help at all. I drove myself crazy trying to balance out all the personalities involved but everyone just drifted further and further apart. I couldn't make anyone happy. My wife and I never spent any time together away from the house.because if my worries I became so focused on her feelings and so needy. I pushed her away. I gave her so much grief about not being more affectionate. I asked for so much reassurance. I became so unattractive to her. If I'd stayed strong or knew how to act during those times I think we could've overcome the other issues in the household. I'm worried that too much damage has been done at this point. I want so desperately to turn it around. I know there is an OM involved now and I think things are moving very quickly. I'd been snooping and looked At cell phone records and there have been almost 300 texts a day between her and OM. I feel so deflated and hurt right now. Last night was our first night apart. This morning was a little tough for me. I cried for yet he first time in a week. Couldn't choke back the tears any more.

[sandi2]

So she's going to stay home with just her kids.....and without you or your troublesome teenagers . I suppose you intend to support her while you live out of the home? Plus, she has a new OM. Sounds like things are going her way.

What's your plan?

[LBSinTX]

My plan is to work on myself. We're trying to sell the house right now and she's trying to find an apartment as quickly as she can. I'm not supporting her. My plan is to work on myself. If she had anywhere else to go she wouldn't be in the house. She loathes the house. It's in disrepair and she's always listed it as one of the biggest reasons for her unhappiness. This has all happened in the span of 8 days. I'm reeling but I'm largely detached. I only text her about the kids or business. I don't tell her I love her and I am getting a life. I'm reconnecting with old friends and living my life. I don't feel that there will be any way to improve things until she is out of the house and truly on her own. I'm working out and working on my issues and being patient. I see her daily because I get the kids off the bus after work and stay with them till she gets home. Her mood is up and down. Initially things were fairly friendly but the past couple of days she's gone pretty cold. I didn't say hi yesterday when she showed up and that seemed to bother her. Should I. Trying to stay dark when possible. What else should I be doing? Perhaps I'm just being hopeful but I think things will work out after some distance and when things play out with OM. He doesn't really seem her type. Any advice is appreciated.