I am ok. I feel really good overall. H has been really weird lately for lack of a better word. We had several text / phone call conversations a few weeks back. In general he has been much nicer. We talks about a possibility of living together again as a family but he is obviously still not ' there'. There have been some positives and some 'whatever' moments too. I am off his roller coaster but it seems just when I feel ready to move forward without him something small happens. Not in words (never words of endearment or claims of missing me or the family- he only says he misses the kids). He has acknowledged that he needs to be a better father more involved with the kids. When he left last time he spoke To me and the kids about needing time and hopefully things will be positive for us all.
But then I look at his actions. He doesn't initiate communication with me. Doesn't really seem interested. When he is around - sometimes he seems interested sometimes not. Sometimes he stays at the house, sometimes he does not ( guest room).
I told him to just leave and go live the life he wants. Me and the kids need to finish healing and move forward alone. I told him he is sitting on the fence and I can help him but I don't want to continue like this. I am resigning from work next year and I told him I think me and the kids will leave Sudan. He wants to stay in the Emirates (mostly for work), and would want us to go there but I said I wouldn't go there unless we were back together as a couple and a family. Why should I?
I said if there is a chance for us to live together again then we need to start building trust. Leave the past behind. Start fresh. Etc etc. He didn't disagree but again- actions speak louder than words. Then he has moments when he shows he cares. I look at these as big steps for him and try to keep it in perspective of how we were the past three years.
I feel so beyond this now. I still struggle but just feel beyond it all. I want to move forward with or without him. I have compassion and empathy for him. I want to dig deep. I understand.
The question- what to do now? He arrives tomorrow. Don't know if he is staying here. Didn't ask. At the same time, we are invited to a dinner at the golf club on Thursday and the invite was sent to him ( for us both) and he rsvp 'd in the affirmative. I don't even know if he will come though or if he does go with me or will 'catch up later'. I don't care really- I'm going either way. When the invite first came I asked him if he wanted to go ( because I intended to go ) so we could RSVP accordingly and he said ' I'll see about that ' very hesitantly, then he responded to the email in the affirmative.
We have some nice texting some days and some days he is silent. He told me last week he was in a bad mood- I tried to cheer him up - it seemed like it helped.
It's just a lot of uncertainty. A year ago- I knew he wasn't around. Now- it's like we are back at the start- is he coming or going? Except now I am different- and I know I am ok either way. I am tired. And I am ready to have a partner in life again.
At this stage- I am not even sure what to say. I haven't posted on the boards bcause I am not sure what to say. It's been four years. Sometimes I don't know if I am pushing him too hard or showing him light and a different perspective. I don't know if I am building trust or building a wall. I don't know if I am helping or harming. I don't know if he even cares
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
