She left - 4

[gogofo]

Last night went well. I showed up and had dinner with the W, our two boys and two nieces. Helped encourage their eating and let both nieces sit in my lap to 'help' them eat better. They just saw our youngest sitting in my wife's lap and wanted to do the same.

Took kids to the park to play after dinner and our youngest niece was walking and fell into a cactus. Yeah no fun for this poor girl as the W and I pulled about 20 pins out of her. So since she was brave we loaded all four up into my truck and went to get kiddie cones.

Driving with all the kids and my wife next to me was great. It was one of those times where you feel internal pride and happiness and my family was providing this feeling for me. I drove the kids through tunnels and under underpasses while honking with the windows down, drove across the bridge over the river, they loved it.

We put the kids to bed and then sat down to plan out what we want to do during our trip out of town this weekend. We had a lot of fun looking for new restaurants and activities with the kids. This was something we used to do early in the relationship but near the end I and we were so stressed with life and each other we never did any planning or were even excited about it. We had lots of fun thinking and dreaming of things to do in the future too. She even said that some places looked really good "if only we had a reason to go, maybe in the future... huh."

What has also been fun/funny is that the divorce has become something to tease each other about. She joked that I better hope her brother and SIL make it back safe on the airplane because we would be the parents to their kids. I said no problem I will just contact the lawyer and file. She laughed. She will tease me and say that she would rather file than have to put up with my kids. It has now transitioned from a word that gave us instant stomach aches into a macabre joke.

She asked if I was going to stay the night and I wanted to but figured it would be better if I went home. Don't want to wear out my welcome or overwhelm each other with our presence. I gave her a hug and we sat on the couch hugging and embracing for about 10 minutes or more. I would slightly pull away or lighten up and she would hold me close and tight. I felt her hugging and embracing me out of want, not out of response to my embrace. It felt really soothing and comforting. She also said that things felt different and better than before and that it was very nice spending time together.

When I was leaving she told me if I brought some of my homemade pancetta she would make us spaghetti squash carbonara with a poached egg. I put on my jacket (which is new and was purchased when I discovered nice clothes make me feel great about myself when I started to restore my self esteem) and she said that I looked great. First direct compliment in a long time and her eyes said more than her words did.

This morning she sent me a "pin" on "pinterest" of a sign that said "Sometimes, two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together." Wow, talk about a great way to start your morning. I know I had felt that something was feeling a little different with each time we get together, but last night when we embraced seemed like she was really hugging me out of want.

I seems like we are reconnecting in various ways and situations that are filling little holes that were in our relationship. She seems to be starting the slow migration from "I love you but" towards "I love you." Slow small steps and not much pressure from me will be the course that I will be keeping as there seems to be cheese down these tunnels still. She even is seeing cheese in our future when looking at things to do out of town. Still not taking any of this for granted and still working on myself to bring improvements back into our relationship.