Help please

[Maybell]

Less weepy today, which is wonderful. Reading about impact of divorce on kids; it's not hopeful. My kids are going to go through the wringer. Not to say they can't come out the other side, but it looks like it's going to be every bit as awful as I've been anticipating. Last night my S8 asked when he was coming home and when I said "tomorrow" I had to add "but I don't think he's going to stay the night." The look on his face hurt me. My husband hasn't had to see any of this yet.

This makes me so angry at my husband. That he could be so selfish, never (even still, after 6-8 months of MC) give me much of a clue about what exactly he has been missing from the relationship, or even that he seems to know; mostly he just has been trying to decide if "this is what he wants." So that I feel like I've been expected to mind-read for our entire marriage, and it is failing because I'm not telepathic. And now my kids are going to suffer, even if it's just for the period of a separation and we don't divorce.

I don't know where I stand. It's getting harder to remember good things from our relationship, though I know they are there, and I know that somewhere deep in this stranger who has taken over my husband there is a wonderful man who I love very deeply. Two years ago he would have been merciless in his ridicule of this sort of behavior.

I will be going to see my IC tomorrow morning but my H is coming home tonight from his trip to say good night to the kids and collect clothes for the week. Supposedly we are going to touch base about how we communicate the separation with the kids and figure out how to spend the weekend also. I'm curious to see how that's going to go.

He wants me to leave the house and let him stay here in the guest room while I go stay in his hotel room so he can be with the kids. I do NOT want to do that, but I also don't want to make things harder for my kids than it needs to be. The only alternative is for us to both stay in the house this weekend, with him in the guest room.

Any thoughts?

I know I'm not detaching, though I'm trying. I haven't spoken to him since the phone conversation mentioned above, and have only exchanged two emails (one where he asked me if he should get a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment, and one where I shared with him a book about helping kids through divorce). I don't really want to talk to him and I'm not looking forward to tonight at all.

If any of you out there are the praying types, I wouldn't mind if you could spare one for me, that I am able to contain myself when I see him, to listen, validate, respond thoughtfully, and not let myself get sidetracked or upset. I'll return the favor.

Thanks.