With All My Hopes and Dreams

[soldier]

Well I have my second fight class tonight and am looking forward to rolling around on the mats with some guys and letting off some steam. I worked out for about an hour last night and it left me wanting more. Sometimes I wonder if this new obsession with my health and fitness is just something to feel the void of missing my wife but it is working so I will go with it.

There has still been no word from the W and probably not going to get one for a while so I am working on exercising my patience. Without attempting to mind read I feel as if this is a test of sorts. She set up boundaries for me on Mother’s Day and she now wants to kick back and see if I can truly respect them or not. I will not fail this time around as I know have a better understanding of exactly how my wife feels right now.

I have been working on empathy a lot and really trying to see things from other people’s points of view every day. I played with my D5 last night and it was really wonderful to just be able to relax and live in the moment. I know I was controlling and trying to let go of that lifelong habit has been hard and has felt very foreign to me but every time I succeed in doing it I walk away feeling very positive about what I have accomplished. I know I have a long way to go but I just want to keep taking steps in that direction as fast as I can. The truth is that I want my W back but I want to not be this controlling guy far more. I am starting to slowly transition doing things for my W to doing things for me. I know I should have been in this mind set all along but in the early stages I just wanted to do what I could to get my W to come home. Now I am starting to see that this will not happen any time soon but the change is needed regardless. I am not completely there yet but again I feel much closer to this thought process.

I am going over to my dad’s this weekend to power wash his house for him and I thought I might just do mine as well. We get a lot of pollen and knocking it off would be nice. I have a class project to work on some this weekend but if I get it caught up in time I also hope to give our flower beds some much needed love. I have never cleaned out flower beds before as this was always the W’s thing so it should be a novel experience but I am going to dive in with both hands, pun intended, and try to live in the moment and clean those beds the best I possible can.