Upwards - Needing support, tough times ahead

[Upwards]

I've taken a few days away to do some thinking & soul searching.

I think my wobble last week was because I DO feel ready to maybe go on a date, I DO feel ready to move on & that scared me in a big way - I feel a lot of guilt for it, I feel like I'm being disloyal and betraying my H which is pretty insane considering what he's put me through the past few years. I deserve better than he can give me right now. I'm not ready for a serious relationship or anything like that but I would like to enjoy myself & spend time meeting new people now & again I suppose.

My hope for our marriage has pretty much gone, I don't know if that comes with detachment or if its just my acceptance of the situation as it is but right now I cant see any way that me & H could ever reconcile, it just doesnt seem possible after everything that's happened. I cant save my marriage single handedly but I did save myself and have learn't some valuable tools that i'll carry with me for life, I will always be work in progress but I now have the confidence in myself to continue striving to be the best me that I can be - that's something i'll always be grateful for.

It comes with a lot of sadness to admit that i'm dropping the rope for good, it wasn't what I ever wanted & I never imagined giving up hope but I feel i've been left with no choice. I'm enjoying my life as a single person and as the mother to my children, this is the hand i've been dealt and I want to make the most of my life instead of wasting it hoping for something that may never happen.

None of us know what the future holds, who knows whether our paths will cross again, for the time being i'm closing the door & moving on with my life with our children.

Sorry its long, wanted to get all that out.