Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

Well, I am now on notice number 3 that he feels he needs to proceed with divorce. H went to IC today and has again come to this conclusion. Each time he seems to delve more into opening up about the hurt he has and how he feels he can't move forward without starting over.
He wants to be with me, said he loves me ( several times) and that I'm the one he wants. But he can't "let go". He feels like he needs to believe I want to be with him because I want him and not because I am afraid to lose him.
It seems like he's punishing himself or trying to create what he thinks he deserves. He talks about needing to make everything up to me and realizing how stupid he is being and how unhealthy he really is.
It is all so bizarre.
I listened and validated as much as I could. I really felt compassion for the pain he is in and showed that openly. By the same token- When he asked if he could still come over to spend time with the kids at our house I said I don't know. Then he said I understand you will need to push me away. I told him it seems like that's what he's trying to force me to do. And that I will make the decision based on how I feel at the time but I'm not going to assume that by D he's going to suddenly be healthy enough for a relationship.
I know it's not over until the papers are signed, or even until a spouse remarries. But I hate that I and especially my kids have to go through all of this pain if the relationship is going to survive in the end. I really do believe we are meant to be together- but I don't know if he can find his way out of this self loathing.
He did thank me at the end of te night for listening and "being me".
There is so much hope here and yet I fear I am in the midst of a Shakespeare tragedy.
Giving it to God......