In the meantime, there have been positive developments:
I drop D2 on Sunday evening at W’s apartment. In the past, these have been brief exchanges. This time W asked me if I wanted to stay for tea. I’d my car parked in a dodgy place (wasn’t expecting to be asked for tea) and mentioned this to her and her face betrayed that she was a bit disappointed. Of course, I went and sorted out the car and came back. I was nervous, but was resolute to act “as if” and be positive.
The conversation was pleasant and covered many “current event” type topics. We also played with D2 and W can see how D2 really enjoys my company and vice versa. W even mentioned how D2 talks about me a lot (well to the extent she can at 2 ). At one point, naturally, an update about our mutual friends came up. I explained how the husband had told me that he was struggling with his work given the pressure of long hours and a big mortgage and that he was finding his relationship was suffering. This prompted a brief discussion about W’s work as she had been working in a comparable legal private practice job with very long hours. She said (1) you don’t blame me for that do you? And I said “no, absolutely not, I think we made a mutual decision for you to do that. That said, I guess I look back on it now and both of our jobs and think about how our work focus played a role in our current situation and wonder “what if”. (2) She said “that’s good because I don’t think my work made any difference. Well, sometimes I don’t think it made any difference.” I just nodded at this. I was really happy that she felt comfortable enough to express this sentiment and confusion. Neither of us had appetite to follow this up further, so we didn’t.
I am travelling to Australia for work next week. As a result, I was keen to see D2 for a lunch before I go. This would be on the days that W is off work looking after D2. W was really supportive of this. We made further arrangements by text. I said I’d be happy if W was able to come to the lunch too. She said in text that D2 would definitely be there and she would see how she felt, if ok. I said completely fine.
Today we had the lunch and I think it was positive. W did join us, and in fact sort of dominated the conversation in her own way. The time apart has given me perspective on that and how to be more caring of her differences. The topics were ‘lite’ and convivial. There was no talk of the joint counselling. That said, I think it’s really positive that we’re doing this – sort of learning to “get on” and be normal. I think the only way forward for me is to pursue a friendship and regain her trust and continue to be patient about doing this. I tried to pepper the conversation with humour and I did get a few laughs. D2 was really upset to leave me again, by my sister says that’s normal and a sign of a close connection. I think she’s right as I feel sad about leaving D2 too.
Anyway, I think these last few days have been positive movement away from the nadir. I don’t want to press for the joint sessions. I guess my hope is that if I can keep defrosting the wall, we will get there, or be comfortable to talk through what we need to as friends or perhaps more. No expectations. Just trying my best to lovingly DB.
