4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks for your comment 2B. I have had a case if the sads these last couple of days. I actually cried in the shower today and briefly on a walk at work. Part if it is PMS and the other is that I'm wondering what happened?

Have I forgiven myself? No. I'm working on it. It's a process. I feel like I picked someone who I don't even recognize now. H speaks like he's 16 and honestly, acts that way as well. It's bizarre. I was not a great wife in the intimacy and affection areas. My marriage was not my top priority. My kids were number 1 and they still are. I was a great friend and business partner. That doesn't sound very romantic does it?

Have I forgiven him? No. I'm not sure where I am in that process. When I see him, I have to remind myself that we were best friends for 12 years. I don't initiate any kind of chat but will greet him or say have a nice day. He talks only to s4. He said he gives him what he needs. He knows the kids are my top priority so he has not checked in since he left.

I know h is a mess. I do. I cannot imagine being him or wanting to swap places with him. Some days I do feel sorry for him. How horrible it must be to hate everything and think that a new love will "fix" him. However, as a mother I feel terrible for my kids. To hear them say derogatory remarks about the man I chose makes me sad for them. At almost 41, does it feel weird to hang out with only people in their 20s?

I'm just thinking out loud. It's so strange to imagine what kind of r I will have with h. As Job always says, I know the answers have not been revealed yet. I don't think of this often as it is a complete unknown. However, it's so strange to think this man knows me better than anyone and yet I cannot say or tell him anything. He isn't interested and I have not reached out. I know it's not true but the father of my kids told them I ruined his life? How? By taking care of him for 12 years and paying the bills ? By telling him I loved him and having 3 amazing kids with him? He wanted the infatuation and new love feeling. I was just keeping the laundry going and cleaning up poop.

I'm sorry to be a downer tonight. I'll wrap up the pity party soon. I promise.