Thanks for the encouragement Wonka. When fears about my changes only being temporary crawl into my mind I keep reminding myself to fake it until I become it. Those TED talks really resonated with me. I figure as long as I don't lose focus on my 180s and keep working them I will become who I want to be.
This afternoon the W sent a text message saying she would 'let' me take her to dinner (play talk she does instead of asking me out). This is nice because she is going away for the weekend to a wedding so we won't get our date this weekend. Her time at the wedding will be good for us though, a little time apart to help us miss each other.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Had dinner with the wife last night. Nice evening overall. We went back to her house and she played fashion show for me, but only after encouragement.
When she is going somewhere special she, like most people, picks out a couple of different outfits to decide what she should wear. I always called this "fashion show" and liked watching her model clothes. She probably never understood how I felt in the past about this, so I encouraged her to do it for me so I could help, she could narrow down what she wants to wear, and I could model my new behavior to her.
She modeled four different dresses for me and I never make comments until the end. When she was done I told her which dresses she looked the best in and also why. Instead of saying I like the green one and going on with my business, like I did in the past, I told her which dresses I liked the best with specific reasons why. Details like how the color compliments her skin tone, flattering shape, more of a "fun" style, more of a sophisticated "mod" style. I even went on to suggest she may even wear her hair straightened and curled under when wearing the 60's ish mod style dress. Kind of pull off the whole package, sleek and slimming dress with sleek hair.
I had made the conscience effort to describe exactly what I saw because like I said in the past she never heard these things from me. I assumed that saying "you look great" would be the same. Wow what a dumb assumption.
After fashion show we started to talk again and she just started talking about feelings and the relationship. I encouraged her to talk about how she felt. She said she hurt me worse than a bullet to the head.
A little background, in college she had a BF and when she was breaking off their R he called her to come over and talk to him. She stopped on the way at a gas station and he called her again and all she heard was gurgling and slurring. When she arrived he had shot himself in the head trying to commit suicide. The police arrived and told her she was lucky she stopped as a lot of similar situations end in a murder suicide. He later said he had shot himself on purpose to hurt her. She had a good childhood friend commit suicide 5 or 6 years earlier, he new this, and he wanted her to hurt like that again.
Anyways she said that the emotional pain she felt was worse than those previous situations. I encouraged her to tell me specifics why, and she did. She felt ridiculed and suffocated and felt like she lost who she was, she had no personal identity. Whenever she turned she did find herself anymore. She also talked about how she felt better and liked doing things herself and not having to take hours to talk with me to make decisions on silly stuff like wall colors, décor, etc. She felt smothered by motherhood and work and with us constantly doing things together. She had no personal time, neither of us did which was an issue with us. She said she also allowed this to happen, it wasn't just me forcing her to feel this way. We talked a while longer and I just took most of the time listening and comforting and supporting her. I thanked her for her bravery and openness with her feelings.
We never had these kind of talks before in our relationship and with my self improvements I am now able to hear what she is saying. In the past if/when she would have started talks like this I would feel threatened and hurt and try to argue with her or change her POV. We just stopped talking like this when things got tough. I think we had what John Gray refers to as "Venus Talks" in one of his books. I remember reading this early in the situation and wanting to do this in the R if I ever got a chance.
This morning I sent her an email again thanking her for being open and explaining how I need to hear how she felt hurt, etc. I also told her that after we talked I felt more close to her. I told her I would like to do these venus talks more often. We both said we need to find the balance between fun and emotion. If we let limerence drag us back together and only have fun we will end up in the same situation. If we have only emotional talks we will get overwhelmed and end up liking and understanding each other but not loving each other. She suggested we have fun and then maybe cry a little together at night. We are figuring more of this out as we go, but she seems fully involved and really trying, not just giving lip service.
She also said last night that when she said "I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow, give me a reason why I should take you back" it wasn't a metaphor, she really had a divorce appointment lined up. The way she said it is seemed metaphorical and not the truth, but I had wondered if she really did have an appointment. She said she was going to file because I seemed like I was happy and doing well. She figured why prolong it, I was happy and hadn't reached out to her so why not file. We talked about it a little bit and I said that maybe a part of you still loved me. She agreed and said she is working through the possible change from loving me to being in love with me.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Wow...you've come a long way, buddy! Those talks are good as they encourage you to feel safe and bond together as spouses in a united way.
Perhaps you can ask W for some solution-oriented methods to keep your M fun and find the right balance between the two of you in planning activities. Take turns to plan dates, vacations, and outings. So that way one doesn't feel overly burned with the planning and coordinating logistics. Make sense?
For goodness sake, go and buy a coupon book with kisses, massages, etc. I did that with Ms. Wonka which helped with our bond (this was pre-MLC for me).
Are you sure that you're straight?! For what's worth, women do like receiving compliments on their dress/outfit. I'll give you that one!
We haven't talked about specifics on being solution oriented, but she did take me out the second week of working on us. She also invites me over for dinner, like tonight, so she is doing some planning as well.
The coupon book is a good idea, I was going to put a back rub one in her mother's day card but I spaced it. I did give her dance coupons when we were first dating and she loved them.
Straight, yeah, but if I dressed how I wanted I would arouse suspicion. Don't understand why a man wearing a scarf gets his sexuality questioned but in Europe it is common for men to wear them. My comments on her outfits was not about clothes but about detailing what I see that I like and why. More explicit and open communication from me. Trying to detail what is inside my head instead of leaving it open for interpretation.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Last night went well. I showed up and had dinner with the W, our two boys and two nieces. Helped encourage their eating and let both nieces sit in my lap to 'help' them eat better. They just saw our youngest sitting in my wife's lap and wanted to do the same.
Took kids to the park to play after dinner and our youngest niece was walking and fell into a cactus. Yeah no fun for this poor girl as the W and I pulled about 20 pins out of her. So since she was brave we loaded all four up into my truck and went to get kiddie cones.
Driving with all the kids and my wife next to me was great. It was one of those times where you feel internal pride and happiness and my family was providing this feeling for me. I drove the kids through tunnels and under underpasses while honking with the windows down, drove across the bridge over the river, they loved it.
We put the kids to bed and then sat down to plan out what we want to do during our trip out of town this weekend. We had a lot of fun looking for new restaurants and activities with the kids. This was something we used to do early in the relationship but near the end I and we were so stressed with life and each other we never did any planning or were even excited about it. We had lots of fun thinking and dreaming of things to do in the future too. She even said that some places looked really good "if only we had a reason to go, maybe in the future... huh."
What has also been fun/funny is that the divorce has become something to tease each other about. She joked that I better hope her brother and SIL make it back safe on the airplane because we would be the parents to their kids. I said no problem I will just contact the lawyer and file. She laughed. She will tease me and say that she would rather file than have to put up with my kids. It has now transitioned from a word that gave us instant stomach aches into a macabre joke.
She asked if I was going to stay the night and I wanted to but figured it would be better if I went home. Don't want to wear out my welcome or overwhelm each other with our presence. I gave her a hug and we sat on the couch hugging and embracing for about 10 minutes or more. I would slightly pull away or lighten up and she would hold me close and tight. I felt her hugging and embracing me out of want, not out of response to my embrace. It felt really soothing and comforting. She also said that things felt different and better than before and that it was very nice spending time together.
When I was leaving she told me if I brought some of my homemade pancetta she would make us spaghetti squash carbonara with a poached egg. I put on my jacket (which is new and was purchased when I discovered nice clothes make me feel great about myself when I started to restore my self esteem) and she said that I looked great. First direct compliment in a long time and her eyes said more than her words did.
This morning she sent me a "pin" on "pinterest" of a sign that said "Sometimes, two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together." Wow, talk about a great way to start your morning. I know I had felt that something was feeling a little different with each time we get together, but last night when we embraced seemed like she was really hugging me out of want.
I seems like we are reconnecting in various ways and situations that are filling little holes that were in our relationship. She seems to be starting the slow migration from "I love you but" towards "I love you." Slow small steps and not much pressure from me will be the course that I will be keeping as there seems to be cheese down these tunnels still. She even is seeing cheese in our future when looking at things to do out of town. Still not taking any of this for granted and still working on myself to bring improvements back into our relationship.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Our family Memorial Day weekend trip was great. We played around in the city, went to the aquarium, zoo, had my brother cut the kid’s and my hair, did some shopping and running around; we had a lot of fun.
This was the first trip that the kids traveled well in the car, DVD player and head phones help. They had fun everywhere we went. The wife and I were even able to have some romantic feelings while walking around at night with the kids and watching some fountains. We smiled at each other all weekend and just really enjoyed everything we did.
One of the more enjoyable things was I have a portable projector so we pulled out the couch bed in the hotel room, all laid down together, and watched Dr Who on Netflix on what would be about a 100 inch TV. It was great to lay there as a family with all of us happy and enjoying a big family cuddle.
On Monday the wife and I went to my place and did some spring cleaning. I did not want to have wife come over and help, but it was her idea. I told her how I felt about accepting help and how I thought it was embarrassing and we had an open discussion about it and ended up having a very nice day together, even if we were cleaning. She also joked and said the house better be clean if I want her to stay the night during this time in our relationship.
Tuesday the wife bought flowers to plant at her house and then decided to fill the flower pots at my house as well. She also cleaned up some more things at the house that were hers. We have been talking about our dual household situation and our options about selling our current home and moving into the house she has for a couple of years. We were going to do this three years ago but moved back into our current house after 4 months. We have different options and are now having talks about a possible future together and what that may entail. She and I have similar ideas, but now are taking the time to express them openly and listen to the other person when they talk. We did not do this before, obviously, and now are finding out how to do this. It has been successful so far and has brought out some heavy emotional sharing.
She talked about how feeling trapped at the end had her feeling like a suicidal person and she just needed to get out and established a timeline to do so. With her past experience with a good friend killing himself she has done research into suicide and looking back on it she said some of the things she did like establishing a timeline, not eating or feeling sick after eating, along with other things, were similar to suicidal people. I said that I really had no idea and her excuses during this time seemed plausible and I took her excuses as the truth.
She did allude to these feelings when we were talking but were interrupted and she stopped. I later asked her about her feelings and then finished telling me all of this later that day. I thanked her for telling me these things and being honest with her feelings. She said that she was scared to tell me because I accept blame on things that are not my fault and did not want me to feel responsible for her feelings. This time I didn’t, which shows growth, and told her that I did not feel like it was fault but I felt sad for her that she felt that way. We hugged and talked some more. We are figuring out how to communicate better which we both are enjoying.
Another good sign for us reconciling is that on Friday when we started our vacation she started wearing her wedding ring again! This was so awesome when I noticed and made me feel great. She previously told me that she was not wearing the ring because she was not “feeling” what the ring represented. I never asked her to wear it or why she did not wear it, this was something she told me herself. So she put it on by her own desire and is still wearing it, it was not just for the out of town trip.
Things seem to be progressing at a steady pace.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
For what's worth, women do like receiving compliments on their dress/outfit. I'll give you that one!