About the job, had to wait until D's were done school as with W not being willing to pick her up after school any new job I would get wouldn't have allowed me the leeway to do that. Also, I am part owner of this start up and it won't be easy to get out. Not expecting Florence anytime soon, more expecting bride of Frankenstein. I can't trust my FIL to allow my D back once he has control of her in another state and that will cause a big problem with my W. Oh, well, another day another problem. As to "this is what my W is thinking or feeling" then why the change in her idea's as what we should be doing the day after he arrived? Look, I get she is able to think for herself, make up her own mind, etc. It's just as soon as we come to some sort of arrangement, she states her position and it changes on a dime and the only thing different (no talks, no fights, hardly any interaction between us)is he now is in town. She even told me he changed her mind about the lawyer and "made" her go. Yes, after she was "glad" he did but she wouldn't have gone unless he injected himself in the sitch. This is a woman who has suddenly started to believe in horoscopes in the last 6 months! She is looking for any answer to what she should do, of course her father can influence her. And I know once he does and she changes her mind, that is how she really feels at that time.

I'm not blaming my FIL for my D, I blame him for speeding up the whole thing and pushing things along for his own selfish reasons. Doesn't matter at this point as I really don't care what my W thinks or says about sending my D away where she doesn't want to go, out of state for an indeterminate amount of time when I'm having custody issues with her. Like everyone says, can't fight crazy, can't talk to crazy and I certainly can't TRUST crazy to do what's best or take my thoughts about what is best into account. One of the reasons you actually try and not just end a marriage especially when kids are involved (in my opinion) is that you lose a certain amount of control over their lives. She thinks our D should have a relationship with her GF, I disagree. Unless she is willing to kidnap her and spirit her off out of state in the night, that is just something she can't decide on her own.

If how she is "really truly feeling" changes moment to moment or depending on who she last spoke to then why bother trying to come to some sort of agreement on anything? She has a right to feel any way she wants for any reason she wants. Those reasons don't have to make sense to me or even be based on anything that actually happened. I pin that on the fact that she has no objective reason, no actual event she can say for why she feels the way she does. If she could say "I feel that way because you said or did _____" that would be very different. As far as being "absolutely sure" about any of this? Absolutely not! That is MY feeling which I have as much right to have as any she has. If she wants to blame me for things that she says in the same breath "I know that wasn't your fault", I can call it a rationalization based on my reading of the same thing. Nothing more. Maybe true, maybe not, just what I think.

I'm getting that I no longer can expect my W to tell me the truth, do what she says she will, not do what she says she won't, keep a single thought or feeling about anything for more than 24 hours (24 min.'s?), be able to tell me why she feels something about me (or doesn't)or what she wants to do, what she thinks is best for our D and it stick for very long. This is good. This is me facing that the only thing I CAN do is what I feel is best for myself and my D's. I truly believe that she is rationalizing based on my observations. It may not matter except that is what I choose to think as it doesn't change what I need to do in any given sitch.

I see what you are saying here Wonk, I do. You want to hear positive about what I am going to do? I am now certain that I can't expect my W to be able to do what she promises in any sitch from our M to the kids. I do get my W has every right to do whatever she wants when it comes to her life or our M, to feel whatever way she likes, whether I like it or not. But she does not have the right to make decisions about what is best for our D's without my input and certainly not send them away.

I have reread a lot of my posts and I can see where cat and others are coming from. I even understand how you don't see how my FIL has anything to do with any of this and at a certain level he is just a catalyst that is speeding up the process that may have been the outcome all along. I know she wants what she wants in the end. And she can have whatever she wants except my just letting her do whatever SHE feels at any given moment is "best" for our D if I don't agree. There's positive forward movement. I have now given up any hope that my M will survive, in any form and will proceed accordingly. I really think that's progress.

I still feel for my W. I know she must be hurting, I know she is unhappy, unsure of what her future holds and feels she must move, must do something that changes her bad feelings. This much she has told me. I hate that she has decided that what she must do will hurt so many of the people I love the most in this world but that is her decision. I need to just do whatever I think is best and if that means stopping her from doing things she wants that I can't allow with our D's, she will have to deal with that in whatever way she thinks is right.

Thanks Wonka. I really know you are trying to help and I do understand what you are saying. I just have to decide how I will deal with a sitch that I never wanted and never thought I would have to deal with.