Had a nice weekend, even though it wasn't my time with the kids. I gave H last night and tonight with the kids since he was out of town all last week. I want to do the right thing even if it isn't necessarily what I feel like doing. The kids miss their dad and fortunately he spent most of the weekend sans OW so they got some real time with their dad.
D had a soccer game on Saturday and had her recital that night. She did so wonderfully. H dropped her off with me early and I did her hair and makeup for the recital. She didn't even look at her teacher for off-stage direction. She was animated and knew all the steps and fully engaged the audience. Such a lil pro. H and I even got along for the performance and the reception afterward. We sat at a table with S's girlfriend and her family so it was less awkward.
S had a soccer game yesterday near the WI-IL border. Quite a haul, but his team won so it was worth the drive to see that. I got to see S at church yesterday since H let him go to the first service. D didn't get to go, because apparently she was giving H an attitude. H told S the reason he doesn't like to go to the first service isn't to avoid me, but because D is grumpy in the morning and doesn't like to deal with her.
It is so hard when the kids aren't with me because I don't have anything distracting me from what is going on inside. I do have good days and the bad days are farther between, but today is a not so good day. My money situation is okay, but I am having an anxiety attack. I have meds for that, but sometimes I think they aren't strong enough. I stopped going to my counselor until I get some bills paid down and it started feeling like our discussions were becoming rather repetitive. I still struggle with feeling inferior because I am on my own. I know it isn't true, but that feeling sneaks in occasionally. I don't need the 2x4s, but I need to work through it and not just pretend it isn't there.
And...at the risk of becoming a broken record, I am so ready to move on. The end of the week is the contempt hearing. Next week we meet with the financial mediator. NOT looking forward to either one. But I can't bury my head in the sand. I just wish it was over and I am starting to think it will never be over.
Funny how at the beginning of this journey I was begging God to stop this divorce and now I can't wait for it to be done!
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
