Thanks Wonka and I only think you're an Ashat when you probably say something I should be listening to!
You're right about finding the fuel. That makes sense since just 5 days before her father got here, things were so much more reasonable to her. No hurry to get a D, we both want what's best for the kids, she saw that my parents weren't being awful to her and that I hadn't bad mouthed her to them. I was being supportive and let her know that I knew she was able to take care of herself and our D's on her own if she had to (somehow, probably because of something I said on B-day, she thought I didn't think she would be able to take care of herself), the fact that I didn't get upset over the bank account she opened in secret (she knew I didn't like her hiding it from me), I made sure she was included in every way possible when my parents visited and during my D's graduation. All good things that put me in a good light. Of course she wanted to change that. It didn't jive with the evil person she wants me to be so she can rationalize deciding to end a 20 year marriage and hurt the kids.
I will admit that right now I'm feeling down on myself because I should really not be in the position where I'm not making enough money to send my D anywhere she wants for school, with or without my W's help. I was able to do that for many years for both kids when she wasn't working and it hurts me that I'm not able to do so now. If I had had any idea that my W would do this I wouldn't have started working at a start-up and relying on W's income. So, that is a big old button that she can use to get me upset and I need to stop letting that get to me!
I hear her saying that her dad never did the things that for years, she would cry to me about whenever she saw or heard from him. That he is now such a good guy and it's not HER that he has a problem with but ME. That all these years he wanted to be a part of her life but hated me so much he couldn't allow her into his life if it included me.(never said anything like this until now, when she is having an MLC) When I asked why he would hate me so much as I never did anything to him, she said it was because I asked him for money when we got married to help pay for the wedding and I didn't know him so I had no right! Really? That her brother (who was arrested once again over the weekend) told him that I was doing bad things (again, 20 years ago)and he didn't like that. Doesn't matter that for the last 20 years I've been a good husband and father and any father that would exclude his D from his life because of her choice of H when that person has done nothing but be a good husband is wrong to do that. It doesn't matter that his awful treatment of her started LONG before I even met her! Went on before we were married and I hadn't even met the man. So, if I look at this objectively, I KNOW this is bull and just a justification on both his and her part for bad behavior or a reason to not even try and work on saving her marriage.
The other side of her family who I have seen and spent holidays with and gone on visits who really know me, all think highly of me. Love me even but she only wants to listen to what her father says about me. Again, this tells me that she is using this as a rationalization for wanting out. A reason when she can't find a real reason she should feel the way she does.
I need to look at these things and instead of getting upset see them for what they are, fuel to keep her going in the direction she has chosen no matter what.
I WILL stop resisting her. I will no longer let anything get under my skin. I WON'T allow her to drag me into long talks or push my buttons. Thanks Wonka.
