I have been thinking the past couple of nights, that my ex's big issue is a problem with responsibility.
He never had to take responsibility for anything. He just... rolled along in life, you know? Finished high school, started working, lived with his parents till I let him move for free in my house, all furnished and ready. I handled bills and bureaucratic stuff and everything.
I had to grow up because of all the crap happening in my family. I didn't want to, but I was dragged through it kicking and screaming and I could either crumble or emerge stronger, and I did the latter. And now I find myself in the same position having to face his actions. Again, I didn't want to be in this situation, but I am and I will make the best of it, because that's how you survive.
In the past 5/6 years I did a lot. Moved abroad, graduated, started a career, made a lot of friends who love me and respect me. He did nothing - just kept living just like when he was 16. He dropped all his friends who 'grew up' and only hangs out with immature losers. Quite pathetic, to be honest. But he had goals, things he hoped to achieve, and he never did anything to achieve them and now he has to face that.
He never had to be responsible for anything or anyone. His old boss still owes him a lot of money and he won't even take action about that because it's too much effort. He can't take responsibility for having a newborn niece and deal with the fact that his family is changing. I was dealing with the fallout of my stepfather's addiction while living with him and he did NOTHING to help me, just avoided the whole thing. My grandmother was in hospital dying and he didn't even think of asking me how she was. He came to the funeral and it was like he wasn't even there. I was left alone to deal with it all even though he was right there because he couldn't take an ounce of responsibility and be a support for me in a moment of need.
He can't even take responsibility for the fact that he's an adult and we were now living together; he's not paying the bills he still owes me, he's not handling anything, just shoving his head under the sand even deeper. He can't own up to what he's done. My grandmother welcomed him in the family like a son, prepared him his favourite meals, always invited him around, and he can't even man up and say goodbye to her. We talked about end of life wishes shortly before his freak out and he completely avoided the conversation, couldn't even think about it.
So what now? Is he going to keep acting like an irresponsible teenager till he's 50, hanging out with his loser friends talking about high school while all his other friends move on in life, starting families, building careers? He might well do that, but how sad is it?
Looking back now, I can see the red flags in his behaviour. We all believed he was a together, reliable, mature individual; but it's because he was never, not once put to the test in his life. I thought he hang out with those guys because he cared about them even though they were failed losers, but now I realize... he's just as stupid and immature as they are, and I've been fooling myself all along.
If he couldn't even handle something so simple, what if we'd been in a situation where I really needed his support? What if I'd been pregnant, or we had a sick baby, or if I'd been ill? He would have just bolted, leaving me hanging. What an immature, irresponsible coward.
There's nothing like being stabbed in the back and seeing the truth about a person to make you fall out of love with them. I'm mourning the illusion I had of our future together, but I see the truth now, and I see he's not big loss.
Part of me hopes he will grow up and grow a spine and learn to take responsibility for his life, but I'm not counting on it at all. Why should he? He might as well roll on as he's doing till he's a sad 50 year old man child still pretending he's going to be a rockstar someday. I'm not even angry at the moment, I'm just feeling very... disappointed, and vaguely disgusted. He's a pitiful human, and the one thing he had going for him - his honesty, his integrity - is gone. He has nothing left. He is nothing. And I don't know why I settled for someone like that for so long. Maybe he gave me security in a moment when I needed it. But I've grown, and life is hard, and this is not a person I need by my side. Nobody needs a person like this.
I used to envy him for the sheltered life he had, but now I don't anymore, because look what he's turned out into. At least the disgraces have made me into a strong adult, and now I find myself here having to hold up my friend during the most difficult time of his life, and I am strong enough to do it. I don't run away when things get tough. I'm able to help myself and help others. People can rely on me.
And if and when I'll see him again, the one thing I will tell him is to grow a goddamn spine and go apologise to my grandmother for the way he treated her. And then disappear and carry on with his pitiful small life. Life will put him to the test someday, and that day he will crumble. Hopefully someday he will open his eyes, but it's a little late to grow up, now.
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
