Now she wants to send my D 1000 miles away to be with a man she knows has hurt her (but she now says that he has changed yet she is the only one to see it). What if she or her father don't like the custody arrangements? How do I know he won't keep her as she will be out of our home state if she doesn't like what the court comes up with? This is a man who was wanted in my W's home state for years for non payment of CS.
Simply put...
IF your Daughter doesn't want to go, then the answer is no...
Not maybe, not we will see...
Simply put....
I have asked her, and she does not want to go...
And I support HER decision with that...
Don't blame her for what she wants, don't belittle her decision, accept it as HER truth right now....
Don't include YOUR thoughts, only that you are supporting your Daughter's decisions...
Man, you keep sticking those buttons out there for her to push, and she is going to each time that you present them....
Originally Posted By: Matt165
Cat, I do take responsibility for my part. I just don't get what I did that was so terrible and my W can't tell me except the stupid stuff she comes up with. What do you suggest? I haven't been able to get her to come up with anything but stuff from 20 years ago and that she doesn't trust me now to not turn her kids against her. I didn't do anything that would in the least be thought of as a reason not to "trust" me!
I know you are trying to help but when I get "I knew I should have listened to everyone who keeps saying you will be horrible. I didn't think so but now I do" because I don't want to send her away with her dad, how does that put any responsibility on me? I keep hearing her say over and over that she was afraid this would happen or that would happen how am I responsible for her unfounded fears? She needs to wait until we work out our arrangements for D and custody before she starts pushing for something she knows I will never want!
I know you trying to help and get me to understand how I played a part in the ending of our marriage and I know there has to be more as well as you do. But if I can't get her to tell anything but the small things or to blame me for every problem we ever had over the years, what do I need to do?
This is what MLC is .....
Her statements and reasons DO NOT have to be valid to you...
Yet they are VERY real and valid to her..
The reason that we say to address the things that "sting", is because if you tried to address EVERY complaint of the MLCer, you would drive yourself crazy...
You DO NOT try to fix all of them...just the "sting things", because those are the ones that YOU do not like about yourself....
I have this analogy, and you may have seen this before (if you have read my posts)....
The stronger that you become, and the more that you become like your old self, the more that the MLCer will try to find buttons to push on you, and the harder that they will have to try to justify their reasons for wanting out of the marriage...
Kind of like the Space Shuttle has the two big booster tanks for fuel during takeoff...
Once it lifts off, and goes into orbit, the less fuel that it uses...
The same aspect applies to your MLCer, she NEEDS that fuel to push away from you, and she NEEDS to villian-ize you in order for HER CHOICES to be just, and seem rational. She needs them to be rational in order to escape judgement from the people who she sees as peers to her......
I see you struggling with making sense to all of this...
It's just not gonna for now, and it may never make sense.
And I know that you see me as some asshat, that likes to bash you on the noggin for no reason....and if that is what you wanna see for now, then I am okay with that....
Although, I read your posts, and I see a guy that is trying to apply logic to this, and having to have a valid reason of why she is "doing" this, or making these choices....
I see these long posts, trying to explain yourself, and thinking that if you just give this last reason, then they will understand me better, or the situation better...
Matt, I get it, Cat gets it, T2 gets it, Wonka, AJM, UrWorthy gets it....
I'm not diminishing your pain at all by saying that to you, it is just the facts...
And what you are actually accomplishing, is that you are making excuses for not detaching from her, the situation, and holding yourself back from moving forward with YOUR life, and your Daughter's lives...
NOTHING in MLC makes sense..
Everything true and valid is no longer held with the same vigor that it once had...
Vows become disposable, and morals become obsolete..
The Marriage becomes a causality..
Because whether or not you want this, the old marriage is dead and gone....no longer to be...
Even IF you would reconcile, what you once had, would begin anew...
That is a very real possibility too...
Your goal should be to back away, and to make the best decisions possible...every day...
You move forward with YOUR life, not including her, and to outlast her MLC....
Right now, I really see you accepting everything else that she is saying, as absolute truth, EXCEPT the fact that this is MLC....
