With All My Hopes and Dreams

[soldier]

Well it has been a few days now so I thought I would post. I have been almost completely silent with my W for the last entire week from Mother’s Day to today. Our only exposure was a school function for D5 in which we shared no more than 30 words for the entire 3 hour event. She never reached out to me about the lunch she said might be nice so I let it go. So now I am starting another week of silence and it is surely killing me. Often times it is just me here at the house and it is lonely. I am thankful for the weeks when I have my daughter here as it offers some comfort from the loneliness but this is only for a week at a time. I feel more like my wife is being silent to me than the other way around.

I am GALing so much that I am running out of things to do and these also offer distraction but not comfort. I am hitting up my fighting classes 3 days this week and running 2 days and doing yoga 4 days. I have a lunch planned with my brother and some pants shopping as well. I have some stuff around the house planned as it is falling behind a bit and this will probably fill my entire week along with my master’s class and self-help reading/note taking. There are not enough hours in the day. My sister keeps reminding me that W has not yet filled for D and that I should be thankful but I miss her so much and she really is my best friend.

Ok enough of my venting and sadness. I guess I will concentrate on my working out hard this week and really try to destroy my body some. I know this sounds bad but I actually enjoy this feeling as it reminds me of when I was still in the military. I have hit a plateau with my weight loss which is to be expected as I am building quite a bit of muscle mass. It is still coming off but it has slowed down considerable. This is ok to me because my body looks and feels overall better. I went to the big and tall store the other day for pants and could not get them there as they did not carry my size. My size was too small and they said I would need to go to a regular retail store for that small a waist. This made me feel good.

I am still waiting for full permissions to the MEVAC forums I talked about. I really want to read through that good material and start what the call a daily regiment but have not been able to get the access yet. I really hope it comes in the week. I am so excited about finally being able to understand why I fail at relationships and maybe even with much hard work being able to get rid of some or all of this weight that I keep holding onto.

I am half way through the book “Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You”. I have found this to be a really eye opening book for me as I do feel that I have a controlling personality and have been verbally abusive to my W. This book focuses largely on explaining how this behavior comes about and how we can be disconnected or “built backwards” in the way that we handle relationships. If anyone does read this book then when they get to the teddy bear example the within it they will know what I am talking about but suffice it to say that this example hit really close to home for me and how I treated my W.