New here - H's MLC hit like a ton of bricks

[daring]

Hi LN-

Thanks for commenting on my thread- it really helps to have the support.
You sound like you are doing well and taking care of yourself.
Sending hugs and strength your way- wishing so much this was a 5k and not a marathon but hoping for great bling at the end!! 😊

[Ggrass]

Maybe pay the neighbourhood teens to mow and help with the garden. You can teach them some gardening skills, keeps them busy and they earn $. But cheaper than a mower man too.

[LiveNow]

Thanks Daring and Ggrass. H finally showed up and cut the lawn yesterday (while I was at work).

Now something new has come up. FYI - quick background. 1 month ago he said he wants to 'end the marriage' (something he's already basically said -- just using different words -- at least 4 times since last June). And he asked whether I thought mediation was an option for us. I said I would think about it and let him know. I let about a month go by and e-mailed, saying it didn't matter to me which method we use because the end result would be the same (we would be divorced). He replied saying he would 'find a mediator in our area.' This was 1 week ago. If he wants D, I'm forcing him to do the work.

Since I found out about OW (Feb.), his monthly credit card bill has increased each month. (The bill comes here to the house, I do not open it, and he generally pays it online, so I do not see the charges.) This month, the bill was larger than what he makes in 1 month, so basically, he is not really contributing to household bills anymore (I am still in the house, we have another house, and he currently lives with sister for free), with this kind of spending. I know this forum is not for legal advice (and I have not yet retained an attorney), but what on earth do I do if this continues?

I am trying not to say anything -- this would be a 180 for me because I was always hesitant to spend money in the past on things that weren't 'necessary' (but to a degree, so was he -- always a responsible spender). This is 3 months in a row now of LARGE credit card bills for him. This last (huge) bill (hardcopy) is sitting in the kitchen unopened. I am SO tempted to open it and find out where all our money is going, once and for all. This would also tell me how involved he really is with OW - I do know they are still involved, and I think it's getting more so lately, but that's just my feeling, judging by how much more detached he is getting - less and less contact recently.

I know this is snooping - but he is now spending MY money too. What to do? Right now, his paycheck still goes into our household account automatically.

God help me maintain my sanity in this...don't know how much longer I can take the limbo.

[LiveNow]

Or, is this the part where I just keep my mouth shut because he is acting like a rebellious teenager (which he never was), trying to push my buttons and get me even more angry with him?? I am really thinking he is (consciously or subconsciously) trying to make me so angry that I will take the initiative and file for divorce. He has never, ever wanted to be seen as the 'bad guy' -- I'm beginning to see that this must be really important to him.

[LiveNow]

H e-mailed this afternoon with an explanation for the huge bill (it makes sense - I know that he did not spend all of it himself). But, the remainder of the bill (not included in the portion he explained) is STILL larger than one of his 2 paychecks for the month! So, keep my mouth shut so he gets no reaction from me? Man, I have far better things to do with my life than think/wonder about my freakin' bank account!!! Hope everyone is having a good day.

[owl777]

I would keep all the records so if it comes to him paying you back you have documentation. My MLC or runaway WAS or whatever he is didn't work for a year, nor get a job, and I paid his personal bills (we agreed prior to marriage we'd pay our own bills out of our own accounts)and well I thought I was helping since he was jobless and just lost his mother 8 mths prior. Anyway, he left me with a load of his debt. Watch out! They are irrational and you need to protect yourself. Many of us here have seen S act like total strangers.

[LiveNow]

Thanks Owl. Oh he is a total stranger, alright. I truly do not know who I am married to now. Makes me sad to think that good, kind person is gone...Attorney did tell me that he can get all of my H's credit card records for at least the past year. If we do get to the D, I will get back half of what he has been spending on trips to see OW, and all related expenses. Our credit cards have always been separate but bank accounts still joint.

[LiveNow]

Saw my financial advisor today. One thing to keep in mind...I have a 401K account, with H as my beneficiary. If H actually DOES set this D in motion, I will be changing the beneficiary to my sister immediately. No notification to H will be necessary. Just something he pointed out. Good to know. Been getting my ducks in a row, just in case. And just rearranging my thinking a little bit, to mentally prepare if D process begins. Most days now, I am feeling more positive, but I still have my down days/times. This long holiday weekend might be challenging. I only have one thing scheduled to do tomorrow evening, with friends. So I thought I might go bike riding, paddle boarding, and some sunning/reading. Nice way to kick off summer...

[LiveNow]

Made good on my GAL plans for today - biked about 14 miles, and then took out my new paddleboard. Perfect day for it. Sunburn to show for it, too! But, all this alone time makes me start obsessing about OW. I am fairly certain H is with her again this weekend, like most weekends. Takes out $$$ on Fridays, and leaves town. How do you all NOT think about this??? Some days it IS easier not to, but when I don't have lots of plans and some idle free time, like today and yesterday, it just starts to CONSUME me. I mostly do ok, but boy, this weekend really was tough. (Still is.) We are basically NC now. Only communicate via e-mail, and only when it's necessary (about our house, finances, etc.). This isn't very often, maybe once every couple of weeks.

It has now been about 6 weeks since he said he wanted to 'end the marriage' (like he's been telling me since July 2013). Said he will 'find a mediator in our area' about 2 weeks ago. Still haven't heard anything. And after almost 1 year, he is STILL living at his sister's house -- a 55-year-old man! I don't think I could stand that! And he complained about being 'homeless' in January - and I almost let him move back in right before I found out about OW. God, what a mess. If this is really going to happen, we have 2 houses to sell, a piece of property and accounts to divide up. Nothing is for sale, and our finances are exactly the same as they were a year ago at BD.

Anyone care to weigh in? <Sigh> So dead tired of it all. It's wearing me out, and I look like it too. It's really taken a toll on me. I feel like I'm approaching another point where I have to DO something. Nothing ever changes unless I - yes ME - DO something. Praying for strength and patience today...

[LiveNow]

Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of the BD, and Thursday is my 21-year anniversary (well, 20 + 1 apart). I actually have no plans for either day (except a yoga class), and I am ok with that. I don't think this week will be any more difficult than I've already been through. There are no more all-out crying episodes now, and more good days than bad. I am keeping busy, and planning a 10-day trip this summer out west to visit with family. I am feeling pretty good about my progress over the last year, if I do say so myself. I really feel like I have a better life than he does at the moment.

H has resurfaced - mainly because he has to cut the lawn. Generally, I try not to be here. I came home last Thursday to find he was still finishing up the lawn. He came in to talk afterward, and proceeded to talk my ear off for 20 minutes non-stop about himself, his job, and his job search (nothing yet). Really, absolutely nothing seems to have changed with him over the past year. He seems very stuck in the same place - and still no therapy. And, no more mention of a mediator or 'ending the marriage.' That was almost 2 months ago now, and no movement. He always seems to have excuses. I also no longer want a hug or anything at all when he leaves. No desire whatsoever. That just stopped one day in March when he just went too far with his ridiculousness. I just see him in a different, and not-so-flattering light. He has also gained about 25 lbs since last year, at least. Sad thing is, he still tells me about anytime someone else says something good about him. So weird because I never thought of him as anything but confident. And I always had alot of confidence in him too. SO weird.

I have stopped looking at FB. I would really rather not know anything more about OW. My friends have assured me they will let me know if there is something I MUST know, and they always let me know that, from the looks of it, she is very insecure and in need of constant affirmation of some sort -- with all her posting and posing. (gag)

Had a strange dream last night, that I was spending the night in my own house, and the OW and her 2 young kids were staying here also, but H was nowhere to be found. He just 'put her up' here at our house, with me in it. I woke up thanking God it was just a dream. (gag again)

This MLC thing sure is getting boring. But hey, I think I'd rather have boring than some of the other situations I have read about. We are a strong group, aren't we? I just keep db'ing, to the best of my ability, which isn't much to speak of some days...