Roller coaster and then some

[Italian]

Yeah... the hard bit is trying to focus on ourselves, I suppose. I mean, even with the best intentions, I'm seeing how hard it is to actually stop thinking about it and do it!

A big hug. You're not alone.

[daring]

Having a really down day today. Went to IC yesterday and felt ok when telling her about everything- like I was handling it pretty well- and she agreed.

But when I got home I felt "off". Even H asked if I was ok. He is also very down, confused about his work which he is very unhappy at. He seems to really be cycling lately after a pretty positive few weeks.

S16 is also being treated for depression and having a rough week.

I'm exercising and eating healthy but not sleeping well and my work is really busy.

So I'll just hang in there and know that this too shall pass....

[daring]

I feel like I am in the twilight zone...... Which I realize is just another word for MLC!

After declaring he wants to finalize divorce etc over the weekend and after some very emotional conversations Sunday and Monday, H has been quite distant. He is very unhappy at work and dealing with a lot there. I have just been " doing my own thing".

He went to IC last night and came home in a weird but positive mood. Our oldest came home from college for the summer and he was really happy about that ( the reality of our son leaving for college last year was very hard for H).
So this morning H walks over to me and says- " my distance the last couple if days is all me, not you". I said ok- I'm not really expecting anything. He said he was expecting things of himself. I said if the plan is for you to move on and live your life and me to do the same than that's what I plan for. He said he still wants to " do right by me". He also said his IC told him how unfair he was being to me with all the back and forth, and that he realized it but hearing it made him think even more.

So then I left for work and cried the whole drive. WTF?! I don't know why I'm such a mess- it's not like I haven't been dealing with this for months. But I am emotional and irritated about it all right now. Yuck! I need to get back to GAL....

[ForeverYoung]

All par for the course, daring. H and you both will vacillate back and forth, up and down. The trick for you is to not ride on his roller coaster. Continue to work on yourself, GAL, PMA, and allow him to do the same. Soon you will find yourself holding (relatively) steady while H bounces in search of The Big Answers.

I truly believe that when we DB properly, we can sometimes lead the way for them. And I'd say you definitely have that opportunity because...

H realizes the issues are mostly him, not you. This is a huge first step. Another positive for you guys. Doesn't mean it won't still take some time... better pack a lunch!

Also, show him you're not expecting any quick resolutions here. That you're comfortable enough to put the M on hold for a bit. This will take the pressure off him to find closure "for you".

[daring]

FY- thanks as always for reminding me of the positives! I'm a glass half full kind of person but in the thick of it I sometimes get carried away on the roller coaster.....

Other recent positives-
Yesterday roses delivered for Mother's Day. I said thank you and he said thanks for being such a great mom to our kids. This is meaningful for me as when he was in his " mean MLC mode" 2 yrs ago he would talk about how I wasn't being a good mom b/c I was working so much.
Went on our night out last night to a hockey game together. He said he knows it's weird but thank you for going out with him. Then is looking at me wistfully and says he wants to find time to do this more often, but he knows if things keep going the way they are it's less likely. Then says again- I want to try to find a way to do this still.
At home he was clearly interested in more intimacy and we ML. I know I said it was a boundary- and I'm trying but not doing well at that. On the flip side- H's LL is physical touch and I see some serious connection happening ( without giving more details there is more kissing and feeling of true intimacy rather than just sex).
I see that he clearly doesn't want to lose me but is still very overwhelmed and in pain.
Trying to continue to lovingly detach but remain hopeful. He travels this week and while sometimes that makes him more distant I am looking forward to letting my guard down for a few days and just relaxing!!

Happy Mother's Day to all in DB land!!

[daring]

Some things I've been thinking about.....
I've learned what my main cheese less tunnel is- talking about something related to our relationship that hurts me.
The first " I want a D" bomb happened after I was really bothered by his behavior and talked to him about it. I had no understanding of MLC it DR at that time but learned all I could real quick.
The second time most recently that he said that was after I was upset about an R conversation we had ( that he initiated) and that he was still holding on to a score keeping mentality. I think I just got too comfortable thinking things were better and he was getting better.
Ok - got it- need to treat him like a friend but can't share any hurts related to him- it's too much for him to feel like he's hurting me more.

So on to my next issue right now- he traveled last week and called me every night and even one morning just to check in. Said it was hard being by himself as he focuses on the wrong things and is looking forward to getting back home.
All that is very good I know. But I am feeling irritated and frustrated with him and I'm frustrated with myself for this.
It's like I'm going back through the anger stage again- ugggh!!
I'm also very stressed about some tax issues we have to resolve and some things at work so maybe that's it. But I have got to figure this out because he knows me so well he picks up on every little nuance of my behavior. Luckily I'm away this weekend with my daughter at an event so I've had downtime.
I feel like I am going to have to be a great actress- and at the same time figure out the source of this frustration quick!

[daring]

So he texted me just now that he was glad I was having a good time and to spend time talking with our daughter about "us" as she asks him sometimes but won't engage. I said I don't know that there's much to add right now but I'll check. Then he launches into how I should just reassure her we will always put her ( and other kids) first no matter what happens with "us". ( he actually put the word us in parentheses). I said I didn't think it was necessary to bring it up to her after an enjoyable weekend unless she wants to talk about it- and he says ok I trust your judgement. Then he asks if he ruined my weekend by bringing it up and I said no. Which is true- my weekend isn't ruined but I am definitely upset!

Clearly I have not detached enough in the manner I should because I just want to tell him to GTFO of my house and go away and leave me alone and stop dangling me on this f'ing yo yo! He wants to spend time together, wants to ML, calls me every night when traveling but now talks like this. I cannot deal anymore!
I hear from so many people and read so many times that a sitch often turns around just as you are about to give up, and I don't want to give up but I'm just so tired of all of this! And I haven't been this emotional in awhile but I am sitting here crying and angry and hurt and over it.
I feel bad saying that b/c I know my situation is not nearly as bad as many and has not gone on as long- but I just feel emotionally exhausted!

[LiveNow]

Hang in there Daring. Yes, that can happen -- I always liked the saying 'it's always darkest before the dawn.' You really don't know what's around that next corner. You still have some things going for the two of you. My H has almost totally disappeared now, so there are very, very few opportunities to interact. You still have those, so that's a good thing. But only you will know when you have truly had enough. I had many days like the one above that you described, and in hindsight, I wished I would have been just a TINY bit more patient, even tho that seems almost impossible sometimes! Not that he deserved my patience! Dig deep -- you can find it if you want to.

[daring]

Well, I am now on notice number 3 that he feels he needs to proceed with divorce. H went to IC today and has again come to this conclusion. Each time he seems to delve more into opening up about the hurt he has and how he feels he can't move forward without starting over.
He wants to be with me, said he loves me ( several times) and that I'm the one he wants. But he can't "let go". He feels like he needs to believe I want to be with him because I want him and not because I am afraid to lose him.
It seems like he's punishing himself or trying to create what he thinks he deserves. He talks about needing to make everything up to me and realizing how stupid he is being and how unhealthy he really is.
It is all so bizarre.
I listened and validated as much as I could. I really felt compassion for the pain he is in and showed that openly. By the same token- When he asked if he could still come over to spend time with the kids at our house I said I don't know. Then he said I understand you will need to push me away. I told him it seems like that's what he's trying to force me to do. And that I will make the decision based on how I feel at the time but I'm not going to assume that by D he's going to suddenly be healthy enough for a relationship.
I know it's not over until the papers are signed, or even until a spouse remarries. But I hate that I and especially my kids have to go through all of this pain if the relationship is going to survive in the end. I really do believe we are meant to be together- but I don't know if he can find his way out of this self loathing.
He did thank me at the end of te night for listening and "being me".
There is so much hope here and yet I fear I am in the midst of a Shakespeare tragedy.
Giving it to God......

[ForeverYoung]

Well, I am now on notice number 3 that he feels he needs to proceed with divorce. H went to IC today and has again come to this conclusion.

Don't fear D. It may never come to that, but even if it does you will be ok. Even better than ok. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it's true.

The more you fear D, the more H will sense it and feel the need to continue to pull away from you. He doesn't want to be responsible for your happiness... or your pain. You can relieve him of this fear he has right now by showing him that you hear him, and have let him go. It's the best thing you can do for your M right now.

He feels like he needs to believe I want to be with him because I want him and not because I am afraid to lose him.

This is normal. We all desire to be wanted, but dislike being "needed". You can ease his feelings by pulling back and showing him that you in fact don't "need" him. You show him that you are independent, strong, and happy on your own. GAL, PMA and all that.

It seems like he's punishing himself or trying to create what he thinks he deserves. He talks about needing to make everything up to me and realizing how stupid he is being and how unhealthy he really is.
It is all so bizarre.

He doesn't know what he wants, and won't for a while. Honestly, you shouldn't even want him back until he figures himself out. He knows he's messed up right now. Strength and confidence is attractive. You need to be the rock. This is why you work on YOU. He will notice.

You are doing great, daring. Keep it up... you can do this!