"Seeing" Both Possible Futures!

[S4tk]

It's been several months since I was here... I've been accepting things more and just trying to live with the reality of W's choices. She hasn't wavered in 10 months since bomb drop.

She ended up moving out 2 weeks ago. About a month ago, we had agreed theoretically on a shared custody schedule. She then expressed concern with whether it was appropriate for our young children (D6 and S2).

At that point, she was only willing to consider 5-2 at the best (where they sleep at her place 5 nights a week and my place 2 nights a week, but I have frequent access to them the other days). Her two reasons for this are the consistent sleeping environment for children so young, and the attachment-based idea of them needing their mom right now at this point in their development, especially S2.

I then insisted on at least 4-3, and we could not agree. She mentioned lawyers. At that point, I asked her if we could talk with a third person about this.

We talked with a third person, a mutually-trusted friend who is a counselor. This third person suggested we experiment with 4-3. I thought we left the conversation agreeing on this. A few days later, W said she still didn't like 4-3 and angrily insisted on 5-2. I held my ground and she said "fine" and left.

Last week, we did 4-3. This week is S2's birthday and we exchanged a series of texts about this...

W: I wanted the kids to sleep here Wednesday so he could wake up here in his bday morning (it will be 5-2 this week)...And then you can pick them up after lunch. Friday I was thinking we could go to [local kids' play place] in the morning??? It's crazy to go there in the wkd.

Me: That's all fine. I can see if [cousin] can come Friday to [playplace]. And it's a good idea to let them stay Wednesday night so he can have time with you Thursday morning. In that case, I can have them stay Saturday night too and bring them back after church Sunday.

W: No i meant we can do 5-2 this week...I'm off this Saturday...it's Memorial Day weekend.

Me: I am fine with adapting to birthdays and holidays but would prefer, when we do that kind of thing, that we "trade" days instead of just making it 5-2.

W: Well I hear you. I really wanted to do 5-2 all the time; instead we are doing what you suggested.




So, I haven't responded to her last text. Here are the thoughts/fears in my hear:

* I am worried about setting precedent where we just revert to 5-2 any week where there is something weird about the schedule.

* BUT... she has mentioned lawyers and based on the books I'm reading, I really would prefer to not have an angry lawyer-filled legal battle about kids or finances. The reality is that if we go that direction, I'm fearful that based on the state we live in, and the legal advice I have received, 5-2 or worse could be the result.

I feel handcuffed. If I hold my ground, I anger W and risk a legal remedy which I fear is even worse. On the other hand, if I let it go, I am playing by her non-negotiable rules.

The angry part of me says, "She left me (cheated, lied, blames me for it all), why should I even have to live one night without the kids?" The what's-best-for-the-kids part of me says, "Maybe this isn't the hill I want to fight and die upon, if I want to avoid a legal battle where my rights as a father may be denied even more."

This really is sad for all of us involved.