Wife in MLC and getting ready to go #2

[cat04]

It really wasn't my fault but of course it was totally my fault because I allowed myself to get drawn into her awfulness. I should have been stronger, ignored her, but instead I let how I feel about the way she is acting at this point in time get to me.

Yes this was your first mistake because you are not detatched.

You don't necessarily have to ignore them. These conversations can be good because it gives us insight and if approached correctly, with listening and validation, we can show our changes.

It started when, after all the missing our D's grad events, the trying to send her away, all that I have posted about, she found another way to screw her and me.

Do you really think your W is intentionally trying to screw you or your children? I don't think you are seeing the bigger picture here. One thing I learned through this is that they often feel that are doing what needs to be done for them and they don't have the intention to "screw" anyone.

About half an hour before we were going to leave, my W texts and offers to bring bottles of water from the store so I don't have to pick some up. OK, that would be nice. Well we wait for over an hour and still no W.

I have to say that I am not clear why you waited so long before you texted your W. She was trying to do something nice. This was clearly poor communication on both of your parts.

While it would be nice for your W to accept her role in this, I would like to see you accept YOUR role in it instead of just placing blame and harboring anger at her.

I say why with her dad, why not with me if she thinks all is so easy. Why not tell me she was going once she knew and this way she wouldn't be hiding it from me?

I am going to burst this bubble and answer this for your W.

I don't know anyone who has considered D take their S with them to the consultation with the lawyer. That is just not how it is done. Regardless of how easy it might be.

And more often than not, the appointment happens and then it gets discussed.

Matt, she is trying to separate her life from yours. She is going to do things on her own. She isn't hiding things from you because in her mind, you aren't entitled to know everything in her life anymore.

With your angry rant, you pushed her to say some of the things that she said. Whether she actually believes them or meant them is still to be seen. However, when backed into a corner, people will often come out swinging.

She also said that when she wants to talk about our R all I say is "If you're unhappy, it's not because of me or our marriage" and that she wants to get me a T-shirt that says this. I started saying that when every time I made a change she asked for she would say "I shouldn't have had to ask for a D before you would do something". What am I supposed to say?

What I bolded is very familiar to me and I really wanted to point this out to you.

I can believe that you actually said this to your W and I think you believe it because you have said very similar things to posters here. You seem to have a problem accepting responsibility for things. Seeing other people's sides.

Which I find ironic only because you talk about your W thinking you write "lies" about her and you simply say it is how YOU see things.

Do you realize that each person is individual and has their own experience in the same situation. So what you see, feel, and experience is NOT the same as what your W sees, feels, and experiences. And sometimes, it is actually very different.

The fact that we see things here that you then report are very similar to things your W complains about...

Those are the things that you really should be looking at.

Taking responsibility for our actions is great.

However it only means anything if we choose to make changes to those types of behaviors in the future. Unless of course, we are comfortable with those behaviors.

Personally, I don't believe I would be comfortable with that sort of "I am right, it's your fault" thinking all of the time.

And I want to comment on what you said about Mach discounting your FIL's involvement in this. He isn't discounting his role, just pointing out that you are putting too much importance on it.

You yourself said your FIL is the "OP". They do influence our S's, however if it wasn't him, the odds are it would be someone else.

The responsibility for this is on your W. By discounting her role, you discredit her. You take away her ability to think for herself, make decisions, and be an adult.

Truth is, you may not like the choices she is making, however, she is making them.

And you don't have to like them.