Barrybran - New Thread

[Lostforwords]

B,

There is a huge difference between frugal and controlling.....and smart and responsible. As your wife noted, and me too, you lean heavily to the frugal and controlling side. That may be good for you, but obviously creates a lot of friction in your relationship. Why? Because being frugal and controlling overrides your ability to COMPROMISE. This is one of those things that will haunt you in any relationship going forward....whether your marriage or a new one. It isn't about the budgeting, it is truly about your inability to compromise...Which builds distrust and resent.

That you feel guilty about spending money points to something also. It points to the fact that you do not control your money, but that your money controls you. Do you want to live a life where money controls you? We all have to respect money.....but respecting money does not mean granting it control. It is just like a marriage....you respect your spouse, but you cannot control them (nor they you).

I agree with saving 10% of your check....I do mine through a retirement plan and with a company match it works out to 10%.

Electricity...I don't have a choice in provider, but I have a choice on what temperature the house is. The kids and I discussed this and we came up with a plan. In the winter I keep the house at 58 (everyone wears a sweater) and in the summer I don't turn the AC on until we start sweating in bed. It sounds harsh, but the kids and I agree that being a little uncomfortable is fine in light of the savings (well over 50%). The key though isn't that I save money...It is that the kids and I compromised on a plan (see...DB can work with kids). For you with the little ones....I recommend light switch locks. They make it harder to turn the lights on and off (I would discuss this with the wife first)....So lights aren't being turned on when they aren't needed.

Groceries....Once a week trips...That is it. First it makes shopping easier and smarter....You have to make a list and buy what you need. It keeps you from buying the things you don't need, but always end up buying LOL. It also teaches the kids to eat smarter....When the food is gone, it is gone (trust me...with teenagers this is important. They can and will eat everything in one day). Just doing this will free up $50 to $75 a week....it does work.

I like to break things down into need and want. You have to get things you need, but your try to save money on those purchases. You also occasionally need things you want....So you have to get those also, but also be respectful of how you are getting them (always use cash on want items....not credit).

As for the trip...my suggestion is to save for the wife also. Here is why....if she goes, then you have saved the money to cover that. If she doesn't, well then you have extra money for the trip. Either way it is a win/win for you. Not saving....that sets you up for a lot of win/lose conclusions.

[Ggrass]

Yes, there s a difference between frugal and control.

I will spend 30min or $10 on jeans if I can. I will not spend 2days wages. It's too tough on the pay check. Most people wouldn't know frugal if it bit them.

Life s about choices. Jeans that cost $10 do the same job as those that cost $200. If I buy those that cost $200 I might have to choose to not buy food or pay bills. If I buy $10 ones it might mean I can afford an os trip to see relatives, something which my co workers on more $ can't afford.

I am I feel more creative with what I spend and how I budget. Thus I get different choices. If your wife knew why you were spending in a particular way and was involved in the planning then that would also change the dynamic to a degree as well.

[Barrybran]

Fun times in WAS world. My wife asked me before work if I could pick up my car from the mechanic for her after I finish work as she wouldn't be able to get there herself and I said I would. Fast forward to after work and I go to pick up her credit card to pay for it. She hands it to me and I go to walk away. She asks "do you know the number?" I respond that I do from the last time she asked me to use it. Her response: "please try asks forget it (the number)"

All I can do is shake my head and smile. Happy days.

[Barrybran]

And if that wasn't bad enough, my wife agreed to hold a mediation with D4's bio dad on May 30th. Two problems:

1) I work that day. The last my wife knew I had no roster so she booked it in; and
2) That's my birthday. That really hits home when my birthday is no longer a consideration for her.

I brought both things up with her. Not exactly DB, I know. Her defense to the birthday thing was that she has a bunch of other things on and she forgot. I told her that's something I'll have to take on the chin. I told her that we need to check with each other before agreeing to things with third parties. That one will be a boundary. She's already had the date changed to a date that is suitable to the both of us. Now we wait to have it confirmed or moved again.

[Ggrass]

Yeah, I love waw stories,

Mine wonders why he's been given a cold shoulder when he rings at 10pm. Last time I pulled the phone. So he couldn't ring. Well if he can talk to ow from 7pm till 10 a job that's work and money from me should be able to be taken earlier.

He quiet simply can't treat you any any differently than before, as he's not really processed a break up. He's off but still thinks I'm waiting same as 4 months ago. Sish, crazy enought to think you might try to seduce him! Yeah right

[Lostforwords]

B,

Birthday's are a big deal.....But the mediation is a bigger deal IMHO. If Australia is like here....setting up mediation is not the easiest task in the world and you take an appointment when you can, not when you want.

In your case, the mediation with the Bio dad could mean a significant change in D4's life....Whether through support payments, visits, etc. That is a big deal for her life....not just a few hours in one day.

Rethink the whole mediation thing....not from your perspective, but what it can mean to D4?

[Barrybran]

I get where you're coming from. I won't budge due to the situation. D4's bio Dad only comes on the scene when his relationship status or financial situation changes. He hasn't seen D4 since June last year even though he's been to town since then, knows how to contact us and knows where we live. I told my wife that many people have done the right thing (my wife, myself, family and friends, both our employers, etc,) so I wasn't sacrificing my birthday or swapping shifts at work to accommodate him. The new date that has been set occurs after my latest work roster so I can tell my boss I am unavailable that day without putting anyone out.

Honestly, D4 would be better off without him in her life. She's a beautiful girl. I fear the day she understands the situation.

[Barrybran]

I had an interesting development today. My wife allowed me to touch her for the first time in a while today. Nothing major, just different to what has been. Last night she noticed a lump inside her mouth and asked me to take a look. No biggie. It's there, she's curious, I'm there and I can see it better. I feel that looking inside someone is kind of personal though. This morning, she asks me to look at something on the back of her neck. It's fairly hard to see so I have to feel her neck and gently guide her under the light. Again, no biggie and writing this, I initially couldn't remember if it was today or yesterday. Tonight, my wife dyes her hair, comes out and asks me to clean dye off her neck. Last time she dyed it she didn't ask for help. Again, I need to touch her neck to do so as well as guide her under the light.

It's a subtle change and potentially a one-off (two-off?). Overall we're still distant and doing our own things. I'm still spending my time in my bedroom unless the kids are home and then I'm in the second living area away from my wife. Things are more pleasant though we're like housemates and I can still walk past her without either of us acknowledging the other's presence.

[Ggrass]

She must feel less threatened, as in your not going to try to take advantage.
Sigh it would be hard not to see that as a small step.

[Barrybran]

It's an improvement on things for sure. I don't feel any different about it though.