I'm Just About Ready For The Fork

[tadpole1025]

Hello all. Here is my last thread:

Stuff From My World

Thought that it was time for a new thread. I'm probably going to get smacked around a bit, but I really needed to come here and journal for a while.

It is almost 4AM here in Phoenix. I'm still up because I quit my taxi job tonight. I couldn't do it anymore. I've been a little skittish ever since last week when I had a passenger shoving knives in my face from the back seat. He was "showing" them to me, but I think he was trying to freak me out. He kept leaning up towards the front seat and "showing" me how fast his switch blades were. He'd say "Look!!! Pretty quick huh?" He'd then sit back in his seat for a while before doing it again....and again....and again. It was scary. We were quite far from town and he could have easily put one or both of them into my neck and left me to die. It freaked me out quite a bit. I've been a little jumpy ever since then when someone rough looking gets into the cab. I don't have a violent bone in my body and wouldn't know how to defend myself if I had to. Plus, I wasn't making any money. I was lucky to bring home 20 or 30 dollars profit after a 12-hour shift. Tonight, I actually lost money. I'm spending all day tomorrow applying for something else.

I have a dollar bill and 72 cents in my pocket. My bank account has a negative balance of $44.00 I'm so thankful that most of the boys are working, but they can't help me out forever and I wouldn't expect them to.

I've had a very rough few days. XW has been on my mind A LOT these past few days and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It's not in a good way or a bad way....she's just been in my head a lot. Almost missing her. It's very strange. I've even admitted to my boys and my friend that was here recently that I finally felt like I was almost over her. I've been doing so well as far as she goes, but as I said, she's been in my head a lot the last few days. Probably more in the last week than in the past 6 months. I don't know what is happening. Setback? I don't know. For the first time since 1986, she did not see any of her boys for Mother's Day.

Speaking of Mother's Day, I actually forgot to call my stepmom. That's the first time that's EVER happened. I did call her today though.

My little ratties are starting to show their age. It makes me sad. I love them so much and I know they love me too. If they hear my voice, they go nuts and want out of their cage. They're so cute. (I know. Rats aren't supposed to be cute because they are rats, but I think they are adorable. They are my little baby girls.) I have pics of them on my FB page.

I'm also starting to get very p!ssed off at myself. I've been on this journey for about 3 and a half years and my financial situation hasn't gotten any better. If anything, it is worse. I've gone through four jobs in three and a half years. Three and a half years and I'm still posting here. Pathetic.

Back in 2001, I found God. My grandmother was sick and then 9/11 happened. My grandmother died less than three weeks later. She had breast, bone and brain cancer. Never smoked a day in her life. God, I miss her. I'd give anything to talk to her right now. Anyways, I think I was happiest when I was close to God. Our relationship started to go South I think when my little brother killed himself. I know that I should probably get close to him again, but I can't. Not right now. I just can't. Even though I've been told over and over that God didn't make any of this happen, I still wonder. I just wonder. I wonder what the Hell I did. I thought I did everything right. I just wonder if I forgot something along the way. I know...bad things just happen, but....I can't help but wonder. My Bible is on my nightstand collecting dust. I haven't touched it since I sat it there the day we moved in here back in January of 2012. Almost afraid too.

S19 asked me yesterday how exactly his mother told me she was leaving. I told him the truth. We were watering the rose bushes and she just blurted it out. I think he almost doubted me at first. He said: "Just like that? Just so casually?" Yep, just like that.

I feel like I am at the point...the breaking point. Not sure how much longer I can keep going like this. If my finances would improve, it would help a lot. I just don't have experience with ANYTHING but radio. It is all I've done since I was 19. I know nothing else and that makes it very hard to get a job. I went to school to learn radio, commercial production, voice techniques, music, everything I needed to know and was actually lucky to have the career that I had. Now....here I sit. 46 years old and nothing in front of me. No career and no skills for a new one.

I'm slowly starting to enjoy music again. Not all of it, but a little at a time.

I took Wonka's advice and called my friend to let him know that I was still interested in the job. He says not to give up hope. They've just been really busy preparing for a couple of big shows that they have coming up. I'll let everyone here know what the job is once I get it. (I don't want to jinx it.)

Tomorrow, after I complete some applications, I'm going to see if I can get into the next Divorce Care group. Hopefully, I can start over from the beginning and attend all of the classes. Come to think of it, I could use quite a few do-overs.

I need a change. A big one...

Tad

[TL72*]

Those divorcecare groups are wonderful. I attended one like it and it was a 6 week seminar, once a week meetings and you work through the book. It was a small group, only 4 of us total and a counselor or life coach. It really helped me a lot, I saw huge changes in myself as far as rebuilding my life. You can go back to the next one if you feel you need more support after completing the program. It's a great service. I certainly gained a lot of strength from it. good luck to you!

[AJM]

Hey Tad. Long time listener...:)

You do realize that every day is a new beginning, right? You could take advantage of that... Just sayin'


Like I said, glad things are changing. Very glad.


AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks TL and AJ.

Yes, the divorce group is a good thing. I need to go back and will be going back soon.

AJ, everyday IS a new beginning. Never thought about it like that, but it is true. Thanks for reminding me.

S23's little rat died today. He was the last surviving male of the litter that my rats came from. So, out of a litter of 14 (I think) my two little girls are the only ones left. 14 rats and the only two living ones right now are mine.

Coincidence?

I applied for 3 more jobs this afternoon.

Tad

[AJM]

Yep, everyday is a new beginning. A time to look forward to the next part of life that the day brings. New challenges, new enjoyment, new...life.

Keep up the changes. No matter how they seem to turn out, keep doing it! I like seeing the changes, Tad. It's been a long time coming, and although there may be more "bumps" coming, I'm very happy to see the changes gaining momentum.

Good stuff!

AJ

[uRworthy]

Hiya Tad. You know, my life has been a very difficult one. Since I was born, really. One thing after another. Tough childhood, medical issues, divorce, financial mess and a whole bunch of stuff in between.

And I dont know why, but, I never once thought that it had anything to do with God. I just didnt.

So, I got to thinking about that. I realized that if I blamed Him or my mother, or my xh, that I am a victim. That means that I have no control over my life.

I dont like that. While I know that none of that stuff was caused by me, how I reacted to it was in my control.

My life is still hard. But it's my life. The one I was dealt. And blaming anyone else, including Him, takes the control frm me.

I could sit here and do that. I can say, poor me, why did all this happen? The thing about that is, that it doesnt change it. It doesnt have an affect on it. I'm still right where I was, ya know?

And since I am, I have decided to do the best I can every single day. I have decided to continue to have hope. I have decided to be really thankful for the things I do have in my life.

Some things will never change. But some things can and they have. I dont sweat the small stuff, Tad. I let them roll off my back. I have seen big things, and those small ones are just not important.

I'd like to see you try to stop wondering if God has a hand in what has happened to you. I'd like you to stop thinking that you dont have any control in what happens in your life.

Because you do. You have a lot of control. You control how you react to something. You control how you look at things. You control who you let into your life.

Sometimes it is just doing one thing differently that makes all the difference. Just one thing. That one thing can lead to something else.

Change your mindset, Tad. Just try it for a bit. Decide that today is the day that you are going to do one thing differently.

Strike up a conversation with a stranger. Look into meetups in your area. The parks department by me offers a lot of free outings. Go to the library. There are free computer classes there.

Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, T, and see where you land.

I suspect you are thinking of your xw for a few reasons. Let those feelings wash over you.

Do one thing differently, Tad. What's it gonna be?

[Wonka]

Tad,

Here are some prospects to consider:

-City bus driver
-University of Az bus driver
-Airport van driver
-Limo driver
-Greyhound bus driver
-Senior Citizen van driver
-Disability van driver
-Something in the same skill set...

This would be good to get some extra cash for a while until you find something more permanent.

Sometimes life seems to deal in lemons in spades...what you do with them is your choice. Continue sucking them or turn them into a sweet lemonade?

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ, Ur and Wonka.

Ur, I am trying to change my mindset. For the most part, I do okay, but then something else comes along and boom. I'm right back to where I was. I'm trying though. Some days are easier than others.

You have a lot of control. You control how you react to something. You control how you look at things. You control who you let into your life.

Still need some work in the department.

Couple things:

I saw that this board will be removing some of the older posts. Does anyone know the best way to save some things? I'd personally like to keep my posts and some threads from others as well.

XW is not on my mind like she was. Maybe it was Mother's Day or something. It has tapered off somewhat since my last post.

My hands, especially my right hand, have been much worse the past couple of weeks. Thankfully, I'm left-handed. Anyways, I've done a lot of reading and I'm not so sure that it is arthritis anymore. I'm pretty convinced that I have most, if not all, of the symptoms for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. It's been pretty painful today. Not sure what I'm going to do about it, but surgery will be out of the question. I had a surgery to put a screw in my shoulder when I was 19 and nearly bled to death. That is not an option for me.

After I quit my driving job on Monday night, I spent all day Tuesday and Wednesday putting applications out there. I got two little nibbles back today. They both pay fairly well. Cross those fingers please.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
When the Forum was doing a clean up years ago, I printed off the threads that I wanted to keep for myself. You can copy the postings and past them into a Word document and save them to a thumb drive, etc., as well.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job. I was digging through my old stuff on here and realized that I've got a bunch of stuff on here. It may take me a while....

I did find this that XW sent to me in February 2011:

I hope we can always be good friends and one day be close friends.

I almost chuckled. That isn't going to happen. Not that I can see anyways.

I still feel bad for her. Our sons have nothing to do with her. It has been 3 months since S19 has seen her and 7 months since the others have. It breaks my heart. I used to call her the world's best mother and now our sons hardly see her. I'd bet that they really even know her anymore.

Anyways, I got another nibble for a job yesterday. I actually hope this one comes through more than any of the others. I hope to know something for sure this week.

Tad