Thanks TL, I've been sitting here all day after picking up my D and feeling like such a loser! I knew better than to react but I let her get to me. The thing is she knows what she is doing is so wrong I can tell by how she ended our "talk" last night. She feels so guilty about what she is doing but she can't stop herself. The thing is she doesn't do anything but go to work and hang out with her friends every now and then. It's like she expects whoever she is with to give her a life, not make one on her own. Just like she expects her S to "make her happy". Sorry, nowhere in my vows do I remember promising her that!
She tells me she wants me to "do more" outside the home, hang out with "friends" etc. but how does that make a difference in our marriage? What is wrong with me wanting to see and be with my kids and wife? She works late so often, we never see her anyway so the few nights she didn't work late I wouldn't know if she was going to be home or not. What was I supposed to do when I tried to make plans, she would always not want to go out anyway. Now, in her rewrite of history it was because she "doesn't like me" well, she would tell me she loved me often, never asked me to watch less TV. The stuff about not trusting me is all in her head. She has had trust issues since we met because of her father. I was the man she trusted. The one she could always count on. Now in her MLC, her dad has become the person she thinks she can count on and I the "bad" man.
She talks about this blog post I wrote and when ever she sees me on the computer she tells me not to tell lies about her. I tell her that whatever I write is what I feel about anything, the way I see it. No one knows who I am or who she is but she says "I hate that you tell lies about me" but how can I lie when I talk about how I see something and what's it matter to her anyway? I think the problem is I was too close to the truth and somewhere inside she knows it. Why get this angry unless she really saw herself in what I wrote.
The part that hurts most is that I have tried to be supportive. I have given her so much while she spews on me and blames me for her being unhappy. Blaming me for asking her what was wrong as she was acting so horrible towards me so she HAD to tell me the truth (she wanted a D and didn't want to even try) is unbelievable to me. She acts as if I hadn't asked her she wouldn't have said anything and things would be different.
You know the day after B-day she fainted at work. She wasn't sick and they found nothing wrong with her. I think it was her realizing what she had said and done and the fear it gave her. Mach keeps discounting her fathers role in this but when he isn't around, she is so much nicer and admits that she only went to the L because he made her go (she's "glad" he did but...). She doesn't even see that by not telling me she lied to me. She knew she was going, if she thought we were going to be all happy and do "the right thing" in her mind, why not ask me to go with her? She is a sneak and hates what she is doing. She tells me she is depressed/anxious but when I say something about it she says she's not. Then why the pills? Well, the dr says she can go off them as soon as she moves out! If he really said that he is a terrible dr. as he would need to see if she was feeling better. I know he just divorced his wife of 25 years and is probably an MLCer himself!
She ended last night saying now she knows that I think she is a horrible person. That she thought I cared about her and that she cares about me but that now she KNOWS I really hate her and am going to make her kids hate her too. While I'm honest with the kids and answer their questions when they ask, I never say bad things or blame her. In fact yesterday when my D said she didn't want her at her school party I told my D that was mean and wrong. Then I come home to that. The last 2 things I told her were that I don't hate her, I wanted to at times but I can't. That I have given her the closest thing to unconditional love any person can give another for more than 20 years and if I could just turn it off I would. I'm 99.99% sure she is going to divorce me but here I am giving her support, worrying about her, trying to help her and for her to think that I hate her or think she is some horrible beast is just so wrong. The last thing was I came out of the bedroom and told her I was sorry for losing my temper and yelling at her. She said she was sorry as well but then this morning she started in on making plans for our divorce when she had told me she wasn't in a hurry and that she knows a woman who has been separated from her H for a year and they still get along and could see us doing something like that. Again, once her dad got here it all changed once again.
It just hurts so much to hear this person say the awful things she did about me. And then to hear the trivial things she was so "unhappy" about with me. Things that she even says I no longer am doing (she admitted I don't watch as much TV over the last several months and I have been doing my own stuff). These are the small kind of problems that can be worked out by married couples just by talking them over. Why must she go right to getting a D? Why does she blame me for turning the kids against her? Why is it when I tell her I don't like the set up (one week with me, one week with her) that means I'm trying to keep her away from her child? Like Mach says, you can't have a rational conversation with an irrational person, I guess.
Sorry for the vent and how long this post is TL. I"m so appreciative to you for getting in touch as it's been an awful day. I'll admit, today I am watching way too much TV! My D is so upset that she's been in her room all day. She hasn't heard from her mother who was supposed to take her out tonight but I think she is trying to get her daddy to get her a new iphone because she doesn't want to be on the same plan with me (again, her fathers idea and he took her to the store. We have no money and she thinks she can spend on herself again!). So, here I am once again she is out playing daddy/daughter with the man who has tried to end her marriage and she knows it and says it's because "No one is good enough for his little girl" for years and is disappointing her daughter and showing her that she doesn't matter to her at all. It's just so raw right now and I need to center myself. At least now I'll be able to do more as the kids are done school and I won't need to pick them up.
